July 2014 marked 8 years of wedded bliss for me and the husband. Every July 29, I force him to pose for The Anniversary Picture that proves we still like each other:
In years past, we’ve held a sign that reads how many years we’ve been married (thank you, Pinterest), but 2014 worked out that the ages of our kids (5, 3, 0!) added up to 8, so I swapped the sign for fancy Old Navy shirts to signify the milestone, and for the last July anniversary picture ever, I held a baby in my arms. A warm, snuggly, chubby-legged, gurgly, toothless-grinning, sweet baby girl.
I love this picture because it’s one of the few of all five of us, and my Facebook friends deftly pointed out that my husband looks less than enthused to have posed, yet again, for my adorable annual photo. Asking the man to take a picture is as difficult as suggesting the Kardashians make good choices or asking my three-year-old to use her inside voice.
Nearly impossible.
Anyway, after the forced photo opp, husband and I went to dinner where I gave him his anniversary card. I wrote some sappy stuff and then, at the bottom, included:
P.S. I’m pregnant.
To be clear, my intention was to glean a final conclusion of where he stands on the “one more baby” front; it was not to piss him off or lie to him. Stroll with me down memory lane and you may recall the episode of Friends where Phoebe tells Rachel her pregnancy test is negative, and in a moment of clarity and truth, Rachel is sad because she realizes she really does want a baby, then Phoebe is all, “Just kidding–your ego is prego!” and then everyone rejoices because Phoebe’s little joke reveals RACHEL REALLY DID WANT A BABY!
Oh, the emotions! The happy tears! The JOY!
Yeah, that didn’t happen for us.
Our truth was revealed. Husband saw through my joke and made it perfectly clear that he was done with the baby-making. And by perfectly clear I mean he offered to give himself the big V while we waited for our appetizers.
He then made a point that I still don’t want to agree with, but alas, he was right (don’t tell him I said that): “We’ll have four kids and you’ll want five! We’ll have five and you’ll want six! You’re never going to feel DONE!”
And there you have it. I will never feel done.
I want to feel done, I really do. Feeling done would mean this sinking sensation in my postpartum gut would finally go away. That I wouldn’t ache for a baby’s movement from within, or for another bulging belly that makes it difficult to tie my own shoes. If I felt done, I probably wouldn’t stare at strangers’ bumps, filled with envy and excitement and just a little bit of sadness. Okay, a lot of sadness. Maybe I wouldn’t spend so many daydreams wrapped in memory of the sweet anticipation of labor, or how I vividly remember feeling LIKE A BOSS each time I brought a tiny human into this world. Push, breathe, bear down. I know that. I love that. And now it just means I’m a touch constipated. So unfair.
But my husband is right; even if we did have “just one more,” I would be writing this same post with four little ankle biters at my feet instead of three.
Is that normal? Is it a “thing?” I have a small handful of friends who empathize with my plight; mostly, though, everyone stares at me, mouth agape, like I just punched a puppy.
And then there are the people who call me ungrateful because I have three kids; don’t I appreciate them?! I’ve had the chance, where many have not, to carry beautiful babies and take them home and care for them. Once, a feisty little Internet troll even blamed me for the population explosion and overcrowding in the U.S. Teehee.
I am not ungrateful, at least I don’t think I am. I count my blessings daily, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sad that I will never be pregnant again. Emotions are valid regardless of the reason or if others understand them, but I was nonetheless relieved when my OBGYN suggested I take time to mourn the end of my child-bearing days like I would the loss of a loved one. It was then that I realized this is, in fact, “a thing,” and I am not alone.
Each of my baby’s firsts, is my last. Her first step, first word, first flinging of prunes onto the wall–all my lasts. She refused to continue nursing right around 7 months, and the withdrawal (for me) was scary in how hard and fast it was. I keep telling myself it’s silly to think these days would never come; I just wasn’t prepared for the heaviness that comes along with them.
