Happy Monday, pals!
I’m out of the office this week doing grown-up things like building sandcastles and ignoring calories, but I’ve left you in good hands. I’ve got three fantabulous ladies lined up to entertain you in my absence, and we’re kicking off the week with one of my faves. Do you know Menopausal Mother? If you answered no to that question, I feel bad for you. You’re really missing out on a hilarious piece of arse. Marcia is Oversharing today; could your week start any better than that?
We planned it for months. It was to be the birthday party to end all parties. I bought a beautiful, white silk pantsuit with lace and hand sewn seed pearls on the front for the momentous occasion. The bar, disc jockey and baby sitter had all been reserved, along with a food and decorating committee.
On THE BIG DAY, my brother surprised me with a bottle of Dom Perignon ( nectar of the gods) and my husband had a brand, spanking new minivan delivered to our home. It was the perfect day….and I don’t do well with perfection. Because somehow I find a way to screw it up.
Two hours before the party started, The Hubs was in the driveway signing the papers with the car salesman. The cold bottle of Dom was calling my name from the refrigerator. I drank the first glass while I finished putting on my makeup. I drank the second (and third) while I was curling my hair. By the time I was pouring my fourth, The Hubs finished the deal and handed me the keys to my new birthday present. I didn’t eat before the party because I’d been dieting so that I wouldn’t look like the Michelin Man in my white pantsuit. I think you know where I’m going with this: champagne + empty stomach = TROUBLE.
By the time we arrived at the club, my nerves kicked in at the prospect of hosting a party for 50 people. I quickly marched up to the bar to place my order. My brain started screaming, “NOOO!” the minute my mouth shouted ,”Sex On The Beach!” I NEVER drank that cocktail combination! Someone slipped the bartender a few extra bills to make the drink stronger for the birthday girl. Yeah, like I needed that. I pinched my nose and chugged the drink to calm my nervous excitement.
Oh vodka, you fickle bitch, convincing women they can move like a pole dancer on the floor to any pulsating beat from a DJ’s sound system. The siren song of alcohol warped my perception, leading me to believe I was as sexy as Cat Woman in a snug, white pantsuit. I sidled up to every male in the room (including the janitor and a skitterish waiter) like a wolf in heat. The Hubs was busy playing host and didn’t seem to mind that his wife was quickly turning into a party train wreck.
That evening, 20 years ago, is still a blur to me. I remember stumbling through some horrid line dances and stepping on many toes. I never got to blow out the candles or taste the birthday cake because I was too busy ralphing up Sex On The Beach in the toilet. My beautiful, white pantsuit turned into a Jackson Pollock painting with red cranberry juice splatters all over the fabric. I DO remember my sister and my best friend holding my hair out of my face so that I wouldn’t wake the next morning with puke-encrusted strands. It took several men to carry me down a flight of stairs to the minivan and believe me, this scene was nothing like Madonna’s “Material Girl” music video where all the male dancers are carrying the sexy, writhing singer down the stairs. Oh, I was writhing all right; writhing in agony because my stomach had not finished giving up the ghost.
I learned the next day that everyone happily carried on without me and (thankfully) no lap dances were performed. After I woke from my alcohol induced coma with a headache reminiscent of electro shock therapy, I crawled to the phone to start my long list of apologies to the guests.
Moral of the story: tequila might make a woman’s clothes fall off, but Dom makes me dumb and vodka makes me vampy. Next time I’ll wear camo to the party to hide my upchuck imperfections.
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog Menopausal Mother where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. Give her some wine and a jar of Nutella and she’ll be your best friend. Or at least your Facebook pal.
Oh how I wish I never had an experience like that myself!
I think we ALL have a story like this to share….vodka is a fickle bitch, after all….
Seriously, wish I too could say I never had an experience like this, but thankfully I was much younger and a lot dumber, too!!
That’s the problem–I wasn’t THAT young–like in my thirties…I should have known better!
Oh.my.hilarious. I am sorry to say that I snort laughed at your shenanigans!
Glad you liked it. I think I hid in my house for about a year after this infamous party from hell… but thank GAWD most of the people have forgotten about it…until NOW….
