A How-To Guide for Convincing Your Husband to Knock You Up. Again.

Originally published in March 2013

 

It’s no secret ’round these parts that my uterus is jonesing for a little company. Lately, new things have factored into the matter:

My 20-month old has learned to hold my iPhone without her chubby thumbs getting in the way, pausing whatever she’s watching on the screen. You heard it here first: she’ll be Valedictorian of her class.

My 3.5 year-old son is already an accomplished mathematician:

Mom, you wiped my bum two times when I pooped after breakfast,  and then two more times when I pooped after school. That’s FOUR wipes!

What was Einstein doing before he was four?

So, yeah, my babies are growing up.

*Sob*

And I think my husband is starting to feel the affects of his  biological clock (is there such a thing?). The other day he kept chasing after the kids, yelling, “I’m gonna scoop ya!” When I asked what the heck he was doing, he replied, “I have to hug them as much as I can now. These days won’t last forever.”

Awwww-ing because of the sweetness? Me, too.

That said, I think I have him right where I want him: he’s feeling a little sentimental, a little tired, and probably more than a little frisky since today is Saturday, as in Stephanie Shaves on Saturdays. Friends, I think it’s safe to say GAME ON.

Now if only I can convince the husband to pull the goalie.

Ride bareback.

Take a hint from Phil Collins’ album No Jacket Required.

With some careful planning, I think I may be able to seduce him. And because I care, I’m sharing my infinite wisdom…

 

Hilarious ways to convince your husband to give you another baby!

 

1. Hide your granny panties for the duration.

2. Resist the urge to impress the children, and muffle all belches. (Side note: once knocked up, excessive gas is acceptable. Shatter the windows, friend.)

3. Stop providing play-by-play narration of your menstrual cycle. Even if you’re certain that your ovaries are going to fall out, keep it to yourself.

4. Cook more some at least once a week.

5. Rather than launch into what was awesome or crappy about your day, ask how HIS day was. Handing him a beer as you pretend to listen earns you bonus points.

6. Fancy up your attire by swapping between the Old Navy hoodie. Variety is the spice blahblahblah.

7. Compliment him: have you been lifting? Your pecs look incredible!

8. Send subliminal YouWantAnotherBaby messages by strategically placing the kids’ baby pictures in his line of vision: on the steering wheel of his truck, next to the remote control, on the toilet.

9. Say YES more.

Can I golf today? 
    Of course!

Want to watch Taken for the sixteenth time?
    I sure do!

My mother thinks you should starch my shirts, don’t you agree?
    Abso-friggin-lutely.

 

10. Send him sexy e-mails at work to get him in the mood: my teeth are brushed, my upper lip waxed, and we’re all excited to see you tonight.

Follow these guidelines and you should be knocked up within the month.

 

July 2014 Update:

It worked for me!!

Simple & funny way to announce pregnancy via picture or text!

This is a picture of the actual text message I sent to family and friends to share our good news. I’m classy.

 

Forty weeks + 3 days.

Forty weeks + 3 days.

Hello, baby!

Hello, baby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author Signature

Comments

  1. Christine at More Than Mommies says:

    4. 5. 8.10. worked for me. Stephanie’s advice is spot on. Commence baby making.

    You have your first testimonial! Is it odd that I’m cheering for you to make a baby soon? I mean I have the pom poms out and everything.

  2. Courtney h. says:

    Steph, I know you probably hear this all the time but you are hilarious! And your posts make my day and always start them with laughter! I always enjoy reading them!

  3. Haha… You crack me up!!! Now I know where your son gets it!!! Lol

  4. Karen @BakingInATornado says:

    Hysterical tips. Don’t forget to bake for him though. A man will come running for a beer, or the smell of something chocolate baking!

  5. Good luck to you, my friend. My factory is closed and we’re sticking to alternate entrances until my tubed are firmly tied. Because a wise man once said, you can’t get pregnant in that hole!

  6. I read this to Sean. Although, he has been given the “I am over 35 and you better go get sniped cause I am not having anymore no way no how” speech!

