It’s been too long since I’ve added to my Oversharing series, so let’s just get right to it, shall we? Today we will be discussing the time
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t your napkin, but it was someone’s…
The year was 2009. My son, barely 3 months old, had accompanied me and a few family members to a baby shower. It was a classy joint, floor to ceiling sparkling windows with fresh flowers adorning every table and, of course, linen napkins.
Everything had been going well. I actually got to enjoy a hot meal because my angel snoozed in his car seat, and when he did wake, everyone wanted to take turns holding him which meant I got to pay attention to all of the adorable gifts the Mama-to-be was unwrapping. I’m a sucker for a personalized onesie.
And then I smelled it.
Anyone who tells you that breastfed babies’ poop doesn’t stink is an egregious liar.
Holy. Shit. Literally.
Of course the classy joint didn’t have a classy changing table, so I was left to my own devices and a bench in the ladies’ room. Luckily, half of the women at the shower were in the bathroom with us, and at one point, I believe I had 5 different helpers.
“I need another wipe!”
“Pass the Buttpaste!”
“The sock! The sock is in the poop!”
After 25 minutes and one outfit change later, my little man was all clean and once again snoozing. All I smelled was sweet success.
Until he crapped himself again.
What’s a new mom to do when her poop monster has soiled the only remaining clean outfit? One may say to wrap the baby in his blanket and be about my business, but please note that he also crapped on his blanket. I could have left, but dessert hadn’t been served yet and I needed to know who bought the Mama-to-be the gorgeous wooden cradle. Clearly, I was stuck.
So I did what any good parent would do and a I fashioned a little outfit out of the lovely cloth napkins from our table. So all of you cloth diapering Mamas, bow down. I reinvented cloth diapering that day; I think a total of 3 napkins went toward My Cause, and while I felt bad about it, it was necessary. Very, very necessary.
And then he crapped in the napkins.
By the time we arrived home, I had a week’s worth of soiled clothes stuffed in the bottom of my diaper bag (note to new mothers: always keep a few plastic grocery bags on your person, never know when you might need them…), and a kid who was wearing nothing more than a diaper and a bib.
I’m still friends with the formerly known as Mama-to-be, currently known as Mama-to-two, and I do believe that she reads my blog. Perhaps she won’t come across this post and I can remain the oblivious gal pal. However, if she does, in fact, read this I would like to take this opportunity to offer my sincere apologies for my kid pooping in your napkin and for me subsequently stealing them. I figured you would want me to have them.
Mama G says
PMSL! Now you made me wet myself. Again :-/
Welcome back ‘Oversharing’ – you’ve been missed.
I may be opening my “Oversharing” series to guest bloggers, so get those stories ready, Mama G. I totally expect you to participate 🙂
Mama G says
Can I use naughty words?????????
Mama G says
Relevent to the story of course, not just like for the hell of it…?
Well of course! It’s like you don’t even know me.
Mama G says
I don’t even need a reason to use them do I. Omg this is a really short paragraph. It’s like an eye test. But with less random lettering.
Mama G says
This is even wackier!
The Sadder But Wiser Girl says
ROFLMAO! I love you. And your kids’ poop. Thanks for the laugh! I’m waiting for the roadside assistance guy to get my car unstuck, and I really needed a laugh!
Did you ever watch Malcolm in the Middle? A certain episode where they fashioned diapers out of newspaper and duct tape comes to mind!
Oh no! Sorry to hear about your car–at least you have some extra reading time! Never watched Malcolm in the Middle, but I remember the show!
LOL, I am DYING laughing at this! I still laugh and tell stories about Logan’s first few months of crapping – how do babies poo so dang much?? Clean diaper just placed under them bum, and yep, he’s crapping again! Love it. And I am 100% sure they wanted you to keep the napkins! 🙂 Thanks for the laugh this morning!
Yes, SERIOUSLY! How do such little humans make such big amounts of poo?!!!
Thanks for reading, Kris 🙂
So hilarious!! You have no idea how much I can relate to this! I always forgot the diaper bag! I think I seriously brought it along on 2 outings and since I have 3 kids that is a lot of outings sans diaper bag! My kids have been diapered in dish cloths, maxi pads, and paper towel. I am not joking! Whenever my husband and I get into a fight and I tell him I am smarter than him he always has to bring up, “yeah, you’re so smart but you can’t manage to remember to bring a diaper bag anywhere!”
HA!!! So nice to know I’m not the only one! A pad–that’s perfect!
This was hilarious! Thanks for over sharing! Every Halloween I tell my kids the story of Olivia’s first Halloween (much to her dismay). She was quite the little crapper back then, and right after I had propped her up on the couch in her adorable LadyBug costume she took the mother of all dumps right through her costume. Good thing I was quite the prepared Momma or indecisive shopper and had a clown costume for back up. 😉
“The mother of all dumps.” That pretty much sums up months 0 – 5, doesn’t it?! They’re so cute, yet so gross!
Jessica Smock says
I think this is the best tip for new moms ever. Forget packing your diaper bag with the things that don’t really need (pacifier wipes, six different snacks, etc.) and just make sure you have plenty of plastic bags wherever you go. And extra clothes.
They really are words of wisdom!! Thanks for reading, Jessica!
I think I just broke a rib…
Feel free to apply the “shut the fuck up now” rule to me if you continue to sustain injuries. BUT thank you 🙂
Penny Roach says
Bahahahahaha…..so stinkin’ (quite literally) funny!! You must have had some powerful, um, milk. The real questions are a) did you find out who got the wooden cradle and b) did you get to have dessert?
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
Penny, I always gets my dessert 🙂 And her mother-in-law got the cradle!! 🙂 🙂
Dani Ryan says
OMG, this is HILARIOUS!!!! I can just picture it!
My (formerly) BFF came to visit when my child was 3 months old, and she kept saying she felt something wet, but I kept shrugging her off as I had JUST changed her. Turns out she was right, and she had poop all over her jeans. Serves her right for waiting 3 months to meet her!
And I agree that breastfed babies have smelly poop!
I understand why this chick is your FORMER BFF. The Kid knew what she was doing; biatch deserved to be pooped upon 😉
Love love love this! When kid #2 was 4 months old and it was cold here (Yes, I know I live in San Diego but it reallyw as cold as frosty’s balls that year) I took my two boys to the Zoo. The oldest was just 3 at the time. Please note the only reason I took them to the Zoo was because I felt guilty that we never did anything fun and since there was a new baby in the hosue and I had images of Kid #1 remembering nothing fun abou this childhood because I sucked as a mom and like his baby brother better- the last part may or may not have been true. Basically, it was a guilt driven trip to the Zoo. After walking 55 miles to see the animals and down the biggest hill known to ma to see the stupid pandas it was tiem to go back up the stupid hill. Pushing a stroller with a 3 year old while wearing the baby in the stupid Bjorn thing and… baby craps all over his outfit, the Bjorn and my stomach. So disgusting. But since we were going up hill and I was leaning into it while pushing the stroler, it also spilled out and over onto my shoes and the ground. Of course there was no extra warm outfit in the diaper bag because i live in freaking So Cal and when is it cold. So I had to put the screaming baby on the metal (yes metal) changing table and dress him in shorts and short sleeves while his brother was crying and whining. Poor dude’s arms and legs were blue by the tiem we got back to the car. Which by the way was only 1.5 hours after we arrived. I stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and shoved as much junk food into Kid #1 as I could so he’d have a happy memory of the day.
Hey, at least the zoo already smells like poo. Right? 🙂