As most of you know, I am with child. With third child, to be exact. I’ve shared why I adore being pregnant, but totally forgot one of the most entertaining aspects: the post-baby-doctor-visit-summary with my Dad.
Some may say education or sarcasm is my life’s work. Some would be wrong. If I am not harassing my Dad by spilling embarrassing details about my personal life on this here blog, I am spilling them face-to-face, often times over Sunday Family Dinner. We’re close-knit like that.
For instance, yesterday at my doctor appointment, in addition to hearing the little nugget’s heartbeat, I was the proud recipient of a surprise Pap Smear. Good times.
So as I’m prodded with what feels like a Magic Eraser stuck to the end of a yard stick, the kind doc takes a look-see all up in my bidness and says, I kid you not, “You have a beautiful cervix.”
That’s just odd. Like when my mom says she bought a “beautiful cut of beef” or just blanched some “gorgeous string beans.” No. Those adjectives and nouns do not go together. A bloody piece of cow carcass can’t be beautiful. It just can’t. String beans can be very green. Or flavorful or fresh. But gorgeous? Me thinks not.
The same can be said for the cervix. It can be “doing a great job” or “very efficient at opening as to birth a small human,” but beautiful? Rock on, doc; all I cared about was that it afforded the priceless opportunity to send my dad text messages like this:
Heard the baby’s heartbeat! It was loud and strong! Due date changed to April 10th. I have a beautiful cervix.
I imagined his reaction was something of a disgusted grumble and, if my mom were in the same room, a “Jesus Christ, Louise. Your daughter is doing it again!”
That’s right pals, I have long been a fan of regaling my father with tales from the gynecologist for as long as I can remember. He embarrassed me in front of every.boyfriend.I.ever.had, so this just feels right. I have been known to detail the process of losing my mucus plug when pregnant with my son, and, after a successful VBAC with my daughter, I made it very clear just how annoying those hemorrhoids were.
The experts say fathers and daughters have a special bond. I totally agree.
Odd detail I noticed: I love that you capitalize “Sunday Family Dinner”. I think it’s great that this still exists in today world……beautiful cervix and all (smh)!
Yep 🙂 Sunday Family Dinner is a holiday ’round these parts 😉
Ha Ha Ha!!! How could I not read this with that title?? Anyway, I have been told by my OBGYN that I have an “irritable” cervix, so I am slightly jealous.
Irritable!!! (P.S. I’m the worst at titling my pieces and I’m glad this caught your attention!) 😉
You have a beautiful cervix? Are you SERIOUS?! That’s hysterical.
When I was in labor with my daughter, my mum was frantically trying to get on the next plane while my dad was (disappointedly, to him) in Asia wrapping up some business before making his way over. So he was texting me every hour or so to see how I was doing. At one point I texted, “Almost 10 centimeters!” and he wrote back, “OMG, do you mind?!” 😉
So glad you heard the heartbeat!!!!!! xoxoxoxo
“OMG, do you mind?!” That made my day!!!!
The heartbeat was loud and clear–made me cry just a lil’ 😉
My dad used to love to go on and on about his poop. More detail than I ever (EVER!!) would have wanted from anyone, let alone from my Dad. So, I started talking in great detail about my period–flow, clots, bleeding through the pad … he thought he was going to die. And I’ve not heard about his poop ever again. 🙂
Gotta love making the Dads squirm!!
And, I just have to say, it’s a real shame that the Miss Cervix America hasn’t made more of an impact … you could be a real contender!!
YES!! Get’em, Jen!
“I coulda been a contenda…”
My dad just wants to see the tiny human at the end. He has no desire to even see me pregnant. It’s all too much for him. If I said cervix or dialed he would die a thousand deaths. What a wimp!
HA!! My dad was in the room when my water broke with Brady. I was like, “Hmmm…I’m either peeing myself or…” Never seen the man move that fast in my life!!!!
Love it so much. I agree that fathers and daughters have a special bond but I don’t think you’ll ever hear me say “mucus plug” in front of daddy.
Ya never know. Give it time, Jill. Give it time 🙂
What a lovely compliment! I bet that would look good on a resume. And I bet your Dad is really proud of you. 🙂
Good call, Jen! Never thought to update my resume with that.
Accomplishments and Awards: I have a beautiful cervix.
Now this has me wondering if my bits are pretty too. Love how girls are so comfortable discussing openly all things anatomical, even with people they have never met.
Karen, I can say with confidence that you have lovely lady bits 😉
Quite amusing. Good stuff.
Glad you’re amused 🙂
I faced just the opposite because of my dad’s medical background. He always wanted DETAILS and was ready to deliver the baby for me. I settled for my husband delivering my last baby instead. I thought he was going to pass out when I crowned.
Okay, that would be a bit much to have your dad all up in your bidness delivering the baby. OMG. I have boundaries. Didn’t know it until I read your comment. Bless you, Meghan 😉
Somewhat relieved that this post did not contain actual photographs. And I was once told that I have a “textbook uterus.” I am glad someone finds all this stuff to be a work of art. Great post! 🙂
I think “textbook” is code for “you’re lovely.”
THANK YOU!
Very cute story! My family is close like that too. I’m notorious for divulging “personal” details about myself too.
Share on, Tenns, share on!
I dunno which was more hilarious…the post or the comments. I’m still laughing at Miss Cervix America. Great post Stephanie.
Hahaha! I know! I MUST HAVE THAT CROWN!
Hysterical! Usually in my house it’s,” Jesus Christ Kid’s. Your mother is sharing too much again.” men. Such babies.
Aren’t they? Cripe, like we don’t have to smell their farts and flush their poop.
I wonder if gynos have a set string of phrases to say, and you happened to hit the bottom of the barrel.
That is a distinct possibility. Although I would rather believe that my bits are beautiful. 😉
This is so funny. I am dying. And totally picturing the scene in my head now–can I be part of your family? PLEASE?!
My OB called me precocious once, but he never said anything about my the loveliness of my cervix. Rude.
Bastard.
As part of my work, I take a lot of blood and I often find myself telling someone that they have “beautiful veins”. I think it is just that we are so happy to have something easy to work with… the magic eraser fits well, or they don’t have to switch out the yard stick for a meter stick.
I think you’re probably right about the “easy to work with.” I’m so proud to have such a well behaved cervix 😉