Today is Valentine’s Day and I don’t care.
If today were Valentine’s day circa 2005, my handsome fiance and I would be en route to a quaint cabin in the woods, complete with spa treatments, gourmet meals, AND a big picture window for me to watch the deer swing by for a visit. Doesn’t get any better for a woman who loves her man, massages, stuffing her face, and animals.
Do I miss those days, that trip in particular? Sure. But I’m perfectly content with what today’s V-day will bring: helping my son write his name on his Valentine cards and throwing together a festive treat a la Pinterest for his preschool party. And while my little guy is at school and his sister naps, I will kick my feet up, close my eyes, and continue the sexy dream I started last night. You should have seen me, guys. I was AH-mazing. My outfit, my control, the rush! I think I’m blushing!
Ladies, you understand, right? I mean, to be in a position where you have all the power! Erotic, right? Indulge me, then; let me play out my fantasy right here for you…
That’s right kids: I am Judge
Judy Stephanie and I run shit.
You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Stephanie Jankowski – the people are real, the cases are real, and so are the PJs she’s wearing underneath her robe. Stand up and bow down.
In my dream, I reside over cases where people refuse responsibility for their actions. They don’t think before they speak. They’re guilty of breaking and entering. They steal. They lie. They make messes and expect everyone else to clean up after them. They don’t take direction. They lose sippy cups filled with milk and don’t flinch when you discover them, weeks later, and hold back the vomit that’s creeping up in your throat. You know who I’m talking about: toddlers.
And they’re all on trial in my courtroom.
OH YES YOU WILL CLEAN UP ALL OF THOSE BLOCKS!
YOU’RE A POOR EXCUSE FOR A CRAYON ARTIST!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT JUST PUSH YOUR SISTER?
DON’T YOU LIE TO ME! I KNOW YOU FLUSHED 45 BABY WIPES AND CLOGGED THE TOILET!
THOSE WALLS DIDN’T DRAW ON THEMSELVES!
I’M COUNTING TO THREE AND THEN–THREE, DAMMIT!
GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS AND LOOK AT ME!
When he’s not in time-out, BradyByrd will handle the swearing-ins and anyone who gets rowdy or, as my grandmother used to say, “lippy.”
I’m not sure what Ella will do seeing as how she mostly just yells and throws tantrums. I think I’ll put her in the sandbox with the really feisty defendants and watch as her refusal to share brings them to tears.
The cases are different, but the rulings the same: I’m awesome. And no one argues or disputes what I say. No one tells me NO. No one has selective hearing when I announce it’s bedtime. Toys are in their bins, taking turns is a way of life, and the grandparents fight over who takes the kids for the weekend.
What? You were expecting another kind of fantasy because it’s Valentine’s Day? Come on, people–you know how I roll since having kids!
To those of you with visions of lingerie and bottles of wine dancing in your heads, piss off.
To those celebrating like me, Happy Heart Day!
Special shout-out to my work husband, Timbaland, for spit balling with me yesterday. Vent sessions are my favorite.
Karen Morgan says
IT’S NOT JUST ME! It’s funny how “what turns us on” changes drastically after kids, isn’t it? And I so prefer these Valentine’s Days to any where I actually had to shave my legs. Cuz my son doesn’t care 😉 Hold court, sister! And Happy Valentine’s Day!
Definitely not just you! Happy Heart Day to you and your hair legs! 🙂 🙂
Mama G says
LMAO! Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope you have a lovely evening however you choose to spend it. I’m hoping to spend mine drunk 🙂
Your Valentine’s Day sounds delightful! Why can’t we live closer?! 🙂
Mama G says
It was delightful. I am tipsy, unshowered, and tea isn’t cooked yet. And I’m going back on my vow never to comment on your blog drunk again. Best go hose myself down 🙂
Mama G says
Just an update I thought you would like while Mr G is in the shower. I peed on my dress. Rewind – firstly I’m wearing a dress. I run to the loo, I hoik my dress up (I don’t even know if that’s a real word but it sounds right) and plonk on the loo. I then remember my dress has uber long ties in the back. Yup. Consider THOSE well peed on. I’m now sobbing and sipping neat Port from a miniature bottle that was in a Christmas gift set.
I love how you chaps talk! (How was that for some authentic UK-talk?!). I am very sorry you peed on your dress. I say grab your hair dryer, have at it, and finish off that Port.
P.S. I LOVE drunk comments.
P.P.S. You may also want to spritz some perfume on the ties. Just a friendly suggestion. <3
Happy Valentine’s Day to you Stephanie! I’m spending my day showering myself with some extra special love. Because I’m so awesome and being single rocks! HA!
Vernette, shower away! You deserve it and if that special someone hasn’t surfaced yet, may I suggest eating your weight in ice cream and then taking a long nap? Maybe that only sounds appealing to me… 🙂
Bwahahahaha! I just spit coffee! I linked you on my blog today. Hope that’s OK? I coudn’t help it!!
VICKY! How could you?! Link to me and possibly put more eyes on my blog?! You horror of a woman! *wink* It’s always okay, lady 🙂
Yet again another blog to make a shitty day great!!!!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a shitty day 🙁 But I LOVE that you read my blog and still invite my kid and I to your daughter’s birthday party. That means you don’t think I’m *too* nuts! 😉
This was funny as hell! Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your motley crew! I think you’re all awesome!
Hey there!!! Thanks for reading and thanks for the comment 🙂 Hope your Valentine’s Day was as beautiful as your writing!
Is it weird that I read this 4 times to day and laughed every time? Then I called my mom and read it to her. Then I called my husband and read it to him. And then, yes, I read it one more time. You are hysterical. I was also trapped in the house with two sick kids. You and coffee saved my life- and possibly theirs;)
We aim to please ’round these parts!! Hope the kiddos feel better 🙂
Kate Hall says
Oh Amen, Sista! I need some respect like Judge Judy gets. Fun post!
I wonder if I walk around in her robe if I’ll get more respect or just look delusional? I’m willing to try…
Julie DeNeen says
That’s hilarious! I would love to be a judge. I think the gavel would go to my head though.
After having so many people see me naked and in labor, I’m not afraid of anything going to my head these days!!
Is there room for two in your dream? I’d like the opportunity to slam the gavel. My toddler would be found guilty on ALL counts. As for the lingerie and wine, I think that vision only surfaces and continues to resurface in my husband’s head. You already know that I don’t part from my yoga pants. Hope all is well in Stephanie Land today!
Anka, I’ve seen you, woman: you can make yoga pants or Depends look sexy 🙂 🙂
I can’t get past the part of ….”you’re a poor excuse for a crayon artist”!!! Love it Judge Stephanie!! Spot on! Spot on!!!
HA! That was one of my favorite lines, too, glad you caught it 😉
Everything changes post-kids! 🙂 xoxo
Ain’t that the truth?!! Most changes are for the better, though, so I’ll wait to officially put the kids on Ebay until their next tantrum or refusal to brush their teeth 🙂
The Sadder But Wiser Girl says
I see I’ve missed a buttload of posts… bookmarked your page now so maybe I’ll actually get to read your posts!
My toddler is a preschooler now but is just as stubborn, though I will admit that I like age four MUCH better than age two and three!
You’ve given me hope: my little guy will be 4 in July. Come on, summer!!! I hope the subbing gig is going well for you!