  7. Samantha says:

    This was great!!! Looking forward to hear how this went on Tuesday minus all the details of course!! I’m also glad I’m not the only one who gets to shave once a week sometimes every other in fear that the extra 10 mins will end in something broken that I have to clean up!!

    • Thanks, Sam! I hear ya about the shower thing; Saturdays are the days my husband is home in the morning, so I can take my sweet time. HEAVEN!!!!

  8. Dani Ryan says:

    You are a brave woman, Stephanie! I only have one, and the idea of going through it again makes me want to curl up in the fetal position. :)

    Now tell me…did he pull the goalie today? Is it weird that I’m asking if you had unprotected sex???

    GOOD LUCK!

    • I’m either brave or insane. Only time will tell!

      No pulled goalie this weekend, and I think it’s fantastic you asked ;) Haha! What do you call it? Cotton hobbyhorse? Yeah, how’s that for oversharing? ;)

  9. Hahaha – Stephanie Shaves on Saturdays! Love it! I am usually a middle of the week kinda gal (like Wednesday evening or Thursday morning) but I have also been known to lose track of what day it is until I realize that I’m looking a little more French than usual.

    Anywho – if all else fails with your 10 steps, just do what I did. Seduce him and make him forget he isn’t “covered”. Of course, beware, that resulted in Twins over here. You’ve been warned.

    • Lady, I don’t know how you do it. Working, parenting FOUR kids, a set of twins, writing, whoa. My hat’s off to you! (get it?! hat’s off—ahhh! I really do crack myself up…)

  10. Piper George says:

    Two is enough in this house. We are almost nappy free, which means we are almost entering Stage 2. No more babies.
    Stage 3 is teenagerdoom, in case you were wondering. Hmm – I sense a blog post coming on here.

    Hope you get your wish though – lots of baby making happening at your place!

    • Thank you for your baby makin’ wishes ;) And I don’t blame you for setting your sights on teenagerdom–those are the years where they sleep, right?!

  11. Carolina@Mommymassacre says:

    I’m definitely going to be taking your advice NEXT winter. (if this one ever ends). I finally got the husband to say yes to a second one. He had to babysit his nephew with our son and comes home soooo excited. Saying shit like “I wish we had twins!!” (fml on that one) Let the baby making race begin! (you first, cause when I see those posts on fb about some deformed baby it makes my uterus die a little.)

  12. Penny Roach says:

    OMG you are SO funny! I am 47 and have NO intention of birthing another little darling (my youngest is 14 already). My husband is supposed to be in charge of our birth control because he knows “no glove – no love”. Apparently, he forget to, ya know, stock up and said “another kid wouldn’t be so bad, right?” What??? Now I’m afraid to take anything out of the oven!

    You are funny beyond words Steph!

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

  13. This is it! I’ve had baby on the brain for a month. My husband thinks I’m CRAZY. But I somehow feel like we’re meant to be a family with four spawn. I have a timeline, so I’m slowly buttering him up, and will take full advantage of his longing to ride bareback (HAHA love this) when I’m ready to strike. GREAT post!

  14. My first child is about to be two in a few short months and I’m starting to feel that all too familiar feeling…..Baby fever…I have secretly been wanting to try for another baby for a couple months now, I don’t want my babies to be too far apart. I finally mentioned it to my husband and with a little difficulty had him talked into it. IT WAS ON! I made the appointment to get my birth control taken out and everything….then the day of….He shuts me down with all kinds of excuses…Idk what to do. How can I convince him that having another one is a good idea?? Feeling a bit hopeless….

    • Oh, boy. I am no professional (unless professional baby maker counts as something), but if your man is dead set against having another bambino, you don’t want to push the subject. I can’t think of anything worse than him resenting you–and possibly that baby–because he wasn’t on board. That said, tell him exactly how you feel, even give him a timeline you’d like to either start trying or even be pregnant by. My husband is very linear and literal, so when we started talking another baby, he automatically started calculating our ages by the time the baby would graduate hs, etc. Men are different creatures than we Mamas!

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