Oversharing: You May Remember Me From Walmart

When I started blogging, I stumbled upon a little corner of the interwebs called Bad Parenting Moments. From the name, I thought I was in for a dose of Pinterest fail-y stuffs and a fellow mom’s admission that imperfection is the thread which holds her days together, too. Power in numbers, people. Anyway, I couldn’t have been more wrong. What I found was depth in writing where it had been lacking; soul in life where it was missing. I found the incomparable Bethany, and I’ve been clinging to her every word since. Everything she writes makes me feel or think, and I cannot tell you how much I love that about her. When she agreed to let me snag today’s absolute riot of a story for my Oversharing series, I wanted to smother her with inappropriate hugging and overzealous petting. I still get crazy fan girl on her, but she doesn’t seem to mind…

 

 

Bethany is good people, and she tells one helluva story. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

 

I’ve never told this story in print. It’s my own version of the (sub)urban legend; that time everything goes stunningly wrong to the point of absurdity.

I’m telling it now because frankly, I can’t remember where I put my keys and, I want my great-great grandchildren to one day sit around a fire-lit room and give thanks that I’ve long since passed and am no longer around to serve as a constant scourge on our lineage.

I was pregnant. I was in Walmart. I was wearing a see-though dress. Hold up, this sounds like the beginning of a country song!

I was pregnant
In the Walmart
Folks saw my panties
Oh the shame
Oh the shame
Ohhhh the shaaaaaaaaaaaame

I’ll get back to those lyrics later.

So, I was pregnant inside of a Walmart. So far, so good. Pretty par for the course. I was in a see-through dress. Well…still not that atypical. I mean, Walmart. BUT, what was atypical about my People of Walmart experience is that I didn’t know my dress was see-through.

AHA! FUN!

I also was wearing my very last pair of underwear because I had been too ill to do laundry. It was an adorable pair of incredibly stretchy boy short undies that I’d bought before I got married. They were black and had giant, white bubble letters printed on the ass that said: I LOVE ROBERT!

So, I’m hobbling through the Walmart proclaiming my ass’s love for Robert when all of a sudden, I feel ill. I mean, really ill; leave the shopping cart full of cheese and Preparation-H in the aisle and run to the bathroom ill. I made it just in time to vomit in a stall with the door wide open….with a baby strapped to my chest.

Oh, I didn’t mention the baby. Right. I had a baby in a pack strapped to my body.

I was pregnant
In a Walmart
Folks saw my panties
I then vomited
In the stall
With my baaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaa-bbbbb-y

This song is getting really good.

I stumbled to the sink, rinsed out my mouth, re-adjusted my baby and went back to my cart.

Then, people started to stare. I must have really looked ill. I can only image. Thankfully, I didn’t need to imagine for long. I passed a mirror in the Home Goods section. My neck was bleeding – blood was all over my neck and my baby’s hand. Apparently, while I was vomiting, she’d scratched a mole on my neck.

To recap: I was pregnant, carrying a baby with a bloody hand. I had blood dripping down my neck. I had just vomited. My ass loves Robert and everyone knows it. This is all happening in Walmart. We all on the same page?

Good.

I ran back to the same bathroom and cleaned off my neck. Nothing else could possibly go wrong now.

Oh, what a silly woman I am.

At check-out, the young cashier seemed very uncomfortable. I chalked it up to breath. I realized she’d probably seen worse. I was still feeling pretty good about myself until she said, “Ma’am, your…ummm…dress.”

I looked down and one breast was hanging out. A complete breast. At some point between blood clean-up and check out, my baby had pulled down one side of my dress. How long had I been walking around with an exposed breast? Some of life’s mysteries are better left unanswered.

I fixed my dress, mumbled something about the day I was having and sauntered off letting her and everyone get one last look at my Robert lovin’ ass.

I arrived back at my sister-in-law’s house. As I relayed this story she said, “Do you know your dress is completely see-through?” and I laughed and said, “Yeah right. That’s hilarious.” and she said, “No. Really. I can see your underwear.” and it was at this moment that I realized that not only was I eligible for the People of Walmart website, I was the People of Walmart President. You can call me Madame President, thank you very much.

I was pregnant
The day my baby
Scratched my neck mole
And I puked in a public restroom
STAAAAAAAhhhhhhL
Then my boob, it was out
While I wandered about
And my rear
Told the secrets of my heart

I was pregnant
In a Walmart
I had hemorrhoids
My baby
Made me bleed
In the aisles
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I had just stayed in bed
Now I’m President
Of People of Walmart

Ok guys, is this good enough to sing now?

Until next time, you’ve never shown your panties in a Walmart and you’re a lady goddammit.

Yours until the end of time,
Bad Parenting Moments

BETHANY is a writer and the proud mother to four, young Vikings. She is the author of the parenting blog, Bad Parenting Moments and the chronically unread poetry blog, Room for Cream. She can often be found searching for socks, keys, discount non-perishables and a bathroom lock her children can not pick. Bethany’s work has been published on several parenting sites and, when they’ll have her, in old-fashioned black and white in her local, independent newspaper. Her children are unimpressed. Editor’s note: we’re basically best friends because we’re in I Just Want to Be Alone together.

Find more of Bethany on Facebook. She’s worth your like, promise.