Know what I love about today’s Oversharer? Everything. Kristen is kind, talented, and as a Corporate Mama, she understands the value in hiring other moms. She’s basically a walking poster child for girl power and that makes my heart happy. Also? She almost peed on herself. But I’ll let her tell you all about that…
Like any other 39ish woman, I’ve been going to the OB since I was like 16. During my two pregnancies, I visited that doctors’ office no fewer than 16 times in 9 months, each. That mean’s I’ve peed in a cup roughly 5,487 times in my life, without incident…until now.
It started like any other office visit: showed up nearly on time, for which Karen the receptionist promptly forgave me and then squeezed my chart in the middle of the “waiting” stack (I do love Karen). Verified address, updated insurance info, sat down long enough to find a decent magazine, and then got called back to do the deed.
Until. I had dutifully taken my cup and written my name with a sharpie, then found my stall and settled in. Side note – does the peeing procedure really require 3 pre-wipes? And does everyone else cave and do it after briefly considering using only 1 or 2 pre-wipes, not 3, for fear that some hidden camera is going to bust you somehow? Anyway. I was wearing a long top and leggings that I (regretfully) did not pull down all that far, and managed to do my business into the cup as usual.
As I was bringing the specimen cup back up to put the top on, it somehow caught on the waistband of my leggings and tipped. Over. As in, pee on the floor. In a quiet loo with 2 other ladies also focused and concentrating on delivering the goods. There was an audible SPLASH as I bobbled the cup, trying to get it upright without spilling pee on myself or my pants, and simultaneously looking to see if my shoes had gotten any of it. I did manage to get the cup under control and my next thought was “EFF – now I have to pee into this thing again.” Until I heard the audible gasp from next door.
“Um, are you ok?” she asked, a little snidely actually. Bitch – how did she know what, exactly, had splashed to the floor? Thinking fast, I tinkled out a fake little laugh and said “oh, fine, just spilled my water when I put my cup on the ledge.” BLATANT LIE.
“Oh. OK then,” she replied uncertainly. You know what, lady? It didn’t get on your shoes or anything else – no harm, no foul.
Of course, I had to wait ’til she left to try and pee AGAIN (and also to conceal my identity, duh). When I was sure I was alone, I crept out and stashed my cup in the to-go window for the nurses to retrieve. For the rest of the visit, I found myself checking people’s shoes, trying to get a glimpse of Little Miss Snarky who truthfully, I only disliked because she called me out. Whatever.
Moral of the story? Next time, drop the drawers all the way, and drink more water.
Kristen Bagwell is a corporate director, the voice of CorporateMama.com, and an executive consultant for Rodan + Fields skin care. She’s also a wife and mother of 2, and is consistently over-extended (but usually happy about it). Connect with Kristen on Facebook and Twitter.