Even though Facebook continues to be a thorn in the side of bloggers everywhere, I’m holding out hope that my pals and I will be given Mark Zuckerturd’s blessing to rant, rave, and laugh as per our usual. Especially because I’ve started a new “trend” (in quotation marks because I believe a trend requires more than 10 people for it to catch on…) called #HusbandWTF. This mini-series on my Facebook page has been well-received, and I can only assume it’s because my readers’ husbands also elicit the infamous WTF reaction on a regular basis.
My main squeeze has given me permission to post our conversations because he is afraid of the repercussions appreciates the power of humor. Take for instance this little ditty:
Me: I don’t feel prepared for this baby. I haven’t washed onesies, the nursery isn’t in order, and I haven’t even thought about packing my hospital bag!
Husband: I know! I feel that way about spring. I need a new lawn mower ASAP.
Me:
Husband:
Me: Did you really just compare our newborn to a lawnmower?
Husband: I feel like the correct answer to this riddle is No…
Here’s the thing about my husband: he is truly the world’s kindest man. He has good intentions, even when he makes it seem as though landscaping takes precedence over the impending birth of our baby.
He is the most loving person I know, so I don’t take offense when he looks at my ginormous belly and his eyes pop out of his head and he yells at volume 90, “YOU ARE HUGE!”
Earlier this week, my doctor confirmed I have a lovely case of the PUPPP rash. When my well-meaning husband took one look at it and wrinkled his nose and backed away like I was emitting a foul odor, I didn’t sweat it. Maybe because I was emitting a foul odor, but you can’t prove it.
Much like the innocence of a child, my husband always reacts in earnest and sincerity. Sometimes, like when I’m hugely pregnant and scratching myself raw, I don’t exactly appreciate said earnest sincerity, but dammit, at least the man is consistent. His social graces may be lacking, and his behavior can rival that of Larry David’s à la Curb Your Enthusiasm, but he is a good man.
That’s why it was so much fun using him as my muse when I wrote my essay for I Just Want to Be Alone. Dude is hilarious and has me in stitches every day, and I wanted the world to know. Contrary to what some may think, the anthology isn’t about man-bashing. Some of my favorite essays actually paint the men in our lives in such a way that our love for them is evident, but so is the truth: sometimes, they annoy the hell out of us. The stories are funny, they’re told with love, and they are tales that will continue to be told as long as there are husbands like mine roaming God’s green earth. In short, I’m pretty proud of my contribution to the book, and I am humbled to be surrounded by such wicked talent. A bunch of that talent resides here in Pennsylvania with me:
Meredith of The Mom of the Year
Bethany of I Love Them Most When They Are Sleeping
Christine of Keeper of the Fruit Loops
Because we are convinced you will love I Just Want to Be Alone as much as we do, the Keystone State gals and I have teamed up and want to give you freebies:
- FOUR of you will win a signed copy of the book.
- ONE of you will win a signed copy AND a $25 Amazon gift card so you can, DUH, buy more copies of the book.
- ALL participants must be 18 or older and live in the continental U.S. (sad trombones, young and International pals)
All’s ya hafta do is enter the Rafflecopter giveaway below and cross your fingers that your name is pulled when the giveaway ends at 12am on 3/26. Winners will be contacted via email, so be sure to enter a valid email address.
Who the fuck is Mark Zuckerturd?
Whoa. Relax, man. Zuckerberg, Facebook founder, ruiner of pages?
Great post, Mrs. Stephanie!!! Giveaways are fuuuuuunnnnnnn!!!!
I like giving things away. Namely my children to the grandparents for a Friday night, but hey–I’m not picky.
How are you this funny and still human? Also, I want to beat this rash up for you. Keep hanging in there, gorgeous pregnant lady and HAPPY LAUNCH EVE!!
I don’t recall ever admitting to the human thing. 😉
With two teens and a third grade son, I NEED some alone time!
Oh good LAWD woman, GOOD LUCK!!
PUPPP can suck it. I’m itchy all over again on your behalf!I’m so super excited for tomorrow, and for everyone to get our book and you hilarious essay in their hands. Your husband is adorable, and I’ll bet you being so hugely pregnant is making him tackle some serious projects around the house. I hope his earnestness doesn’t kill you all.
If you don’t hear from me, he tried changing a light fixture and I’m dead.
Why is lawnscaping such a priority for these men? That should be discussed in a book about the men in our lives. I wish their was a great collection of stories about that coming out soon.
My essay touches on it, but you’re right: we need a series about this crap!!! Love being in a book with you, Mama! xo
I need it because my kids and my husband all demand so much of my energy when they are around that I feel totally drained all the time!
OH Crystal, I feel you.
I’m going to risk getting beaten but *for now* I don’t need any alone time. My son is in daycare, my husband is at work, while I’m stuck on bed rest. In fact, most of my day is spent alone (unless you count the time I spend with my best friend, the interwebs). But as soon as this baby is born I’m going to barricade myself in the bathroom and be glad for any alone time I can get, so I totally get it!
Oh, Vicki, you’re definitely not getting beaten for being on bed rest. Hang in there, Mama!!!
I love my husband, but we have very different ways of feeling “loved” if you know what I mean. I am raising three lovely and exhausting children, and at night, when I crawl into bed, I just want to be alone. Totally. Dude man usually has other ideas…. I’d love a copy of your book!
What is wrong with men that they don’t understand the extent of our exhaustion?! You know when I’ll roll over out of a dead sleep excited for my husband? When he runs the vacuum and dusts the house.