Hiya, pals!
Welcome back to another installment of Oversharing: I Ain’t Scarrred! Today’s Oversharer, Amanda, is a dear friend and colleague who agreed to embarrass herself in the name of laughter, but also hopes all the women out there will learn something from her experience: when it comes to treating feminine itch, less is more. More balls that is…
When I was a freshman in college, I self-diagnosed some itching in my nether region as a yeast infection. Since I was an independent woman out on my own (just kidding, my parents were footing the bill for me to live in up in college), I marched myself to the nearest pharmacy to fix my ailing va-jay-jay.
When I looked at the home yeast infection remedies I saw several brands claiming to cure yeast infections, but it was the number that caught my eye. Monistat had a seven day treatment, a five day treatment, or a one day treatment. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the one day treatment was the way to go. Who would suffer with this crap for five days, or worse, seven? Fools that’s who!
So I purchased my Monistat One and headed back to the dorms to start the healing process. About an hour after the ummmm… application of the medication, things started to happen and not in a good way.
I started to get hot “down there,” and when I went to the bathroom to check it out, I had the shock of my life. My who-ha had transformed into balls! Yes, friends, balls. I was swelling so badly that my girly parts were barely recognizable! I was horrified and screamed at the sight of my new balls. I must have scared the crap out of my roommate because she came rushing into the bathroom. I was so embarrassed, but I had to show someone. When she saw my new accessory, she screamed, too. It is bad enough when you are freaking out, but when you call in backup and they panic, well, that just means shit got real.
Because I was a freshman, I didn’t have a car and I could barely walk, so hiking it over to Student Health was not an option. How do guys walk with these things? My new appreciation for the male species being able to walk a straight line was cut short when I realized I had to resort to calling my emergency contact with a car: my older brother who was a senior at the same school. You know every gal that is sporting a set of balls wants to call her big brother and explain she is morphing into a dude and needs to run by the ER just to make sure everything is cool down there.
After 15 minutes of my brother laughing his ass off at my aliment, he finally drove me to the ER so we could check out my balls. The humiliation continued as my brother helped me waddle into the ER only to be seen by the hottest intern I have ever laid eyes on. Dr. McHotty had to check out my balls in order to prescribe lots of Benadryl to calm everything down there, and he told me to not have sex for a few days. I think he added the no sex part because I was attempting to flirt with him and slip him my number. Yeah, not one of my finest moments, but the man was hot and he had already seen me partially naked. He sent me home with Benadryl and a pat on the back. I’m sure my balls made an awesome convo at the nurse’s station.
I am happy to say that after this traumatic event, my balls disappeared that night and my lady bits returned to their normal size. I have sworn off all self-diagnosing and yeast infection medicines since then. However, I am a little sympathetic to my husband when he gets kicked in the balls by the kids because for one day I, too, had balls, and I found them to be an unnecessary accessory like the fanny pack or a beeper.
Amanda Mushro is a mommy of two who blogs over at Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that really makes her question her own parenting abilities. Find her on Twitter @QuestionableCIP and Facebook.
Editor’s note: I love this lady because she’s kind, witty, and once grew her own pair of balls. Also, the brother she speaks of in her story is now a doctor who recently treated my mom! Small, ballsy world, eh?!
Story originally published in March 2013.
If you’re up for the challenge, why not contribute something to the Oversharing Series? Send your story to whencrazymeetsexhaustion [at] gmail [dot] com OR find me on Facebook or Twitter!
Holy Crap!!! I would have freaked the hell out too. That is a horrifying but, hilarious story.
-Ellen
And hopefully you’ve learned something today, Ellen: Monistat One is ineffective and also gives a woman a scrotum 😉
Thanks for reading AND commenting! Comments make my heart happy.
Was AC/DC playing on the radio as you were being driven to the doctor? You know the song… 😉
I’m not laughing at your misery but I am laughing-maybe a little in a “how” and “yikes” sort of way! Thanks for oversharing!
Ha! Feel free to laugh at my misery! Not only is it a cautionary tale, but a freaking hilarious one too 🙂
Oh my goodness that is so scary, but still the best laugh I have had in a long time. Thank you for sharing what was obviously a painful story to go through, but without it, you wouldn’t be here today entertaining us all, so there is a silver lining to every cloud.
Yes! It makes me happy that my girly bits made you laugh. My day is complete!
Brings new meaning to never using Monistat 1 if I can help it!! Seriously, had to laugh, but I am done now and great share Amanda!!
Yes! Stay far away from Monistat! I’m just doing my part for lady bits everywhere.
