Jesus Take the Wheel So These Other Morons Don’t

Have you ever wondered how some people are legally permitted to function amongst us? I have. Often. And every day, I am rendered speechless by the mounting stupidity I witness. From the entitled brat of a woman sighing dramatically because she has to wait in line at the grocery store (learn how to use the self-check-out or shut up) to the inconsiderate jerk who walks his dog through our neighborhood with the sole purpose of having it #2 in someone else’s yard, the level of “sweet Jesus you’re a moron!” has really been kicked up a notch lately.

It’s one thing to be thoughtless while wielding produce or a pooper scooper, but lemme tell ya: stupid with a driver’s license is not a good combination. If there is one thing on this earth that makes me want to punch puppies, it’s the sheer carelessness with which people drive.

Do you not see the car you’re about to pull out in front of?

Are you incapable of going the speed limit?

ARE YOU TOO GOOD TO YIELD?!

These flippant weenuses get my blood boiling faster than my 4-year-old sprinting away from broccoli, so I took it upon myself to highlight a few of the lesser known laws of the road. And by lesser known, I mean EVERYONE KNOWS THIS STUFF YOU IGNORANT A-HOLES.

• Turn Signal. Let’s break this down: a signal is an indication that something is about to happen. A turn is a change in your car’s direction. As such, a turn signal should be an early indication of a car’s deviation from its original course. So, please, please: use your turn signal. And I don’t mean as you’re making the turn; if I am physically witnessing your vehicle leave the main road and that’s when you signal, it makes me stabby. It’s the law, but also, A HEADS UP WOULD’VE BEEN NICE.

• The Yield Sign. This is a tricky one. It’s not quite stopping, yet not quite going. We should rename it the “sneak a peek” sign. Maybe then people would understand what to do upon coming face-to-face with that confusing upside down triangle.

• The Turning Lane. I personally love me some turning lanes. They’re super convenient and maintain the flow of traffic. Unless, of course, some stupidface doesn’t know how to properly utilize the it and comes to a full stop in the regular lane causing my blood pressure to push through the car roof and explode onto the pavement. I mean, really, is it so difficult to merge 5 feet over to make your turn? If you’ve answered yes to that question, punch yourself in the face and put your license in the nearest paper shredder.

• Pulling Out. Did you just giggle when you read “pulling out?” It’s okay, me, too. Anyway, this is pretty subjective. When are you far enough away to effectively pull into traffic? Here’s a general rule of thumb: if you have caused an oncoming car to slam on her brakes and scream curse words into the atmosphere, you were probably too close for the successful pull-out. That said, if you do somehow manage to get on the road without causing a collision, for the love of all that is holy, DRIVE. Don’t slow down and sight-see. Don’t leisurely eff around with the radio or search for your cell phone that probably went flying into the backseat as a result of your bush league move. DRIVE LIKE THE WIND, especially if I’m the one behind you. Because I am now under the assumption that you are responding to an emergency situation where you will either deliver a baby or put out a house fire. Why else would you be driving like such a frantic idiot? I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, make me proud.

• The Speed Limit: Unlike the topic of pulling into traffic, the speed limit is much more objective. As in, it’s explicitly stated so follow it or I’ll cut you. Hey, I’m not perfect; sometimes I drive faster than I should. But know what I don’t do? I don’t dry hump the law-abiding citizen in front of me, who is traveling the legal rate of speed, by hugging her rear end tighter than a pair of XS jeggings. Why? Because I’m not a douche. If you’re in that big of a hurry, buy a helicopter and piss off.

• Stoplights: Smartphones have revolutionized red lights; instead of hitting the gas on a yellow light, people are now slowing down, eagerly awaiting a chance to check their email or snap a selfie. #behindthewheelyall  I personally enjoy a convenient red light that allows me more time to time to sing along with Adele before arriving at my destination, but know what sets me apart from those ding dongs behind the wheel? I am well aware of my position at the red light, fully anticipating that sometime in the very near future it is going to…say it with me…TURN GREEN! And if you’ve graduated from preschool, you know that green means GO! So, go. Quit filing your nails, picking your nose, or texting your BFF. You can do it, put your back into it, GO.

I don’t know, maybe I’m a hopeless romantic with all this stuff, but some courtesy and common sense make my heart smile. If you don’t want to buckle up, I’m not going to lose sleep. You prefer to cruise on your motorcycle at a cool 80MPH sans helmet? You’re dumb, but have at it. It’s just that when it comes to the well-being of others’ on the road, I kinda feel like we should all try to keep each other safe. Oh, there I go again showing my soft side. How about this: as long as drivers continue to fly around like bulls in a china shop, nary a care for anyone around them, I’ll be packing heat. And by heat I mean I’m making poop grenades out of my neighbor’s dog crap and flinging it on the windshields of those tailgating, non-turn-signal-using, paying zero attention, too cool to wait their turn SOBs on the road. You have been warned.

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