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When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

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Oversharing: Group Poop

By Stephanie Jankowski 32 Comments

A contributor to the New York Times Bestseller,  I Just Want to Pee Alone, is here to share her funny. She also happens to be one of my favorite writers and people:  Amy’s blog, Funny is Family, will make you laugh, cry, and then eat. No, really; she feeds my family every Thursday with her Crock Pot Thursday Recipes. See why I dig Amy? I also applaud her open-door policy whilst making a number two…

 

OversharingPresents.FunnyisFamily

My brother-in-law is everyone’s favorite. Babies adore him, he never gets involved in family squabbles, and he’s hilarious. He’s my husband’s little brother and he does things like draw birthday cards for his niece and nephew that they carry around until their next birthdays. He laughs at my jokes (which is an outstanding personality trait) and plays with my kids. My college friends still ask about him, and moms love him. The only time he gets mad is when someone has wronged a person he cares about. Then he can be a real asshole. That just makes the rest of us love him more.

But the reason I love him most is because he doesn’t talk about that one time.For a few years, my oldest friend was living in the same town as my in-laws. We were in town for Christmas, and my husband, his brother, and I popped in to see this friend at her apartment. This was before my husband was my husband, and my friend and my brother-in-law had met a few times. We planned on having a few beers and some laughs.

It was a cute little place, and we were having a nice time. Some people are just easy and fun, and this tiny  apartment was crammed full of four of those folks. I was a happy girl, until my tummy started to rumble. It was churning in that “it’s not super urgent, but you’re gonna need the bathroom soon” sort of way. Since my friend only had one bathroom, and it was damn near in the living room, I decided to wait till we got back to the safety of my in-laws’ three bathroom house.

As it usually is in those one bathroom situations, my gut had a different idea than my brain. It became clear that there was absolutely no way I was making another hour, and I started doing some reasoning in my head. Taking care of business around my friend was no big deal. She already knew how disgusting I was. My brother-in-law was another story. I mean, he was cool and welcoming, but maybe he was one of those guys who didn’t think girls pooped? This was stupid of me, as he has two sisters, and is definitely aware of how we girls can annihilate a bathroom.

I made my way to the bathroom, and that’s when the severity of the situation hit me. The bathroom door was propped against the hallway. It was broken, and completely unattached to the door frame. My friend laughed and gave a halfhearted apology. That bitch didn’t even feel bad that this was going to be a group poop. No door to muffle the sound or the smell. I had no choice. What was this? A frat house? I know that some of you fellas are used to stalls with no doors, but us girls are accustomed a modicum of privacy.

They tried to ignore me, but the conversation kept faltering, and bursts of laughter hit me, much in the same way that the odor must have been hitting them. This was before we had smartphones to entertain us while dropping a deuce, so all I could do was sit there and listen to the people I love laugh at me and my rotten ass. I yelled at them to shut up, but that only made them laugh harder. They finally went outside to give me some privacy, but the damage had been done.

I reemerged, sheepishly, and everyone acted cool, but no one looked me in the eye. I was ready to go. It smelled inside, and I was exhausted.

Attention single ladies: My brother-in-law is still up for grabs, and if I haven’t made it perfectly clear, he’ll put up with your shit.

*******************

Amy and her husband made two kids, a four year old girl and a six year old boy. She does not consider herself a housewife, as she owns no pearls and only one apron. Amy has been featured on BlogHer, Aiming Low, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, and Bonbon Break; and is a contributor to the best-selling book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. You can find her laughing at the absurdity of parenting on Facebook and Twitter, and pinning things she’ll never do on Pinterest. She writes embarrassing stories about herself and her family at Funny is Family.

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Comments

  1. nothingbythebook says

    June 7, 2013 at 9:56 am

    There should be a link to his Match.com or Lavalife profile at the end of this post. πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Amy says

      June 9, 2013 at 5:45 pm

      There really should be!

      Reply
  2. Crystal Green says

    June 7, 2013 at 9:58 am

    This is definitely cute. I HATE having a bathroom door shut on me when I’m in it after being locked in a bathroom at wedding when I was a small child.

    My husband must have picked up the habit with me because he no longer shuts the door completely either. In turn, our smells go throughout the house and it becomes a source great laughter anytime someone does number two in our home. We all respect each others’ privacy, but some things can’t help but spread out of the room. So, there is lots of laughter, racing for the air fresheners, candles and lighters for the person in the bathroom, and so much more.

    I won’t even go into the gas bomb stories we have.

    Reply
    • Amy says

      June 9, 2013 at 5:47 pm

      Now that I have kids, the bathroom door is always open around here, too. That’s how you know you know you’re a family, right? πŸ™‚

      Reply
  3. The Sadder But Wiser Girl says

    June 7, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Two of my favorite bloggers coming together for oversharing? Priceless…

    This sounds like a dream I had once, or rather a nightmare! Thanks for oversharing with all the world Amy!