My body, never to house another living soul, seems purposeless right now. I KNOW it’s not, but instead of wanting my belly to get smaller and tighter as most postpartum Mamas do, I’m missing the awesome swell of pregnancy. For six years, I’ve been touching the soft middle of my tummy, anticipating its next inhabitant, quietly excusing the extra jiggle in my wiggle because it’s a baby house, dammit! Now that all residents have been evicted, with no promise for another, I’m struggling, man. I actually love my body more when I’m growing a human being; I feel sexy and powerful and feminine all at the same time. But it’s time to come to terms with the fact that my body is now only for me. On one hand, I’m like, “FINALLY!”, but on the other hand and both feet, I’m like, “This bites.”
Maybe once I give myself time to mourn the end of this era, I’ll feel better. Maybe I won’t. The last firsts sting with a bitter sweetness I’m not used to; I’m losing the wrestling match with finality. But hey, that’s life. Another stepping stone that reminds us of the inevitability of the changing of the guard. Someday, I hope to look forward to stealing back slivers of freedom that Moms of older kids enjoy, like only zippering my own coat or not cutting peas in half. Most of all, though, I hope to eventually put a hand on my tummy and feel done.
I agree with you. I have the same feelings. I would keep going..
How many kids do you have now, Becka? If you say three, I vote we both keep going! 🙂
OK, so I’m not here often enough to know, but …
1. I vote you have another. What? I have three. Difference between two and three was minimal. The noise is about the same. I’m still lucky to get two slices of pizza (and crusts from the youngest). How bad could three to four really be?
2. You won’t feel done until you are. Whether that is with more kids or just what you have.
3. I took my 9-year-old to the pool last weekend. I was able to write my Monday post in the 90 minutes we were there. That included just making visual with her every few minutes. No floaties. No swimmers. So, that part of being done? That’ll be kinda cool for you.
You should visit here more often 🙂
This IS a thing, and fine, OK, I’m crying reading this. In fact, I can’t really see right now through my tears. I too don’t know if I will ever feel done, and right now I’m desperately trying to figure out if I actually want a third baby or if I will forever mourn being done making babies no matter when that day comes. Is two the best number for us? How will I know? Like you, I suspect I will always struggle with it- I want to FEEL DONE. This was the best post ever- I loved every single part of it. Thanks for writing it, and sorry for the blatant oversharing here. xo
We’re in the same boat, Mama, struggling. xo And hellooooo? Oversharing is what we do here! 🙂
My hubby is also done, I still would love to have a third child! If in the next year or two we don’t have another I am going to become a surrogate. 🙂 I get to be pregnant, another couple becomes a family!
I WANT TO BE A SURROGATE IN THE WORST WAY!! As long as it’s not my egg, I would have no problem carrying a babe for a deserving couple!
It’s true that when you are done, it will hit you like a Mack truck. Women who feel good during their pregnancies are blessed. I felt awful, so after 3 pregnancies, I knew I was done. Now when I want a baby around, I go get a kitten. Darling pic of your family!
I bet if my pregnancies were all like the last trimester of my most recent, I would be like HEEEEELL NAW. But I kinda like it 🙂
This was a sad article to read! Probably because I’m going through a similar thing right now..
I just talked about this a week ago with a few mothers!!
I asking them, how did you know when you were done? They all seem to say the same thing. I knew when we decided to have the baby that he/she would be my last, as in, it wasn’t a question in either if their minds.
As for me, I still don’t know, I think because I don’t know there’s a chance of one more, but, if we did have one more, I know he/she would be my last.
I’m not making any decisions right now though, how can you? It’s all too much to decide right now. Wait a year (give or take) and if you still feel as strongly then I say you are not done.
I have cousins who say (now that they’re past their child bearings years) they felt like they should have had that last one and they regret it, so don’t make any quick decisions just yet.
At least your husband is on board and open-minded about a possible fourth, fifth, sixth… 😉
Yeah, surprisingly it doesn’t make the decision any easier..
