*Disclaimer: this post contains offensive language. Duh.*
I am an English teacher by trade (smack talker by nature) who worked in the Pennsylvania Public School System before opting to stay home and properly instill an appropriate dose of dysfunctional humor into my kids. Yes, long before I was screwing up my own offspring, I was screwing up other parents’. It worked out well. The career was solid; I loved going to work, I had a good rapport with my students and colleagues, and then one day I said the word c*nt at a school assembly.
WAIT! Don’t leave!
Listen, I’m as vulgar as they come on a bad day. Even on a good day, I have been known to experiment with all of the wonderful ways a gal can use the F-word. I don’t blush at much, but that word, the C-word, is one that makes me wince. Yet, I said it loud and proud into a microphone at a school-wide assembly with our school board in the audience.
Our principals had organized an assembly to recognize our best students. The term best was an umbrella that encompassed student athletes, those with special needs, those who maintained high honors, and more. The whole premise was enough to bring me to happy tears, and it made me so proud to be a teacher in that school to those students. Parents, school board members, and other community stakeholders were there in the front row, ready for the spotlight to shine on kiddos who rarely got to bask in its glow.
And then I ruined it with my potty mouth.
There I was in my fancy suit, among colleagues who were also some of my favorite people in the whole world, prepared to introduce a group of students whose stellar work ethic and commitment to academic excellence were to be commended. I cleared my throat, walked up to the microphone, and began:
“Good afternoon. We are here today to recognize the cuntless…………………..countless ways in which our students…”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
I could have announced the cure for cancer at that very moment and no one would have batted an eye seeing as how I, a professional, a pillar of the community, just dropped the C-bomb in front of our entire high school.
I distinctly remember time stopping, a trickle of sweat rolling down my back into my butt crack, and a collective gasp from the students who were seated behind me on the stage. One of them whispered, “Did she just say that?”
She sure did.
I looked into the crowd for support, or for someone to put me out of my misery, only to find my colleagues covering their mouths in shock. Eyes, wide. Deer in the headlights kind of thing.
And then the smiles, the muffled giggles. One of my favorite math teachers actually left the auditorium because he couldn’t hold it together. I imagine it was shortly after exiting the auditorium that he fired off the following email:
“Steph, we’re doing Happy Hour after work. If you’re hungry, I think the bar is running a special on cuntry fried steak.”
Emails like those bombarded my inbox for the rest of the day.
I don’t remember much else about the assembly, but I will never forget the looks of agony/embarrassment/amusement from the students and faculty as I completed the walk of shame back to my classroom. I think some of them actually felt bad for me because SERIOUSLY, who says that?! Though most of them quite simply appreciated the fact that I had humiliated myself on such a grand scale. Knowing I was shaken up by the whole experience, my principals sought me out later in the day to see if I needed any support from a guidance cunteslor…
Fortunately, we were a small district, one with a good sense of humor, and I retained my job despite my snafu. But my pride? That’s long gone.
Well, you were there to recognize the c*ntless…since it was the best of the best…I see no problem here 🙂
OH. Because the best is men? I’m smart.
Priceless. Absolutely priceless 😀
I wish I had your oversharing courage. I think my followers would drop to single digit if I did lol
Eh, try it 🙂
I don’t get it 🙁
And how many phone calls did you get before you hit your classroom?
You’re the devil. But I love you.
Okay, I’m having a bit of a crap day over here, but THIS made me laugh until I cried. This is so something I would do, and I love you for it. Thanks so much for sharing and for making me laugh!!! xoxoxoxo
I don’t think my last comment went through, so I will say it again: I’m having a bit of a crap day, but this post made me laugh until I cried. This is so something I would do, and I love you for sharing it!!! Thanks for the laugh today! xo
I’m sorry you’re having a crap day 🙁 Two things to make you feel better: you’re climbing the ranks in the Top 25 (rightfully so!), AND you didn’t say c*nt in front of your boss. So, you’ve got that goin’ for you 🙂
Uh-mazing!! I would have died. Or if I didn’t die, I would have definitely peed my pants. Either way, you completely rock. When can we actually hit happy hour together in real life, my friend?!
Philly’s not too far, is it?! 🙂
Oh, boy!
I remember this day, being in the auditorium with 600+ students.
But for the record, even in her moment of pure shame, I was one of the teachers that stood by her…
well, within 100 feet of her anyway…
I had a few pictures to commemorate the day, Mr. Teacher of the Year. Shall I share them?! 😉 In all fairness, at least I didn’t get a gross email from you.
You cunting little fox! This had me rolling on the floor laughing!!! Good one Stephanie!
Holy canolli! My jaw dropped to the floor when I read your comment–you’re a team player, Melissa! I’m dying!!!!!!
You could have gone on in some accent and pretended it was how you said countless? Maybe not. I found you at finding the funny and today, I wrote about an admin who stopped by my room and said something so weird it seemed inappropriate AND he has an accent, so it’s all kind of related. Come see! http://www.sparkling74.blogspot.com
Inappropriate translates nicely, doesn’t it? 🙂 I’ll definitely check you out–thanks for stopping by!
I used to work in a bank. I once emailed a customer to discuss their accunt. Oops! Always use a spellchecker!
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! That is just fantastic! 🙂
I often drop the eff bomb without even thinking about it, but those moments when what I meant to say comes out as a completely different word are the most embarrassing. I can’t say I’ve ever said that one by mistake though.
