Originally published in March 2013
It’s no secret ’round these parts that my uterus is jonesing for a little company. Lately, new things have factored into the matter:
My 20-month old has learned to hold my iPhone without her chubby thumbs getting in the way. You heard it here first: she’ll be Valedictorian of her class.
My 3.5 year-old son is already an accomplished mathematician:
“Mom, you wiped my bum two times when I pooped after breakfast, and then two more times when I pooped after school. That’s FOUR wipes!”
What was Einstein doing before he was four?
So, yeah, my babies are growing up.
*Sob*
I think my husband is starting to feel the affects of his ticking biological clock (is there such a thing?). The other day he kept chasing after the kids, yelling, “I’m gonna scoop ya!” When I asked what the heck he was doing, he replied, “I have to hug them as much as I can now. These days won’t last forever.”
Awwww-ing because of the sweetness? Me, too. And I’m using it to my advantage.
You guys, I think I have him right where I want him: he’s feeling a little sentimental, a little tired, and probably more than a little frisky since today is Saturday, as in Stephanie Shaves on Saturdays. Friends, I think it’s safe to say GAME ON.
Now if only I can convince the husband to pull the goalie.
Ride bareback.
Take a hint from Phil Collins’ album No Jacket Required.
With some careful planning, I think I may be able to seduce him. And because I care, I’m sharing my infinite wisdom…
1. Hide your granny panties for the duration.
2. Resist the urge to impress the children and muffle all belches. (Side note: once knocked up, excessive gas is acceptable. Shatter the windows, friend.)
3. Stop providing play-by-play narration of your menstrual cycle. Conceiving is hard work, but don’t tell the husband that! You know what they say, sperm don’t perform under pressure. I actually don’t know anyone who says that, but it seems like common sense.
4. Cook more some at least once a week.
5. Rather than launch into what was awesome or crappy about your day, ask how HIS day was. Handing him a beer as you pretend to listen earns you bonus points.
6. Fancy up your attire by swapping between the Old Navy hoodie and that sweater/jacket/robe you bought last year on clearance from Target. Variety is the spice blahblahblah.
7. Compliment him:
Have you been working out? Your pecs look incredible!
I noticed you didn’t load your hamburger with extra onions–thank you for being so considerate!
8. Send him subliminal YouKnowYouWantAnotherBaby messages by strategically placing the kids’ baby pictures in his line of vision: on his steering wheel, next to the remote control, on the toilet…
9. Say YES more.
Can I golf today?
Of course!
Want to watch Liam Neeson’s special set of skills in Taken for the 34th time?
I sure do!
My mother thinks you should starch my shirts, don’t you agree?
Abso-friggin-lutely.
10. Send him sexy e-mails at work to get him in the mood:
My teeth are brushed, my upper lip is waxed, and we’re all excited to see you tonight.
Follow these guidelines and you should be knocked up within the month. The proof is in the puddin’, friends:
July 2014 Update:
It worked for me!!
4. 5. 8.10. worked for me. Stephanie’s advice is spot on. Commence baby making.
You have your first testimonial! Is it odd that I’m cheering for you to make a baby soon? I mean I have the pom poms out and everything.
I actually love that you’re cheering for us! Ra! Ra! Gooooo unprotected sex!!!
🙂
Steph, I know you probably hear this all the time but you are hilarious! And your posts make my day and always start them with laughter! I always enjoy reading them!
Dude, I never get tired of hearing I make people laugh! I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me <3
Haha… You crack me up!!! Now I know where your son gets it!!! Lol
He doesn’t get the butt-wiping counts from me; that’s from his dad 🙂
Hysterical tips. Don’t forget to bake for him though. A man will come running for a beer, or the smell of something chocolate baking!
NICE! He did give up desserts for Lent, but I can resume my poor baking in a few short weeks 😉 Thanks, Karen!
Good luck to you, my friend. My factory is closed and we’re sticking to alternate entrances until my tubed are firmly tied. Because a wise man once said, you can’t get pregnant in that hole!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you. Just love you.
*on life support* ahahahahahahaha
She’s bad news, isn’t she?!
I read this to Sean. Although, he has been given the “I am over 35 and you better go get sniped cause I am not having anymore no way no how” speech!
Eh, 35 is the new 25 😉
This was great!!! Looking forward to hear how this went on Tuesday minus all the details of course!! I’m also glad I’m not the only one who gets to shave once a week sometimes every other in fear that the extra 10 mins will end in something broken that I have to clean up!!
Thanks, Sam! I hear ya about the shower thing; Saturdays are the days my husband is home in the morning, so I can take my sweet time. HEAVEN!!!!
You are a brave woman, Stephanie! I only have one, and the idea of going through it again makes me want to curl up in the fetal position. 🙂
Now tell me…did he pull the goalie today? Is it weird that I’m asking if you had unprotected sex???
GOOD LUCK!
I’m either brave or insane. Only time will tell!
