If you’re new ’round these parts, you may not know that I recently expelled a tiny human from my loins. Baby Girl, mine and the husband’s third creation, joined our family in April, but not before an interesting hospital stay. I am somewhat of a self-proclaimed expert on hospital stays, having had a few babies and all, and I’ve run into the same people each time I’ve donned the open-in-the-back gown and confused the TV remote for the nurse call button. Today I’m here to introduce you to:
1. Nurse Gloom & Doom: This person will corner you, probably during your first postpartum poo, and rage on about her under-active thyroid or the depletion of natural resources. You will nod quietly as she works up a frenzied sweat, afraid to interrupt her because of her easy access to needles.
2. LOUD Neighbors: These patients clearly do not understand that their hospital stay includes room service, zero laundry, and minimal responsibility. If they did, they would stop yelling into their cell phones and order some oatmeal already.
Chatty Cathy: She is the opposite of the loud neighbor in that she doesn’t necessarily speak at volume 120, but she never. stops. talking. EVER. She wants to be your best friend, but you just want to nap. Good luck explaining that to her.
Dr. Zero Bedside Manner: I have written about my personal experiences with this kind of sucky doctor when he announced my baby had holes in her heart. Dr. Zero has terrible comedic timing, waning compassion, and from the frequent glances at his watch, apparently no time for you and your “issues.”
Nazi Lactation Consultant: True, not every patient will encounter the NLC, but her (or HIS, as in my case) strict, no-nonsense approach to her job comes standard in other Nazi hospital employees. The NLC will make you feel like a horrific mother if your baby doesn’t latch, or–godforbid!–you say eff it and opt for formula. Not all LC’s are like this; just the ones with Nazi prefacing their name. You will recognize the Nazi LC’s from the helpful LC’s by their thin mustache and the way they smash your baby’s face into your sore nipples.
Hospital Photographer: No means no, woman, now get the hell out.
The Storyteller: This variety of hospital employee has no boundaries, personal or spatial. Once, an off-duty nurse actually sat in my room, divulging all the sordid details of her crumbling marriage while I watched the required “shaken baby” video. Talk about a double shot to the ol’ hormones. The whole situation was the epitome of disconcerting, but since she seemed like she needed a shoulder to cry on, I offered The Storyteller mine. She gave me extra ice packets for my mesh undies, so I didn’t mind too much.
Friendly Janitor. Can I Call You A Janitor?: Listen to me carefully: make friends with the janitor. Do it. A smile, a thank you, an “I appreciate that!” goes a long way. He also has access to extra pillows, warmer blankets, and will look the other way when he dumps your garbage and those empty Blue Moon bottles come a’tumblin’ out. What? They were a gift.
The Disgruntled Employee: Complainers like the Disgruntled Employee can make or break your hospital stay. While changing my bed, the DE started yelling about the company that provides the hospital linens: “QUALITY IS DOWN AND PRICES ARE UP!” Valid complaint, but I’m going to focus my anger on this Greek yogurt craze. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE FRUIT-ON-THE-BOTTOM?
Over Zealous Religious Leader: A quiet knock on your door and there he is in all his glory. No, not Jesus, but some guy who wants to pray, loudly, with you. I’m not anti-prayer, but I’m anti-stranger-in-my-room-while-my-ass-is-hanging-out-the-back-and-my-boob-is-hanging-out-the-front-of-my-hospital-gown. Amen.
photo credit: Anoto AB via photopin cc
I love this so much!
The Shitastrophy says
A make lactation expert?! How does that even make sense?? Please don’t tell me – I don’t need any more of a visual.
HAAAA!!! I agree with ^^. A male lactation guy? Are you sure he wasn’t just walking around trying to get some feel ups? And the photographer…they’re the WORST! You are spot on with this. Hilarious.
Looking forward to encountering all these people soon! I really need a gift of Blue Moon as well!
Deva Dalporto says
OMG, YES! ALl so true! And I once had the “familiar” nurse who seems a TAD too excited to give me my sponge bath. *Shudder*
Ribena Tina @ ribenamusings says
Hospital photographer – I am so going to have to ask my friends when I see them and their new baby girl tonight if hospital photographers have made it over to the UK yet.
If they wanted to include me as well as the baby in a photograph I’d think they were nuts – I looked like a zombie after having my daughter.
I am CRYING with laughter!! SO FUNNY! And so true. The lactation lady was dismissed from my room by my mother…it was probably the only time in my entire life I felt like my mother didn’t go far enough in her rudeness, because that woman was the devil.-Ashley
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 says
Whaaaat? Someone tried to indoctrinate you at the hospital? That’s disturbing.
Stephanie Jankowski says
Sure did. And why not? I can’t think of a better time than just having pushed a 10 pounder out……………
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says
OMG, I have missed your hilarious voice, my friend! I’ve been a lazy blogger this summer (which, frankly, has been sort of amazing.) but I really have missed your amazing stories. I have regrettably encountered Nurse Doom and Gloom and Dr. A-hole, and although I’m sorry you had to meet the rest of them, I appreciate you entertaining us by introducing them! Particularly the religious zealot and lactation guy. 😀
FF @ Femme Frugality says
I had all of these with my first, but I switched hospitals after and it made such a huge difference. How about the triage nurse who decides she knows your entire medical history despite the fact that you’ve never seen each other before on your entire life?
Amy Flory - Funny Is Family says
I thought I was pretty open-minded, but the idea of a male lactation consultant is blowing my mind. Huh.