Hey, you know what’s really great, and by great, I mean “makes me want to scoop out my eyes with a rusty spork?” Potty training a small human. All the experts tell us to look for SIGNS OF READINESS like dry diapers in the morning or mini-tantrums when one soils herself, but here’s some inside scoop: the experts don’t know everything.
In fact, I’d venture to say the experts are big fat lying liars because no one but the kid wearing the diapers knows when she’s ready to ditch the diap and hit the potty. My now first-grader refused to pee on the potty until he saw all the other kids at preschool doing it. My soon-to-be kindergartner decided one day she would wear underwear like her brother and BOOM! Two kids trained with zero expert advice and barely any incentive from Mom, which is equal parts amusing and infuriating.
The only thing my two-year-old hates more than a deuce in her diaper is the mind-numbing terror of sitting on her plastic princess potty in front of the television with the promise of a lollipop hanging in the balances if she produces. There’s something about that potty that sends her into an absolute tizzy, and she has made it quite clear she would rather sit in her own fecal matter than risk falling into what she is sure is an infinite black hole.
So that’s fun.
Recently, when she has to go, she disappears so we don’t have the chance to pull off her drawers and sit her on the electric chair, AKA: her adorable pink potty that plays inspirational tunes to celebrate a job well done. So by the time she returns, the damage has been done. Screams of “OW, IT HURTING MY BUM!” normally precede a stench akin to rotting flesh in the hot desert sun.
During her diaper change, she continues screaming, only this time it’s “GROSS! NO POOP! NO POOP!” while covering her eyes. The following procedure, which we’ve affectionately named P-3, must be followed during each change or proverbial and literal crap may hit the fan:
1. PASTE. We must apply a liberal dollop of Butt Paste (I prefer the safe simple ingredients in Boudreaux’s Butt Paste All Natural, and because I run this show, I say what goes. Shhhh, let me have this).
2. POWDER. It’s a must and if we skimp, we hear about it. Loudly.
3. POOP. After she’s all cleaned up, she uncovers her eyes and requests a final look at her dookie before bidding it farewell. Step 3 is gross.
I’m a firm believer that if a kid can articulately verbalize very specific requests like the ones above, she’s probably ready for the potty. But past experience has told me it doesn’t matter what I believe, no one cares. So we’ll rinse and repeat P-3 until our little lady decides she’ll flush instead of fuss. I look forward to spending money on toilet paper rather than the whole arsenal of diapering, but I have a sneaking suspicion that once my girl is potty trained, I’ll miss the days of pasting and powdering that adorable, soft, little baby hiney. Though I can absolutely do without the official stool sendoff.
This post is brought to you by Boudreaux’s Butt Paste and The Motherhood. All opinions and tushies belong to me.