My First Week on NutriSystem (Also: Why I’ve Been Farting Like a Teenage Boy)

I’ve no complaints about dedicating the majority of recent writing to my book. But I gotta say: I’ve missed word vomiting over here! I’ve been itching to get back to sharing the meaningless and embarrassing details of my life. LET’S GET STARTED!

Writing a book right after the year of Too Many Blue Moons wasn’t kind to my waistline. When I stepped on the scale this past summer, I was teetering at my highest non-pregnant weight.

No bueno.

 

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I was all eff that noise and decided to do something about it. For starters, I traded beer for vodka. That’s not a joke. But I also got back into a regular work-out routine and watched what I ate…as best I could. By a small miracle, I didn’t gain any weight over the holidays (please celebrate me). However, my parents did gain and my dad, active and usually careful with his diet, is currently frustrated with how difficult it has been to shed the extra pounds. When he suggested we all try Nutrisystem because the family who starves together, stays together, I was once again all, eff that noise because MONEY. Then Dad said my favorite words: “I’ll pay.”

SOLD.

 

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Fast forward to today, day 5 on Nutrisystem. I’d like to share some thoughts on this:

1. I’m considerably less hungry. Which is weird because I’ve only been eating 1,000 calories a day and none of them are the satisfying kind. But…overall? I’m pleased.

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2. My pants were fitting looser until yesterday when I blew up like a balloon. More on that in a minute.
3. I’m loving the Nutrisystem shakes and bars. I’m not really loving anything else. As was to be expected, all the food this week is pre-packaged for portion control and even though omg what is this powdery stuff they’re calling soup?!, I appreciate the sizing because my family believes proper portions are for quitters.

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4. Maybe it’s some of the Nutrisystem meals’ ingredients or maybe it’s because I’m technically PMS’ing (hard to know since the ol’ uterus went bye-bye…been meaning to write about that), but I AM BLOATED. The shakes tout “get rid of the belly bloat” right there on the label, so me thinks this could be a Stephanie issue and not a System issue. Meh. I’d rather the discomfort of bloat than terrible, horrible, very bad, no good gas. Which brings me to:
5. I noticed myself…ummm…tooting more than normal on the second day. I figured it was a reaction to one of the meals. Then the next day was more of the same, but…noxious. The situation intensified in both stench and quantity the following day, and my children began asking if the dog had an accident in the house. Since my parents and I had been doing a daily check-in to keep up morale, I fired off a text message about my putrid gas and listed all the things I’d eaten, curious if anyone else was having the same experience. The first response came from my sweet mother-in-law: “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope it passes soon.” Horrified, I realized I’d accidentally sent my message to her AND my father-in-law, enlightening them about my disgusting predicament. Thankfully, I have no pride and got over it quickly. All that to say: I DID NOT SEE THIS SIDE EFFECT COMING. I thought I’d be hungry, maybe sleepy, definitely hangry, but I did not know I’d be the reason we’d put the car windows down in the dead of winter. Bless.

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The first week of Nutrisystem is designed to drastically cut calories in a very restrictive fashion. It was perfectly doable Monday – Thursday, but today is Friday. Friday is for ordering pizza, relaxing with a drink, and eating the kids’ candy when they go to bed. Except this Friday isn’t for any of those things and I’m feeling the void. I know I’m not the only one either because I caught my dad trying to sneak bourbon. But alas, I will persevere because I’ve come this far. I want to be a little lighter, I’m in need of portion-assistance, it’s always good to reset the gut. But most importantly, I’m afraid my Dad will ask for the money back.

So here’s to farts and Fridays!

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