Don’t you just love Pinterest?!
Shut up.
Pinterest makes me feel inferior. All those homemade birthday party decorations and thoughtful gifts whittled from mighty oak trees can bite me. Why make it yourself when you can buy it?! We don’t have three Dollar Generals within a four mile radius ‘round these parts for nothin’!
When I change a light bulb, I don’t hollow it out and add water to create a dainty hanging planter complete with blooms from my luscious garden. I throw that mess away because, hellooooo?!, it’s a burned out light bulb. And my garden? It’s my dogs’ toilet.
Who has the time to do this stuff?! Can anyone give me tips that will actually make my life easier and infinitely more entertaining?!
I can. That’s right, me. Crafts are my nemesis (because I suck at them) and I routinely screw up even the simplest of DIY projects, but *I* am going to give you something Pinterest-worthy. Hold on to your hats, friends.
I had two kids in 22 months. That added up to a lot of love and even more butt wiping. I started buying baby wipe refills in bulk to avoid misplacing a child beneath a heap of bins, but despite my efforts, I was up to my eyeballs in blue plastic. Talk about waste!
Or not…
Pin this, baby!
1. First up is what I have affectionately dubbed “Awww Hell Naw I Ain’t Watching Caillou Again:”
It was bad enough when I only had to share the remote with my husband, but now these little people are in my house and demanding I turn off HGTV so they can catch the latest episode of The Wiggles. With my bin recycling idea, you simply close the lid and conceal your lie: “I have no idea where the remote is. Sorry kids!”
2. I know we all have our own vices, and mine is sugar. I’ll share my uterus, but I will NOT share my chocolate.
3. And from what I understand, it’s frowned upon to share these with the kids:
Additional tip: these little puppies make the perfect stowaways in your diaper bag when headed to a family reunion, amusement park, or doctor appointment. Don’t judge.
4. My daughter is constantly approaching me with open hands and a sweet smile. Because she wants money. I used to try and distract her with a kiss or a coloring book, but she pushes away from me like I’m the perv uncle of the family. She has started helping herself to my purse, which is fine by me because Mama’s good stuff are now hidden in the Box o’ Sin.
5. And while we’re on the topic of my little princess, she has been increasingly difficult to feed. If it’s not Pap-Pap’s pasta or pizza or these…
…the child will not eat. I’ve hidden the deliciousness in here so that she’ll believe we’re only eating vegetables tonight for dinner. Bets on she sniffs them out like a hound dog.
6. Finally, have you any Legos or other annoying toys that tempt you to start a house fire just to be rid of them? If you answered no to that question, you’re a liar. My kids have a room filled with stuff. So much of it that I can’t wrap my brain around why they insist on playing with these:
For one thing, I step on these little effers ten times a day. For another, they don’t blink; therefore they are Satan’s playthings. Let’s close Pandora’s Box once and for all, shall we?
I’d love to hear what you do with your empty wipe bins. Unless, of course, you’ve fashioned them into a transistor radio or papier mâchéd that shit into a Christmas gift. Show off.
You and Kim are a match made in heaven, according to the good people at Depends and Resolve. Because you make me pee. Get it? I’m peeing on my couch. Was that clear? Ok.
“Do you love Pinterest? Shut up.” And this is exactly why I love you!
“We don’t have three Dollar Generals within a four mile radius ‘round these parts for nothin’!”
Word. I’m about making my life easier, not more complicated.
Love it… and hate Pinterest. I’m too busy trying to build self-confidence, I don’t have time to hang out where it will only get ripped to shreds!
Love this! I complete a Pinterest project about once every month…just to make myself feel like I’m trying. The latest? A soda bottle that you poke holes in (after it’s been drunk and filled with water) and hang it from something so you can “make it rain” on your kid. Brilliant. Until you have to refill it 355 times and you throw it over the neighbor’s fence and feign ignorance. Thanks for this – I love it.
I just laughed my @ss off! That is great, thank you for the laughs!