I think you just described my entire 4 years of college. We’d have to substitute Champagne for cheap wine, but other than that, you pretty much nailed it.
Ohhh… you are so lucky we didn’t have YouTube back then…..
OH NO! I feel your pain. Been right there with ya. I’m not sure what sucks the worst…the puking or the humiliation of the drunken antics. Oh well. At least you got a new car out of the occasion!!!
And thank GAWD I didn’t THROW UP in the new car!!!
I had one of those experience in college and it was so much worse than yours. Granted to say I very rarely drink now and only in the comfort of my home. 🙂
Yeah–I probably should have stopped drinking after that..but do you think Meno Mama learned her lesson? Nooooo…..
I have a similar story to this one except I split a handle of Jager with a friend and then got really REALLY car sick on the way to the Jacuzzi, and puked my brains out. That night is still a blur to me, too.
Please tell me you did NOT puke in the lovely jacuzzi! Dodging the floating chunks would not be much fun….
I guess I don’t have any wild stories to share as far as drinking goes! At least it sounds like you kept your clothes on! 🙂
If you come visit me in South Florida and enjoy some tropical libations in my backyard garden….I guarantee you’ll end up with some wild stories for this Over sharing series…..
I once puked at a company event. Like you, I hadn’t had anything to eat, and downed WAY too much booze in a short period of time. And when I stood up and announced to everyone within a 50 mile radius that I had to pee, I opened my mouth and ralphed worse than a Saturday Night Live skit. And some of it sprayed onto the legs of a girl that reported to me. It was awful.
Thanks SO much for the Monday afternoon laugh!
Oh Dani !!! I think I would have died on the spot Lol! Nothing like a little vomit spray to stop a party….and in front of your co-workers…holy shit!
Oh yeah, I can relate to this too! BTW, I love Menopausal Mom, partly because she is so damn funny and partly because I am a menopausal mom myself. Great story!
Thanks for stopping by, Anita!!! Sadly, it seems that all the ladies here can relate to this story…. . I just hope it never happens to me again.
Yikes. I think we all have an awful alcohol related story. I have one I can’t remember. From the sounds of it from what people told me, I think that might be a good thing.
I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful, built-in defense mechanism in our brains that allows us to TOTALLY block out some of these GAWD AWFUL moments!
Unfortunately, I was the one holding back hair while my friends puked their way through parties!! Somehow, being happily drunk, at least for a little bit, sounds much more attractive!! 😀
You were being very good friend by holding back their hair! Remind me to call you next time I go to a party!
Thanks for the reminder not to plan big parties, if any kind! LOL! You little devil, you!0
Oh, I felt like the devil all right and the butt end of the devil the following morning!
Oh vodka isn’t a fickle bitch…vodka is a bad bitch! Lmao! Oh the stories.
I’m ready to listen if you’re ready to talk…..it’ll make my day!
OMG, I wish I could have been there. I would have shared in your shenanigans so you wouldn’t have to go it alone. I think most of us who are now “of a certain age” have a story (or 2 or 3) like this one. Thanks for sharing it with us!!
Penny, I wish you WERE there–you could have helped hold my head over the toilet!
Okay, while I missed out on the whole drunk and disoriented part of partying, I have been the supportive friend/roommate/person carrying said drunk to her car. It makes for better mornings, but an important note: The supportive friend would also benefit from the puke-camo idea . . .
Some day I’ll tell you about my most embarrassing moment. 🙂
Diane–you sound like a great friend for someone like me. Ok now, spill….what’s you most embarrassing moment???
Wow, that sounds awful and embarrassing! I definitely can not relate as I’ve never drank alcohol in my life, it’s just never appealed to me. I do all of my weird, embarrassing things 100% sober!
I did have an unfortunate vomit incident once after eating an entire box of Thin Mints in one sitting (chocolate is my drug of choice). I was all alone when it happened, but I still can’t eat Thin Mints to this day 🙁
I think I MAY remember a time or maybe even two that I ended up like that. LOL I do know that I can’t stand even the smell of Whiskey anymore…. As I tell others, I may not really remember much about what went on, but I do remember the floor coming up and hitting me on the face once. Oh the stories those nights make!!