I don’t mind a good curse word, but with the wrong audience and a slip of the tongue, so much can go wrong!!!
Friggin’ hilarious, Woman! I think “cuntless” should be a new word to describe cowardly women! Sorry to laugh at your expense but this really is too funny. So listen—I just tagged you and several other bloggers today in my new blog post. I hope you are up for the challenge! There’s no rules to the questions—you can answer as many or as few as you want. Just have fun with it! I hope you’ll participate because you could do a great post on it–which is why I chose you. But no pressure–if you don’t want to, that is fine, too. Hop over when you get a chance, check it out and leave me a message in the comments to let me know if you are interested!
I’m on my way!!!!!!!!
That’s awesome! We were celebrating a family birthday and I asked if anyone wanted any cock, er I mean cake. Oh well.
Bahahaha!!! Hopefully it was an adult birthday party? 🙂
Quite an amusing story so it was. Nice to start my Tuesday with a laugh.
C You Next Tuesday is really all I have to say about this. OMG!!! I can’t believe you didn’t pass out from the shock of yourself!! What a great story!…but I do feel badly for you. Plus on a MICROPHONE just in case the people walking in late from the parking lot couldn’t hear it! You poor thing!!
STUDENTS were telling me that they would C me next Tuesday. Wanted to die.
This made me laugh just as much as it did the first time I read it!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning! xoxoxo
I love that you re-read my shizz, Dani. You’re the best 🙂
One of my favorite stories! You naughty girl.
I need a spanking…wait. Wrong forum for that…
Yep like Dani above, still so funny that I have to comment again 🙂
And look at you! You’ve Overshared since then!! We’re growing together, Mama G, do you feel it?!
I would NOT have been able to keep it together.
I’m not sure how I did. I just kept thinking I was going to be fired so I tried to hold my head high.
Hey, if GW can get away with “new-cue-lar,” you can mispronounce “countless.” Least that’s what I’m going with here!
YES! That’s all it was, Norine. A simple mispronunciation. Happens to the breast of us… 😉
It think you could pronounce it that way up here and, if you didn’t pause, no one might notice. I’ll try it out over the next few days and let you know how it goes…
Thanks for the share!
OH please do! A social experiment right up my alley!
Oh dear! Well at least it makes for a good story. 🙂
Exactly! And I wasn’t fired. Double win.
What a cuntless I mean classless move…I cunt believe you would do sucha thing
Ewwww…it’s not funny when your brother does it…
Oh my! I think my cheeks would still be red today!
Cara, not gonna lie: every time I read this, I blush a little 😉
That is just plain awesomeness…
Yeah, my parents were pretty proud when I told them about it 😉
Oh my goodness, that is just hilarious! And of course it would happen at a high school, of all places. We all have our slip-ups 😉
I’m just really proud of the students; had I been in high school, I don’t know that I could’ve held it together for the sake of a teacher!
great story. my wife teaches and she has inherited the potty mouth from being around me for so many years, I am always afraid she will slip up.
Oh, Mike, I don’t want to break your spirit, but the school system has given your wife her potty mouth 😉
Thanks for reading, sir!
LOL!!! Could have happened to anyone…and by anyone, I mean, me! 😀 At least you got a great blog post out of it!
True!!!! At the very least, I made some other people laugh. Mostly school board members and the parents of my students, but it’s cool…right?!
How have I not already commented on this post? It made me spew water onto my keyboard the first time I read it…THANK GOD, this time I was ready and had nothing in my mouth! ;)-Ashley
I know the feeling. I almost vomited after I said it 😉
I can’t cunt…er…count the ways this made me laugh!
It also reminded me that I owe you an oversharing post. Sadly, I will have to narrow it down. I have a lot of embarrassing moments.
I would LOVE an oversharing post from you!! Any time you’re ready, lady! It can be about the dog, the gnome, the husband. Totally up to you 😉
You didn’t say cunt. You said cuntless. Distinctly different. I was a teacher before the mom gig too. I’ve let a few curse words fly in the classroom. I didn’t have the excuse of misreading, though, but I also wasn’t in front of an auditorium of people either. I feel your pain, but it makes for a great blog post! 😉
What is it about teaching that just makes the expletives fly?! My guess is you also taught high school? 😉
LMAO Steph! I’m so glad we got a special oversharing from the woman herself! Your shame brings me joy.
Your shame brings me joy. That should be the tagline for the Oversharing series 🙂
Second time I’ve read this. Still funny, though I don’t envy you the moment itself. Kudos for holding it together, and telling the tale with humor to spare.
Thanks so much for reading…again! Definitely wasn’t my finest moment 😉
OMG Steph, I’ve been saving this one to read until today because I’m in the car (shotgun) for a couple of hours and I’m DYING! Glad my girls have headphones on because I just read it aloud to my husband who choked on a piece of popcorn at “cuntry fried steak” and almost killed us all. This story is epic!!
I’m so glad I didn’t kill anyone in your family today 🙂 Thanks for reading, lady!!
Awesome. I was in a staff meeting and typing up notes as we went along- which were being projected on a big screen. I started to spell “country” but stopped midway though to do something like take a drink… And I had misspelled bit and I left just “c*nt” up there for quite a good amount of time.
Given that I WAS the boss in that situation, I just laughed it off with an “oops!”
I’m sure you were the butt of many jokes after that incident. Thanks for the funny.
Oh I was. So, so many jokes…
Oh, I would have died laughing! You know the kind where words can’t come out – only air, wheezes and tears. I wish I could have been there.