I’m a strong advocate that husbands don’t get to make that decision unless they’re willing to take matters into their own hands and get fixed..lol
I think I keep forgetting that these little babies grow up and cost money. Yoi.
I’m one of those women who doesn’t understand people who perpetually want “just one more”. But, you should know that at the same time I’m totally jealous. The idea of a big family is dreamy. I still wonder what a third would be like, but I know MY reality of making that happen would be rough. I lack the patience, organization and energy a big family requires. Oh. And? This girl needs her 8 hours. It took me 4 years to be ready for a second, and when that one came along I was 90% sure I was done. Now that my youngest is 9 and I’m 14 months away from the big 4-0, I can whole-heartedly add the other 10%. All that being said, I hope you get to your happy place with this. Even though I’m happily done, it still hurts a little to know that chapter of my life is closed. Hugs.
I think you’re so right about the chapter of life closing; despite what chapter it is, even if it’s not your favorite chapter, it still stings. I don’t wanna grow up 🙁
The done/not done debate – oy! After our fourth, hubby gave me a Mother’s ring. Instead of saying thank you, I said, “Does this mean we’re done?!” After Joey died and I turned 40, I forced myself to be done, but I really wasn’t in my heart. That’s when I had my little surprise last one. Now that I’m 44, I know I am done, but gosh darn it if I don’t get all verklempt when I see a little baby or a pregnant lady. I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away.
I’m kinda sorta hoping for a surprise of my own, Kathy 🙂
I’m pregnant with my 2nd and the hubbs is already talking about not having anymore 🙁 I cried; he apologized, but he’s not going to back down. Makes me so sad.
Enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can, and who knows? He may change his mind when that little bundle is in his arms 🙂 My hubby did!
Let me clarify: my husband said yes to a third; he is saying no to a fourth!
Aww Stephanie I’m waiting in joyful (sometimes not very) to start. But in the meantime I get to live vicariously through you…so yup I’m sad too.
V, I keep telling you: MOVE TO THE STATES AND BE MY SISTER-IN-LAW!
Ideas for a compromise:
1. A tapeworm. It lives inside you AND takes care of the baby weight!
2. A snake that you wear curled all around you. It’s practically a part of you.
3. A life-sized tattoo of a fetus on your stomach. Also consume lots of beans and soda so you get little tickly gas bubbles.
4. Be a surrogate for the second child that my son and husband keep asking for. You can keep it until it’s potty trained.
Hope that helps!
You need to write an entire post on how to satisfy the pregnancy craving with tape worms and tattoos. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
I was in your shoes 30 years ago. Loved just about every moment of being pregnant with our son and daughter and being a mom. I didn’t feel “done,” either. But my husband would remind me that we were lucky to have two healthy children and they hadn’t invented a third sex, yet. Then they became teenagers with raging hormones who “hated” their parents, and we had our hands full; not to mention college expenses and later on, wedding expenses. Now they are each expecting their own babies. Let’s see, if they each have two babies, that will mean we have four grandchildren. Because I never really did get over feeling “done” and can’t wait to be a grandmother!
My kids are close in age, and after #3 my husband said the same thing. “We’re going to be the next Duggar family because you’ll always want just one more”! We ended up pregnant again when #3 was almost 2. I’m due in 3 months and I can say with certainty, I now have the done feeling. Though I am beyond thrilled to meet this new little one, the thought of being pregnant again after this, or taking 5 kids grocery shopping, or gathering back to school supplies for 5 kids just about breaks me out in hives. I’m looking forward to us moving on to the next chapter as a family. I hope you find peace with the “done” feeling, or that if you don’t, your husband comes around to being open to “just one more”. 🙂
Thanks so much for your comment, Mary. I hope that all goes well for your labor and delivery and that you’ll come back here and tell me all about him/her. Seriously, COME BACK HERE. GOOD LUCK! xo
My wife and I felt that way: not done, unsure. Then I got a vasectomy and found out we were having a fourth! We definitely feel done now. No way we’re having 5. I wrote about it in the post attached to this comment. It’s a hard decision. Best of luck!
