The COVID-19 pandemic is this generation’s JFK assassination or 9/11. Our children will look back on these days and always remember where they were when this global crisis hit.
At home. Like the rest of us.
The coronavirus quarantine is also a fantastic social experiment. I’ve enjoyed watching how the different personalities react in times of crisis. I’m continually moved by those on the front lines and the huge heartfelt displays of humanity, and endlessly entertained by the rest of us. Some of you are taking things to a whole new level and I appreciate that about you. So in an effort to memorialize your crazy, I’d like to slap a label on you (that likely represents some deep-seated issues of my own) because if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry. Amirite?!
Alarmist: Crawls out of their underground bunker only to share worst case scenarios. Interprets the facts as morbidly as possible. Will not be invited to post-pandemic parties.
Crisis Militant: Goes to extremes to stick to schedules and routines that disappeared along with the rest of our previous normalcy. The phrase “roll with the punches” is not in the Militant’s vocabulary; they value structure over everything because structure = control and control = comfort.
Jesus Freak: Believes a higher power is sending messengers to smite us for being fill-in-the-blank: gay, liberal, carnivores, not Christian enough, etc. Jesus Freaks, especially the closeted gays, also believe they’re exempt from any Armageddon-ish activity. Obvi.
Celebrators: View the crisis as a nation-wide doctor’s note excusing all responsibility and accountability. BEST PANDEMIC EVER!
Sally Sunshine: Looks on the sunny side of global disease, uses #blessed in every communication, cries self to sleep at night.
Data Du Jour: Believes news tickers should be memorized. Obsessively devours all information, relevant or not, and subsequently shares what they’ve learned with everyone they know via text, email, phone, social media post, mime, sidewalk chalk…
Everything is Fine: Outwardly controls emotions, inwardly screams, looks psychotic when smiling.
Jokey McJokerson: Makes light of every situation. People are dying? “They’re the lucky ones–they’re not stuck in the house any more!” Entire states shut down? “No worries, we have enough wine to last a year!”
Conspiracy Theorist: Shares fun stories like: North Korea sent the Coronavirus as payback for Trump calling Jong-un “tiny rocket man” or that China created the disease to send a message to the US about their feelings on our trade relations.
Busy Denial Bee: Oh, there’s a quarantine?! *washes windows* I hadn’t noticed! *sweeps floors* Soooo busy over here! *dry heaves into toilet*
Social Media Mom: In a misguided effort to “put more kindness into the world,” the SMM constantly posts bullshit like I am loving every minute of this with my kids! and Our life has never been better! The SMM never mentions washing down her Zoloft with a bottle of red.
What About Me: Logically understands there’s an actual crisis, but lives inside their own head where “bigger” problems like their social calendar and the need to get back to the gym keep popping up.
Fact Finder: When friends need emotional support, the Fact Finder sends them the Power of Social Distancing graphic. The affinity for facts is typically misconstrued as emotional apathy and often moves loved ones to scream JUST LET US FEEL OUR FEELINGS!
Welcome Wagon: These individuals have embraced the quarantine by happily binge watching Tiger King and eating their feelings.
Ivory Armchair: Even in times of crisis–especially in times of crisis–those atop their Ivory Armchair make a sport out of criticizing everything around them. Delighting in passive aggressive put-downs and “I would never’s,” they offer no help, only judgement.
Non-applicable: These people believe everyone should comply with the quarantine unless “everyone” includes them. They’re on board with flattening the curve as long as it doesn’t inconvenience or limit them.
Angry Elf: Views the safety measures as unnecessary, blaming man buns for making this whole country soft. Caring about each other and listening to medical experts is for the hipsters AND THIS COUNTRY WASN’T BUILT BY HIPSTERS. ‘Merica.
One-Upper: The One-upper sees your incessant hand washing and sheltering-in-place and raises you potty training their dog to avoid ever leaving the house again.
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I think I feel closest to the crisis militant. I actually thought about printing a daily calendar in 30-minute increments and make each one of my kids create a schedule for their entire day. It is too easy to piss away 4 hours walking in circles in the backyard considering which perennial would look best next to the golden cyprus mops. Need some type of structure now that the “honeymoon” of no longer having any structure is over. I have some welcome wagon in me. I’ve been cooking some realy FEASTS for lunch and dinner so I have.