*Disclaimer: this post contains offensive language*
For those of you who don’t know, I am an English teacher who worked in the Pennsylvania Public School System before opting to stay home and properly instill an appropriate dose of dysfunction in my kids. I loved most everything about teaching, save some specific school board members who ruined my beloved high school in one fell swoop. But that’s a story for another day. Today, my loyal readers, we are talking about the c-word.
Listen, I’m as vulgar as they come on a bad day. Even on a good day, I have been known to experiment with all of the wonderful ways a gal can use the F-word. I don’t blush at much, but that word, the C-word, is one that makes me wince in mixed company. Yet, I said it loud and proud into a microphone at a school-wide assembly. Go figure.
Allow me to regale you with my tale:
Our principals had organized an assembly to recognize our best students. The term best was an umbrella over the entire school that encompassed student athletes, those with special needs, those who maintained high honors, and more. The whole premise was enough to bring me to happy tears, and it made me so proud to be a teacher in that school to those students. Various stakeholders had been invited to participate in our special day, one that was intended to acknowledge those who earned a moment in the spotlight.
Until I ripped it away from them with my potty mouth.
There I was in my fancy suit, among colleagues who were also some of my favorite people in the whole world, prepared to introduce a group of students whose work ethic was to be commended. I cleared my throat, walked up to the microphone, and began.
“We are here today to recognize the cuntless…………………..countless ways in which our students…”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
I could have announced the cure for cancer at that moment, but no one heard a dang thing I said after I dropped the C-bomb. I distinctly remember time stopping, a trickle of sweat rolling down my back, and the collective gasp from the students who were seated behind me. One of them whispered, “Did she just say that?”
She sure did.
I looked into the crowd for support, or a bag to throw over my head, only to find my colleagues covering their mouths in shock. And then the smiles, the giggles. One of my favorite dudes actually left the auditorium because he couldn’t hold it together. I imagine it was then that he fired off the following email:
“We’re doing Happy Hour and dinner after work. We’re thinking about getting some cuntry fried steak. You in?”
I don’t remember much else about the assembly, but I will never forget the looks of agony/embarrassment/amusement from the students and faculty as I completed the walk of shame back to my classroom. I think some of them actually felt bad for me because SERIOUSLY, who says that?! Though most just appreciated the fact that I had humiliated myself. If memory serves me, my principals sought me out later in the day just to see if I needed any support from a guidance cunteslor…
Fortunately, we were a small district, one with a good sense of humor, and I retained my job despite my snafu. My pride? That’s long gone.
Well, you were there to recognize the c*ntless…since it was the best of the best…I see no problem here
OH. Because the best is men? I’m smart.
Priceless. Absolutely priceless
I wish I had your oversharing courage. I think my followers would drop to single digit if I did lol
Eh, try it
I don’t get it
And how many phone calls did you get before you hit your classroom?
You’re the devil. But I love you.
Okay, I’m having a bit of a crap day over here, but THIS made me laugh until I cried. This is so something I would do, and I love you for it. Thanks so much for sharing and for making me laugh!!! xoxoxoxo
I don’t think my last comment went through, so I will say it again: I’m having a bit of a crap day, but this post made me laugh until I cried. This is so something I would do, and I love you for sharing it!!! Thanks for the laugh today! xo
I’m sorry you’re having a crap day
Two things to make you feel better: you’re climbing the ranks in the Top 25 (rightfully so!), AND you didn’t say c*nt in front of your boss. So, you’ve got that goin’ for you 
Uh-mazing!! I would have died. Or if I didn’t die, I would have definitely peed my pants. Either way, you completely rock. When can we actually hit happy hour together in real life, my friend?!
Philly’s not too far, is it?!
Oh, boy!
I remember this day, being in the auditorium with 600+ students.
But for the record, even in her moment of pure shame, I was one of the teachers that stood by her…
well, within 100 feet of her anyway…
I had a few pictures to commemorate the day, Mr. Teacher of the Year. Shall I share them?!
In all fairness, at least I didn’t get a gross email from you.
You cunting little fox! This had me rolling on the floor laughing!!! Good one Stephanie!
Holy canolli! My jaw dropped to the floor when I read your comment–you’re a team player, Melissa! I’m dying!!!!!!
You could have gone on in some accent and pretended it was how you said countless? Maybe not. I found you at finding the funny and today, I wrote about an admin who stopped by my room and said something so weird it seemed inappropriate AND he has an accent, so it’s all kind of related. Come see! http://www.sparkling74.blogspot.com
Inappropriate translates nicely, doesn’t it?
I’ll definitely check you out–thanks for stopping by!
I used to work in a bank. I once emailed a customer to discuss their accunt. Oops! Always use a spellchecker!
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! That is just fantastic!
I often drop the eff bomb without even thinking about it, but those moments when what I meant to say comes out as a completely different word are the most embarrassing. I can’t say I’ve ever said that one by mistake though.
I don’t mind a good curse word, but with the wrong audience and a slip of the tongue, so much can go wrong!!!
Friggin’ hilarious, Woman! I think “cuntless” should be a new word to describe cowardly women! Sorry to laugh at your expense but this really is too funny. So listen—I just tagged you and several other bloggers today in my new blog post. I hope you are up for the challenge! There’s no rules to the questions—you can answer as many or as few as you want. Just have fun with it! I hope you’ll participate because you could do a great post on it–which is why I chose you. But no pressure–if you don’t want to, that is fine, too. Hop over when you get a chance, check it out and leave me a message in the comments to let me know if you are interested!
I’m on my way!!!!!!!!
That’s awesome! We were celebrating a family birthday and I asked if anyone wanted any cock, er I mean cake. Oh well.
Bahahaha!!! Hopefully it was an adult birthday party?