The way people conduct themselves online never ceases to amaze me. From the Know It All to Negative Nancy, my computer is jam packed with people who have no idea how to behave on social media.
I’ve been fortunate enough to grow my Facebook page over the past few years, but with the increasing numbers come the idiots. I try to maintain a certain level of respect and humor, but some people make it hard.
So very hard.
Which begs the question: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA IN THE FIRST PLACE?! If the goal is to be social, one would assume it’s beneficial to conduct ourselves accordingly. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never made a new friend by getting all up in her grill and yelling, “Hey, you’re pretty fat and incredibly untalented.” Kindness is a rare commodity for some avatars. “Nay!” say the trolls, fingers dusty with Cheetos and reeking of yesterday’s Chinese take-out. “I shall comment on that stranger’s picture and let her know I think her nose is too big for her face! Then I will take to the Twitter and lambaste yet another stranger for having an opinion that differs from my own!” I imagine this person laughing and laughing, then dying a little inside.
I swear some of these nutjobs weren’t hugged enough as children, and now they’re so bored with life that they morph into digital douche bags the second they run out of Sudoku puzzles. In my experience, Facebook trolls are among the worst. Not that Mark Zuckerberg would ever listen to little ol’ me, but might I suggest Facebook administer a quick pre-test before allowing a person to create an account? A short quiz that evaluates a person’s ability to be appropriate despite a hefty dose of keyboard courage would vet out some of these weinuses and return social media to its original intent: blasting the Kardashians. That quiz could look something like this…
1. A woman you barely know posts a picture of her kids on Facebook. You
a. comment on the adorable factor
b. point out her toddler’s above average head size
c. direct message the her with: “F*ck you and your kids, bitch!” <— that has happened to me
2. You’re scrolling through your newsfeed and come across an inspirational quote. Your immediate reaction is
a. warm and fuzzies because YES. Everyone needs a little inspiration!
b. barf. Enough with the warm and fuzzies already!
c. rage. How dare anyone force happiness on me!
3. Your Facebook profile picture is of
a. you or something that represents you
b. you, 20 years ago
4. You are not a parent, therefore you spend a lot of time
a. outside of the house, particularly after 8pm
b. comparing the way you discipline your dog to how your sister should discipline her kid
c. following parenting Facebook pages and/or in the comments section of Huff Post Parents for the express purpose of leaving scathing remarks to anyone in the parenting community
5. Look around you right now. What do you see?
a. a mess created by people other than yourself
b. a pristine kitchen that you just shared on Instagram with the hashtag #Donthatemecuzyouaintme
c. darkness, empty PopTart wrappers, and one sock
6. A co-worker shares an emotionally-charged article about the upcoming Presidential debate. You
a. think to yourself, “when will this a-hole learn not to discuss religion or politics?”
b. read only the article’s title before firing off a rude comment
c. opt for an irrelevant, below-the-belt insult: “Everyone at work thinks you’re a dumb slut.”
7. You come across a meme you don’t like. You
a. shake your head, then remind yourself you can get off of social media at any time
b. immediately contact the person responsible for creating the meme and request he/she take it down because you’re tired of clutching your pearls
c. commence a public barrage of abusive profanity directed toward the person who shared such trash. YOU WIN.
8. A Facebook page that you normally love posts something you don’t agree with. As a result you
a. shrug. Can’t win’em all.
b. unlike the page but not before telling the page admin that your opinion of her has completely bottomed-out, and you hope she rots in hell
c. comment with something offensive, making sure to check the thread several times an hour so you don’t miss someone challenging you to a pissing contest
9. A page admin shares a photo with a humorous caption of her hangry toddler refusing to eat her dinner. The comments from those who identify with the horror that is meal time with a 3-year-old tell you:
a. meal time with toddlers must be difficult! At least this lady has a sense of humor about a frustrating situation that resonates with so many. SOLIDARITY!
b. this Mom probably doesn’t love her kid as much as you love yours.
c. this woman is ugly, a terrible Mother, and deserves to be told about herself. She probably abuses kittens, too. You report her immediately.
10. You’re having a bad day. To help you cope, you
a. visit your favorite Facebook page for some laughs or a virtual hug.
b. pretend everything is absolutely peachy and update your Facebook status to read: “I love today! I am so #blessed and my life is perfect!”
c. troll around until you make someone cry.
If you answered mostly A’s:
You’re normal, congratulations! You belong–and are welcome!–on social media. Everyone thanks you for having a sense of humor and the ability to sign off when necessary. *applause*
If you answered mostly B’s:
You’re mostly okay, but you definitely have a crazy switch. You should probably stay away from all people, digital or otherwise, when in a bad mood because you have a tendency to get a little “judgy”. We all have those crap days, hang in there. Just hang by yourself so you don’t lose friends.
If you answered mostly C’s:
Put down the Cheetos and step away from the computer. You are full-on, never to be reasoned with bat shit crazy when online. Do you need a hug? Do you want to come over for dinner? Whatever has made you so angry and embittered, let it go, man. But not before you cancel all of your social media accounts and speak to a professional.