Remember the time my pal Dani from Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine misplaced her tampon? Well, Allison, today’s Oversharer, hasn’t technically lost hers; it’s just not where she left it. Thank you, childbirth, for today’s story.
I teach group fitness, which means that I am in front of a lot of folks. I absolutely love it. I get on the microphone and yell at people what to do. AND THEY DO IT. I don’t have to threaten with them with Time Outs or bribe with Goldfish! Be still my heart.
One of the classes I taught for years was a high impact cardio class (for CRAZY PEOPLE) called BodyAttack. It is one of those classes where you do tuck jumps and air jacks and feel like you want to die. All while smiling because you like it.
BodyAttack was great until I had my first son. I came back to teach Attack about 3 months after he was born.
Moms, you know how this story goes. My very first class back I did a jumping jack 6 minutes in and peed my pants. Full out peed. Not a trickle. It was a big old “I give up” pee.
My bladder had aged 80+ years in 9 mos of pregnancy and 12 hours of labor.
I was shocked. I didn’t read about THAT anywhere in my What to Expect the First Year. There was no chapter on publicly peeing yourself on stage while 30 people looked up at you. Yes, up. They all had a perfect crotch shot. Thank God I had on black shorts.
Since I was determined to resume the life I had pre-baby (ha!) I was going to keep teaching. I consulted with a girlfriend of mine. She recommended I wear a pantyliner. You know, to catch the pee. I have to say this solution actually worked!
But holey guacamole Skippyjon that smelled horrific. TERRIBLE.
There is a reason why right after the Caveman invented the wheel the Cavewoman invented the tampon. Scratch that – pretty sure that Cavewoman came up with the Big T before the wheel was around. Because we totally would have thought of that stupid round thing if we hadn’t been preoccupied with plugging up and other personal hygiene concerns.
So for the first couple of months of teaching I would run to the bathroom after class, before anyone could have a chance to get close or talk to me. People must have thought I had serious issues. (Which of course I do…I was teaching BodyAttack 3 months after a baby for crying out loud…)
Yet I adjusted to that by doing kegels like it would save me from having to watch Kristen Bell in another movie EVER AGAIN. Eventually I got to where I still peed a little when I taught but not enough to need a pantyliner.
Then came the time for my first period post-baby. I stuck a tampon in (for the first time ever actually feeling thankful for those) and ran my post-partum, sleep deprived, menstruating self to teach my Attack class.
Friends. My tampon came out mid-class.
If peeing myself in front of my class hadn’t been mortifying enough, I could not IMAGINE their reaction if a tampon had fallen – THUD – on the floor. But I promise that thing was all the way out of the canal that had pushed an 8 lb baby and was moving towards the edge of my undies.
I spent about 2.2 seconds seriously debating the options in my mind. WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS!? NONE, I tell you, NONE.
I demurely excused myself to the bathroom while I kept them running in place.
Oh alas, this was not the end.
I idiotically kept the microphone attached to my head and ON while I went to the locker room. And guess what?? That mother-effer worked from the locker room!
I don’t know what the class heard, or what they thought they heard, but it couldn’t have been pleasant. I continued on dumbly until someone told me at the end of class. I turned scarlet, didn’t press for details, and ran out.
After Baby 2, I felt God was telling me that BodyAttack was not necessary. If my hooha couldn’t hold me together after Baby 1, Baby 2 wasn’t going to be a joyride either. It clearly was not important that I do 50+ plyometric lunges on Wednesday mornings any more.
I still do teach (nothing that requires me to go spread eagle and jump). I also try to do yoga.
And I will be dedicating my next yoga practice to the Cavewoman, her invention of the tampon, and to all the women out there who go through mortifyingly embarrassing situations in the name of child-birth. You are not alone.
Allison is a freelance writer who lives in Chapel Hill, NC. She speaks most freely at Go Dansker Mom but has quite a few other writing projects going (read as: she frequently feels completely overwhelmed but figures that’s normal for a parent). She and her husband have a 4 year old boy and a 19 month old boy so she spends a lot of time yelling, frantically, “BAD IDEA.” She wouldn’t have it any other way. Catch more of her motherly musings and feminine faux pas on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
So my coffee maker broke this morning after I spent a long weekend with my extend family at a theme park and I actually forgot about it while I was reading this post! OMG so hilarious!!! I also teach group fitness and I had TWINS but, I had a c-section. This is the ONE thing I was spared and I can still jump, run and dance without the threat of peeing myself. I know I’m very, very lucky.