OMG. That was HILARIOUS! And The Sadder But Wiser Girl’s mention of AC/DC was very fitting! Thanks for the laugh!!!
Let this be a lesson to all yeast infection sufferers everywhere!
Well your the poster child for why to use 5 or 7 day treatments! I always wondered! You should provide the PSA on the back of the 1 day box! Hilarious! Awesome job with the guest post!
Her face really should be on a Monistat box 😉
My misadventures could save millions of women’s girly parts! Sign me up!
I read this whole thing through a crack in my fingers because I had to cover my eyes in a “I can’t look, I have to look” way! CRINGING and silent-shake-laughing the whole time!
We should’ve included visuals, huh? 😉
Yes, definitely stick to the longer treatments! I learned that long ago…
Jessica, it sounds like you may have an oversharing story of your own?! Feel free to share, girl!! 😉
This is why we all need big brothers lololol. Thanks for the share.
I can’t even imagine what my brother would be thinking had I asked him to rush me to the hospital because I grew a pair of balls. I think I may try it just for fun, though… 😉
That is the best, no worst, no best story I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for (over)sharing!
You’re coming up in the line-up, friend–be prepared 🙂 🙂
This is so funny! I didn’t know that could happen. Thanks for making me laugh 🙂
Kate, my pal Amanda is always good for a laugh! If you like her, check her out on Facebook, Twitter, or her blog!
Thank you for reading and commenting!! Comments make my world go ’round 😉
This is so FUNNY! And terrifying. I am huge self-diagnoser. Now I know to leave my lady parts to the experts. I thought I swelled a lot when I was pregnant. Yikes!
Just steer clear of Monistat One and you should be good 😉
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Honey, pregnancy had nothing on my balls that day! Stay away from WebMD 🙂
Wow!! Myself, I prefer the “figurative” balls. That is a horrifying story. And of COURSE the doc was hot. Only when you’re in the most embarrassing of situations would the doc be hot. So. Not. Fair. But props for trying!!
The minute I saw Dr. McHotty walk in, I should have sent him out. Get me some old woman or a semi-blind old man. Just keep the hot doc out!
That might have been the best visual I’ve ever conjured up in my head! Hysterical! A roommate, a brother and a hot intern. How could that story be better? maybe a priest and a rabbi?
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
Absolutely priceless, what a great start to the day 😀
Oh that is too funny!
Oh that is A GREAT ONE!!!! Love this… love this series!! You must have been terrified! But I had to laugh all the way through… 🙂
So glad you’re enjoying the series, Chris!!!
Thanks, Chris! This comment made my day 🙂
I have to admit I DID NOT see that coming. I was expecting a story about you having balls in the figurative sense. But no. You literally grew balls. Wow. Now that is hilarity at its finest.
I can’t believe Amanda was brave enough to share this! Bahaha!
I am glad that my balls made you laugh with the element of surprise 🙂 Those female balls sure are tricky!
Oh, my GOD! You poor thing! Thank goodness you didn’t go to my school – the health center would have prescribed Robitussin – as they did for everything from pneumonia to hepatitis. So. Damn. Funny….
HA!!! Robitussin’s got nothin’ on my girl’s balls. 😉
I just read a large majority of your blog…tonight. So basically the last 3 hours, non stop. Cracking the freak up! My husband probably things I’m insane. I love this, it’s all worded how I think and talk on a daily basis!
Aside from “you look like you’ve lost weight,” this is the nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten 😉 I hope you’ll stick around!!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Jamie!!!
It’s a terrific along with helpful bit of information and facts. I’m pleased which you shared this convenient facts around. Please stop us current similar to this. Appreciate expressing.
“You had big balls and you cannot lie. Your older brother can’t deny. When your roommate walked in she saw balls below your waist and she had panic on her face, you were HUNG.” Thanks for the laugh 🙂
Oh no. Thank YOU for the laugh!!!!!!!
I often joke that I have giant balls … I may have to refrain from that expression in the future lest I jinx myself and your situation befalls me. And then I won’t feel so badass! 😉
Then again, I’ll be able to write a hilarious post like this one … “How do guys walk with these things?” *snort*
Now I’m weighing my options!
You know, I’ve always been called “ballsy” and the like, too. Puts new meaning on that, eh?!
LOL! I bet they didn’t put THAT warning on the box! “WARNING: Use of this product may result in the rapid growth of girl balls.”
Monistat, are you listening?!
Amanda kills me! And this story is too funny. Thanks for sharing–and making all the non-ball-growing days seem tame in comparison!