When we first started dating, I was still in college, broke as a joke, and he had already begun his illustrious career as a high school math teacher. In short, he had coin; I had none. He paid for everything. Once, after a rather pricey meal, I apologized that I couldn’t even afford to leave the tip. His response? “It’s okay. Just give me a kiss and say, ‘You’re nice.'”
That’s my husband.
I started a memory book for us, mostly to document all of his one-liners, and little did I know, after almost 8 years of marriage, 2.5 kids, and many, many one-liners later, he would still have me in stitches.
“This is a happy house.”
“No one likes a whiner.”
“Like Mick Jagger says, you can’t always get what you want.”
Those are some of the infamous ways he tells our children to quit whining. It’s genius, really, especially when compared to my inclination to shriek, “WILL YOU PUH-LEASE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES?!”
German Shepherd-like loyalty. Articulate and intelligent. Lacking many of the social graces to which most of us are accustomed.
That’s my husband.
Even when we’re at our worst, we’re still better than some couples’ best. He just makes things that way. Our marriage vows and wedding bands aren’t just words and metal to him; the man takes life as husband and wife seriously. I trust him, I admire him, I like him.
When I started blogging a little over two years ago, he told me to have at it. We understood it was risky, and that not everyone would appreciate my writing, but he has been my biggest cheerleader. He has encouraged me to use my voice because “I am talented” and people want to read me. I would have thrown in the proverbial towel a while back had it not been for him.
Allllll that said, my husband is far from perfect. In fact, he does things that make my blood boil and upper lip snarl like a cross between Elvis and a rabid dog. Like when I’m limping around because there is an acrobatic fetus on my sciatic nerve and he nonchalantly remarks, “That’s a side-effect of pregnancy,” I want to claw his eyes out.
When I’m talking to him past 9pm and he FALLS ASLEEP in the middle of our conversation, I envision smothering him with a pillow.
Any time we have to be somewhere, especially if we’re running late (which is always), he finds something incredibly irrelevant and unnecessary to do at the exact moment we should be leaving.
But at the end of the day, we laugh. And laugh some more. And I took a chance that others would find him just as endearing and amusing, and ya know what? I was right. I wrote about my husband’s uncanny and ill-timed nesting tendencies, and the essay has been published.
Like, a real book. One with pages and a table of contents. It even has a title: I Just Want to Be Alone. Sound familiar? It should; it’s the sequel to the huge hit, I Just Want to Pee Alone.
Don’t get us wrong, we love the men in our lives – we do (most of the time). It’s just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that. Just for an hour … or a day … or a weekend. We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on the floor on his side of the bed. We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask?
I Just Want to Be Alone is a collection of humorous essays from 37 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the web (listed below) AND it’s available for pre-order HERE. The book is available on March 22, 2014, but if you PRE-ORDER it on Amazon right now, you get the discounted price. So, are you ready to get your very own copy?
After March 22nd, the book will be available on Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords.
You guys, I am beyond excited and humbled and OHMYGOD THIS IS HAPPENING! to be a part of this anthology, mostly because my husband is the focal point of my essay, and there is no other man who deserves to go down in hilarious history than he. Also because some of my very favorite lady bloggers are among the authors. I have met some of these gals already, some of them I haven’t. Some of them I will meet this summer at a blogging conference. But in this wide expansive Web, I feel like I can call them pals, and that makes the daunting task of writing and baring our souls that much easier. Thank you, ladies, and you know who you are.
We think other women will relate to our men’s antics and hopefully laugh until they tinkle (the other women, not the men. Although, it would be rad if we made a guy laugh-pee). Anyway, I’ll spot you a new pair of undies if you just read it and love it. Please.
Super Cool Lady Writers:
When Crazy Meets Exhaustion <—That’s ME! Weeeeee!
Reserve your copy of I Just Want to Be Alone now! Head on over to Amazon and grab your paper or Kindle version!