Welcome back to another installment of Oversharing: I Ain’t Scarrred! Today’s Oversharer, Amanda, is a dear friend and colleague who agreed to embarrass herself in the name of laughter, but also hopes all the women out there will learn something from her experience: when it comes to treating feminine itch, less is more. More balls that is…
When I was a freshman in college, I self-diagnosed some itching in my nether region as a yeast infection. Since I was an independent woman out on my own (just kidding, my parents were footing the bill for me to live in up in college), I marched myself to the nearest pharmacy to fix my ailing va-jay-jay.
When I looked at the home yeast infection remedies I saw several brands claiming to cure yeast infections, but it was the number that caught my eye. Monistat had a seven day treatment, a five day treatment, or a one day treatment. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the one day treatment was the way to go. Who would suffer with this crap for five days, or worse, seven? Fools that’s who!
So I purchased my Monistat One and headed back to the dorms to start the healing process. About an hour after the ummmm… application of the medication, things started to happen and not in a good way.
I started to get hot “down there,” and when I went to the bathroom to check it out, I had the shock of my life. My who-ha had transformed into balls! Yes, friends, balls. I was swelling so badly that my girly parts were barely recognizable! I was horrified and screamed at the sight of my new balls. I must have scared the crap out of my roommate because she came rushing into the bathroom. I was so embarrassed, but I had to show someone. When she saw my new accessory, she screamed, too. It is bad enough when you are freaking out, but when you call in backup and they panic, well, that just means shit got real.
Because I was a freshman, I didn’t have a car and I could barely walk, so hiking it over to Student Health was not an option. How do guys walk with these things? My new appreciation for the male species being able to walk a straight line was cut short when I realized I had to resort to calling my emergency contact with a car: my older brother who was a senior at the same school. You know every gal that is sporting a set of balls wants to call her big brother and explain she is morphing into a dude and needs to run by the ER just to make sure everything is cool down there.
After 15 minutes of my brother laughing his ass off at my aliment, he finally drove me to the ER so we could check out my balls. The humiliation continued as my brother helped me waddle into the ER only to be seen by the hottest intern I have ever laid eyes on. Dr. McHotty had to check out my balls in order to prescribe lots of Benadryl to calm everything down there, and he told me to not have sex for a few days. I think he added the no sex part because I was attempting to flirt with him and slip him my number. Yeah, not one of my finest moments, but the man was hot and he had already seen me partially naked. He sent me home with Benadryl and a pat on the back. I’m sure my balls made an awesome convo at the nurse’s station.
I am happy to say that after this traumatic event, my balls disappeared that night and my lady bits returned to their normal size. I have sworn off all self-diagnosing and yeast infection medicines since then. However, I am a little sympathetic to my husband when he gets kicked in the balls by the kids because for one day I, too, had balls, and I found them to be an unnecessary accessory like the fanny pack or a beeper.
Amanda Mushro is a mommy of two who blogs over at Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that really makes her question her own parenting abilities. Find her on Twitter @QuestionableCIP and Facebook.
Editor’s note: I love this lady because she’s kind, witty, and once grew her own pair of balls. Also, the brother she speaks of in her story is now a doctor who recently treated my mom! Small, ballsy world, eh?!
Story originally published in March 2013.