    Reply
    • Amy says

      June 9, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      If we ever meet in real life, I’ll try my hardest to manage my bodily functions if you will!

      Reply
  4. Anita @ Losing Austin says

    June 7, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    This is some funny Sh!t. πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Amy says

      June 9, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      I see what you did there.

      Reply
  5. vernette says

    June 7, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Oh. My. Word. I needed this laugh today…*flatline* I lost it at “That bitch didn’t even feel bad that this was going to be a group poop” and then I had to get up from my desk and take a walk lest I disturb my entire office with my belly busting laughs at “It smelled inside, and I was exhausted.”

    Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      Thank you! I love a good poop story, and I’m thrilled that you do, too!

      Reply
  6. Shay says

    June 7, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Oh my gosh, I had something so similar happen once!! I feel your pain!

    Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:25 pm

      Do you feel a deep connection with your poop buddies, too?

      Reply
  7. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants says

    June 8, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Oh, how I feel for ya. Pooping with the door open? In front of a potential husband and his brother??? No wonder you were exhausted. I was exhausted just reading and laughing!!

    Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:31 pm

      I know, right?! I have to wonder if that situation would still embarrass me, some 12 years later? Probably.

      Reply
  8. Darcy Perdu says

    June 8, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Laughing AT (and Sympathizing WITH) you on that story, Amy!
    Embarrassing AND Hilarious — my favorite type of story!

    (Thanks for sharing her experience on your blog, Stephanie!)

    Reply
    • crazy14 says

      June 8, 2013 at 5:18 pm

      Thank YOU for reading, Darcy!!!! Come on back now, ya hear? πŸ˜‰

      Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:32 pm

      Embarrassing and hilarious stories are MY favorite, too! Thanks, Darcy!

      Reply
  9. Chris Carter says

    June 9, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Oh my GOSH!!! I pictured every stinkiin’ minute of this!! You POOR thing!! How totally humilating and hilarious at the same time!! I would have gotten in my car and drove down to the next restroom sign available…
    That is some nasty oversharing… πŸ˜‰ Wait. I smell something. Did you flush?

    Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:35 pm

      I’ve done that before! Wayyy back when my husband and I first started dating, I would “run to the store” if the bathroom situation wasn’t to my liking. I’m so lazy, that didn’t last long.

      I’m sure I flushed. Let me check…yep. Twice!

      Reply
  10. karen says

    June 9, 2013 at 6:09 am

    OMG…I can’t imagine…I’d be mortified….but then again I got violently sick one day and had no choice but to poop my pants in my car. It was horrible and I never want to experience that again. Hubby was at home waiting for me and helped me and has never mentioned it again, though I am sure it scared him for life. LOL

    Reply
    • crazy14 says

      June 9, 2013 at 10:23 am

      I feel your pain, Karen. I now keep plastic bags in the car just in case…….

      Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:38 pm

      Oh my, that’s awful! Thankfully, my future husband didn’t have to assist. He would if he had to, but he wouldn’t like it. Unlike your gentleman of a husband, mine would tease me about something like that whenever he could!

      Reply
  11. Cheryl Nicholl says

    June 9, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Aaah Steph- your bad times are still my good times. I swear this is one of my nightmares- thank you for having it instead of me.

    Reply
    • crazy14 says

      June 9, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      Fortunately, it wasn’t me πŸ™‚ This is one of the Oversharing stories where I beg and plead and stalk other bloggers to embarrass themselves on my blog all in the name of entertainment. This lovely lady is Amy from Funny is Family. Check her blog out–she’s fab!

      Reply
    • Amy - Funny is Family says

      June 9, 2013 at 6:39 pm

      Even within the safety of my favorite people, it was still embarrassing. I’m glad I could take one for the team!

      Reply
  12. Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. says

    June 10, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    That is a brilliant Oversharing story! I remember being very self-conscious pooping in my friends’ one-room apartment in college. It was protocol to light the “sh*t” candle in their bathroom after using it, and when I tried to light it, the match burned my finger and I dropped it. Into the tissue-filled trash. I then beat out the smoldering trashcan with my hands. What an idiot. Even more embarrassing than the #2 smell…. Great post, Amy and Steph!

    Reply
    • crazy14 says

      June 10, 2013 at 4:06 pm

      Maybe this can be your second Oversharing story, Steph?!!! πŸ˜‰ πŸ™‚

      Reply
  13. Jill Pinnella Corso says

    June 11, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Hilarious! Your brother-in-law sounds like a catch, seriously.

    Reply
  14. stacey @nursemommylaughs says

    April 27, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Oh, Amy! Maybe they had a hand trowel and you could have dug a hole out back to cop a squat? lol That is just horrific. πŸ™‚

    Reply

Trackbacks

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    […] friend Amy from Funny is Family was oversharing at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion: Group Poop (Oh, just read it, it’s […]

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  3. Just Add Water: My Week Condensed 6/9/13 | says:
    September 16, 2013 at 6:05 pm

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