I can tell men have been calling the shots when it comes to the design of family vehicles. If Moms were in charge, it never would’ve taken so long to build a car with its own vacuum. My gal pals and I have been talking about surviving long road trips with family, and we all agree that the perfect car would make the kids’ incessant Are we there yet?!’s worth it.
So what comes standard in this perfect vehicle, fittingly named the Momobile? Only ten of the most intuitive, life-changing features that only Moms could design.
- All doors will automatically open and close, but at different speeds. The standard slower-than -Grandma speed is a safety feature; however, if Mom is having a bad day and needs to release a little tension, there is a slam-it-with-authority function available.
- The second row seats fold to make more room…and to reveal a mini-bar stocked with juice boxes, fruit snacks, and vodka. Disclaimer: the vodka is for the driver, but not while she is driving. Duh.
- A surround-sound audio and video system that replaced the cries of “She’s touching me!” and with some soothing Mozart. We’re curing road rage right now, people.
- Forget your umbrella? The kid’s sippy cup? You’ve just realized you’re out of milk and have to make an impromptu grocery run—AND YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANY MAKEUP?! Have no fear: much like a hotel’s “Did you forget your toothbrush? service,” our Momobile comes equipped with a glove box stuffed full of Mommy Essentials including diaper bag items, a fresh mascara, and breath mints.
- You’ll never have to worry about your carbon footprint in the Momobile; this beast runs on dirty diapers! Unlike those annoying diaper pails, this system never needs refills, nor does the stench punch you in the face when you open the canister. The Momobile offers a seal that contains the stink, and an easy to maneuver lever that makes tossing out and filling up a cinch.
- The review mirror doubles as a magnifying glass. 7-hour soccer tournaments afford ample time to pluck those chin hairs.
- Bluetooth doesnotinterrupt the music. Rather than cut off your rendition of Sexy Back, the Bluetooth function kindly informs the caller that you are harmonizing and should not be bothered.
- The trunk/hatch/liftgate doubles as an extendable roof. Until kids’ events are actually canceled due to inclement weather (don’t hold your breath), take shelter under the make-shift roof instead of dying a slow carbon monoxide death in driver’s seat.
- There is always WiFi access in the Momobile. Always.
- Much like Siri, only smarter, the Momobile comes standard with Yes Ma’am. Yes Ma’am is designed to never tell a mother no. EVER. The best part about Yes Ma’am? Moms can customize the voice. There’s just something special about Chris Hemsworth telling Mama YES.
On the luxury model, the Mombile boasts an automatic glass partition that separates the grown-up space from the kid space, but don’t let that stop you from throwing your mother-in-law back there. You’re welcome.
Gotta have a built-in chair massager. It’s the 2013 version of those old wooden beads that my grandfather used to have hanging on his driver’s seat!
YES! A massage while chauffeuring. Brilliant!
Dani Ryan says
OMG, you had me at George Clooney! I need one of these machines. STAT!!!!!
I forgot to include the chocolate dispenser in the middle console. Damn.
Vicki Dean says
HILARIOUS!!! I would add 2 more things:
1. A feature where the stroller automatically pops out of the back and is unfolded and ready to go so that I don’t nearly break a finger every time I maneuver the thing out of the car.
2. Some sort of robotic action that straps and snaps the kids into their car seat. Again, to save my fingers. 🙂
Vicki, I pledge to share whatever cash-money comes my way for these incredible additions. Self-buckling mechanisms?! You’re a talented designer, lady.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. says
Sigh…it sounds like a dream come true! Runs on dirty diapers…ha ha! And I had to giggle when you described your hair color as resembling something in the toilet. You crack me up. And also, your stylist: …..
You are one funny lady, and wow, mama, you’ve been busy this week! Go you!
This week has been nuts! My brain is so tired!
Thanks for reading, Stephanie 🙂
Penny Roach says
I totally want that “slam that shit” feature!! For reals!
And it’s self cleaning right? And always smells good? I’m really tired of smelling God knows what back there in the “kid section” and if it would save me from smelling “sweaty 14 year old boys” even while they are IN the car, that would be great too!!
How funny is it that your first tag is Adam Levine. Mmm, mmm, mmm!!
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
Self-cleaning, yes!!!!! How could I forget that feature? This is why I need you in my life, Penny! That and to quote Macklemore quotes on my Facebook page 🙂 🙂
You’re forgetting one thing for your awesome and emotionally cathartic doors: they must each open for one specific kid so your kids will be forced to enter from different doors and not fight, pull hair, bite or trample one another to get in the same freaking door all the time.
YES! I want ALL of the doors to open for this very reason! And if we’re ever running from a rabid bear or something, we’ll all be able to get in at the same time. I’m a thinker…
jumpin'jack flash says
Automatic car seat strapping and ejecting. No more strapping kids in and unstrapping kids to get out. All automatic. You just say “strap now” and “remove straps now.”
jumpin'jack flash says
Also, I would like Sean Connery’s voice to be featured. An automated greeting each time the car is turned on….”Schmile, it’s Shunny and warm outshide”
Ahahahahahahaha!!!!! This is why I married you. <3
haha!! Love this! Can mine have one of those glass windows separating the drivers area and passenger area like in a police car and have it be soundproof?
YES! What a fantastic addition. You’re hired, Melissa!
Jill Pinnella Corso says
I don’t have kids but this mom-mobile still sounds awesome. I’ve always liked minivans since I was a kid, even though I know they’re not fashionable (yet).
Congrats on all your guest posts. You’re really getting around. 😉
You’ve always liked minivans?! I never thought I would hear ANYONE say that 🙂 By the time you have your little ones, I’ll have designed the perfect van for you, Jill; it’ll come with surround speakers so you can listen to your Improv podcasts and everything!
I want mine to come with a driver. I don’t want to keep the vodka waiting.
Reason #25643 why I love you.
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