No pulled goalie this weekend, and I think it’s fantastic you asked 😉 Haha! What do you call it? Cotton hobbyhorse? Yeah, how’s that for oversharing? 😉
Hahaha – Stephanie Shaves on Saturdays! Love it! I am usually a middle of the week kinda gal (like Wednesday evening or Thursday morning) but I have also been known to lose track of what day it is until I realize that I’m looking a little more French than usual.
Anywho – if all else fails with your 10 steps, just do what I did. Seduce him and make him forget he isn’t “covered”. Of course, beware, that resulted in Twins over here. You’ve been warned.
Lady, I don’t know how you do it. Working, parenting FOUR kids, a set of twins, writing, whoa. My hat’s off to you! (get it?! hat’s off—ahhh! I really do crack myself up…)
Two is enough in this house. We are almost nappy free, which means we are almost entering Stage 2. No more babies.
Stage 3 is teenagerdoom, in case you were wondering. Hmm – I sense a blog post coming on here.
Hope you get your wish though – lots of baby making happening at your place!
Thank you for your baby makin’ wishes 😉 And I don’t blame you for setting your sights on teenagerdom–those are the years where they sleep, right?!
I’m definitely going to be taking your advice NEXT winter. (if this one ever ends). I finally got the husband to say yes to a second one. He had to babysit his nephew with our son and comes home soooo excited. Saying shit like “I wish we had twins!!” (fml on that one) Let the baby making race begin! (you first, cause when I see those posts on fb about some deformed baby it makes my uterus die a little.)
Twins do run on my husband’s side–uh oh! Here’s to healthy babes for everyone!
OMG you are SO funny! I am 47 and have NO intention of birthing another little darling (my youngest is 14 already). My husband is supposed to be in charge of our birth control because he knows “no glove – no love”. Apparently, he forget to, ya know, stock up and said “another kid wouldn’t be so bad, right?” What??? Now I’m afraid to take anything out of the oven!
You are funny beyond words Steph!
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
“No glove, no love!” I haven’t heard that in sooo long, Penny! Thanks for that blast from the past! Hehe!!
This is it! I’ve had baby on the brain for a month. My husband thinks I’m CRAZY. But I somehow feel like we’re meant to be a family with four spawn. I have a timeline, so I’m slowly buttering him up, and will take full advantage of his longing to ride bareback (HAHA love this) when I’m ready to strike. GREAT post!
Go get’em, Dana!! Good luck and thanks for reading!! xo
My first child is about to be two in a few short months and I’m starting to feel that all too familiar feeling…..Baby fever…I have secretly been wanting to try for another baby for a couple months now, I don’t want my babies to be too far apart. I finally mentioned it to my husband and with a little difficulty had him talked into it. IT WAS ON! I made the appointment to get my birth control taken out and everything….then the day of….He shuts me down with all kinds of excuses…Idk what to do. How can I convince him that having another one is a good idea?? Feeling a bit hopeless….
Oh, boy. I am no professional (unless professional baby maker counts as something), but if your man is dead set against having another bambino, you don’t want to push the subject. I can’t think of anything worse than him resenting you–and possibly that baby–because he wasn’t on board. That said, tell him exactly how you feel, even give him a timeline you’d like to either start trying or even be pregnant by. My husband is very linear and literal, so when we started talking another baby, he automatically started calculating our ages by the time the baby would graduate hs, etc. Men are different creatures than we Mamas!
I wish I could convince my fiance to have another one. I’ll be 31 this year and he’ll be 50. Yes 19yr difference. Our son will be 11 this year and I miscarried about 4 yrs ago. I’ve been dying for another one but he hasn’t been excited about the idea. He has other kids and our son is my only. I’ve been working for a several yrs and he’s been out of wrk for 4. Is there anything I can do to convince him?
This is so hard 🙁 I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Unfortunately, I think you have to be on the same page for this one. Good luck! xo
this s great!!! DH and have 4 darling crazy boys, and this mama’s uterus is hardcore aching for a chance at a little girl!! I may have to try these!! Thanks fr the giggle tonight ladies!!
4 boys and still ticking! You go, Mama!
My husband and I have 2 boys, but I want to try for a girl. He wants to wait 5 to 7 years to try for another. Obviously I don’t want to wait that long but he won’t change his mind and I’m not sure how to change his mind.
What a great read! My husband and I had twin boys and he said we were done (don’t tell me what to do!). From the second they were born I longed to be pregnant again. Every time I brought it up he either made jokes about it or we got in an argument. Blah blah blah! As the boys were approaching their first birthday I decided I really needed to step up my game! I read this and decided I wouldn’t mention having another pregnancy for a few months and follow your tips. BAM got pregnant! Our boys turned one at the end of February and we conceived another set of twin boys mid May. We now have four healthy boys, two and under. While my house is wild and I don’t remember what sleep feels like, I of course long for another pregnancy.!!! I need new tips, he’s on to me!