It’s no secret ’round these parts that my uterus is jonesing for a little company. Lately, new things have factored into the matter:
My 20-month old has learned to hold my iPhone without her chubby thumbs getting in the way, pausing whatever she’s watching on the screen. You heard it here first: she’ll be Valedictorian of her class.
My 3.5 year-old son is already an accomplished mathematician:
“Mom, you wiped my bum two times when I pooped after breakfast, and then two more times when I pooped after school. That’s FOUR wipes!”
What was Einstein doing before he was four?
So, yeah, my babies are growing up.
And I think my husband is starting to feel the effects of his biological clock (is there such a thing?). The other day he kept chasing after the kids, yelling, “I’m gonna scoop ya!” When I asked what the heck he was doing, he replied, “I have to hug them as much as I can now. These days won’t last forever.”
Awwww-ing because of the sweetness? Me, too.
That said, I think I have him right where I want him: he’s feeling a little sentimental, a little tired, and probably more than a little frisky since today is Saturday, as in Stephanie Shaves on Saturdays. Friends, I think it’s safe to say GAME ON.
Now if only I can convince the husband to pull the goalie.
Take Phil Collins’ album literally: No Jacket Required.
With some careful planning, I think I may be able to seduce him. And because I care, I’m sharing my infinite wisdom…
1. Hide your granny panties for the duration.
2. Resist the urge to impress the children, and muffle your belches. (Side note: once knocked up, excessive gas is acceptable. Shatter the windows, friend.)
3. Stop providing play-by-play narration of your menstrual cycle. Even if you’re certain that your ovaries are going to fall out, keep it to yourself.
more some at least once a week.
5. Rather than launch into what was awesome or crappy about your day, ask how HIS day was. Handing him a beer as you pretend to listen earns you bonus points.
6. Fancy up your attire by swapping between the Old Navy hoodie and the go-to-when-bloated-over-sized sweater. Variety is the spice blahblahblah.
7. Compliment him more: have you been lifting? Your pecs look incredible!
8. Send subliminal YouWantAnotherBaby messages by strategically placing the kids’ baby pictures in his line of vision: in his truck, next to the remote control, on the toilet.
9. Say YES more.
Can I golf today?
Want to watch Taken for the sixteenth time?
My mother thinks you should starch my shirts, don’t you agree?
10. Send him sexy e-mails at work to get him in the mood: my teeth are brushed, my upper lip waxed, and we’re all excited to see you tonight.
Follow these guidelines and you should be knocked up within the month.