Ha, Allie- I am sure you understand the pain, though, of having to deal with all that mess up in front of people on a stage! Every day I am so thankful as to how great my members are. What do you teach!?
Ok so I just realized that I already read this and LOVED it after reading your post today about doing something that scares you! Very cool.
I teach spinning and a “power sculpt” class. I used to teach a lot more before kids and can’t wait to do more once they’re in school!
Thanks for “oversharing” and doing something you were afraid of. It paid off girl!
I lost a nursing pad on the track after my first was born, but nothing as wonderfully mortifying as this. And of course you know you aren’t alone on the peeing thing. It doesn’t even matter if you think you’ve completely emptied your bladder. And that sucks!
Oh my, nursing pads are the WORST while working out. They are like pantyliners for boobs. I swear. And very true, even when you empty you still eek some out. I have gone back to taking BodyAttack classes very recently and I have to leave at least once during class. Such is the life…
OMG…my tampon has fallen out a few times…so freaking scary and embarrassing…and the pee…though I wouldn’t’ give it up or anything, DIno was all worth is..embarrassing moments and all. .
Oh that feeling you get when that Tampon comes out- I mean, what do you do!??!? Like I said – not many options. I agree, though, the kiddos are definitely worth it. Besides. I am happy for an excuse to stop that crazy BodyAttack! Thanks for the comment.
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I’m so sorry that I am laughing at you!
It’s ok, we’re laughing together on this one. Luckily it’s been about a year so I *think* I am over the mortification aspect. 🙂 Thanks so much for stopping in!
I snorted at the THUD LOL
This is hilarious over sharing 😀
Sad so many of us can relate, right?! Thank you for Oversharing, Allison! You’re making the world a better place one “O.M.G.” at a time. 🙂
Super funny! And you’re super brave, I didn’t even want to get the mail after having baby #1 let alone teach any kind of exercise class. Oh and I remember the first, “Oh my Gosh, I just peed myself” MoM-ment, I was in a grocery store and not lucky enough to be wearing black pants :/
Cara I have invested in black yoga pants that I get away with wearing EVERYWHERE. Just in case… 🙂 Thanks for the comment!
I don’t think I could have showed back up to work after the first ‘incident,’ too funny! Well, it’s funny now, probably not so much for you then. When I have my kids do jumping jacks at school, I don’t participate. :0)
Oh my, I know, it was tough heading back. Have I mentioned how great the folks in group fitness class usually are? They didn’t bring it up, didn’t make a big deal about it, life went on. I think most of them were moms, too. 🙂 And GOOD CALL- my 4 yo’s soccer coach is constantly asking us parents to participate …in things like jumping jacks. What!? No thanks. I will sit here in my black yoga pants with my legs crossed. Thanks so much for the comment!
OMG, I am laughing so hard I’m DYING right now. This is one of the FUNNIEST things I’ve ever read. Thank you for the Wednesday morning laugh (I’m a day late, I know)!!!! You are HYSTERICAL!
Oh my gosh!!! This is amazing!
There was an audible gasp that escaped my mouth as I read this from the reception desk at work! HIL-AR-I-OUS!!!
O.M.G. As I have said so many times before, I am never having kids now. Sorry, you must break the news to my husband. I’m out.
Holy! This was awesome! Well written, funny, and something moms need to hear! I had a tampon fall out after baby number one and was absolutely terrified that my body was wrecked forever. They had always stayed put before. Oh what we do for our children! Thanks so much for sharing!
this is an interesting post…
Visiting via More than mommies blog hop and following through bloglovin and email subscription…
On the list of ways our bodies betray us after childbirth, this story tops the rest! Allison, I give you serious props for not running away forever!
I would run if I wasn’t afraid I would pee my pants!
Oh my god, Allison. This story is amazing. I’m sorry. I’m laughing so hard at your telling of it. It’s fantastic.
I don’t have good stories. After two kids, my nipples never leaked when they wanted to nurse, and I never peed myself. I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I’m so neurotic and tightly wound as is, that my body parts are part of my neurosis.
I will tell you that my son was on my lap at a baby group once, and he pooped out of his diaper out of his pants and on the front of my dress. True I was in good company at a baby group, but I had to walk around like that after the class.