I wish my husband would feel unsure OR get a vasectomy! Thanks for the link to your post 🙂
I was 38 when I finally had my son. Birth was close to a nightmare, and he never slept. I was beyond exhausted, and even though it would have been nice to have a sibling for him, I wasn’t ready to go through all of this again.
These days when I go baby clothes shopping for friends, I feel good about it. I kind of expected having to hide in a fitting room for a good cry, but no.
I’m thankful for what I have!
I have five kids and the last two were twins. For a long time, I felt very done. And we are definitely done. But, I still feel a little envious of pregnant women and wish I could hold my little babies again. I was just wondering yesterday if women just feel like that forever. I think they must! Great post!
First of all, multiples is, like, my nightmare, so I bow down to you! I don’t know how you moms of multiples do it! But I am sad/happy to hear I’m alone in my crazy thoughts!
I am feeling this way too… we have two and I’ve wanted a third for at least a year. My husband says he’s done. This week has been tough sending my oldest to school full day preK- like I’m mourning something for sure. My old life as a mom with no time and little babies needing me every second, I don’t know. I want to feel done and enjoy this next phase – but I just can’t yet for some reason. Thanks for writing this so I know it’s a thing. 🙂
Thank YOU for reading 🙂 And I hope you find that elusive peace that other women speak of!
Oh Mama…I soooo get what you’re saying. My husband and I were inexplicably infertile for 4 years. We were saving up for treatments when we got pregnant – then had two miscarriages. Then experienced a miracle and had a baby. Then another loss, followed by another baby. Then another loss and I felt done. But not in the “our family is complete” way – in the “I just can’t go through this anymore” kind of way. It was the right decision. We had two beautiful healthy children – a bit and a girl – perfect little family! So we traced in the minivan and husband scheduled a consult for the ol’ snippety snip. He was sick the day of his appt and couldn’t go… The clinic was booked up for 2 months due to the late year holidays. Just after Christmas, we found out we were expecting again! Holy crap! We were honestly not initially thrilled… We had been careful…I couldn’t endure another loss… First dr’s appt revealed I was a full month further along than I thought I was – meaning baby was conceived prior to my husband’s first scheduled aapt. Apparently that mattered to my psyche because it changed my mood considerably. We decided at that appt – no matter the outcome of the pregnancy, baby or not – we were done. We now have a 3rd miracle and I had my tubes tied.
I’m 38. I had a difficult road to motherhood. I have 3 amazing kiddos. And I still cry about never having another.
And then I feel guilty and like I shouldn’t be sad because of all the things I’ve explained above. And then my ovaries convulse when I hold my baby nieces and nephews and I get the sads again.
Being a mom and a woman is a real trip sometimes!
Holy typos. Sorry. Fat fingers on a little phone!
What a story!! CONGRATS on your surprise meant-to-be-baby! Glad to know I’m in good company with my crazy “sads!” 🙂
Oh and no worries about the fat fingers; I’m there with ya!
Yep. I totally went through the same feelings when hubs went for the big v this month. And even though each of my pregnancies were worse than the last, there’s just nothing that is quite the same as the selfish feeling of knowing your child before anyone else.
The Big V. Now THAT’S final! I almost wish my husband would bite the bullet so I would stop holding out that last ounce of hope!
Yes…he certainly took a bullet. But I have to say, waiting in the car with all three kids while he had it done? I don’t question it now.
You have an iron will, woman!!!
Steph, I love, love your honesty and awareness with where you are at. And that picture of you at the end blows me away!
Hi, hope you still receive posts. Did the feeling ever pass? My youngest of three has just turned 15 months. My husband had the V when he was 5 months and I was fine with it as we always wanted 3 and I felt done. As he got older and life started to get a little easier and friends started having more babies I have started to feel so sad that those days are over. Hard to explain and I do feel complete and don’t really feel I need another child but sad that I’ll never experience the amazing feelings of pregnancy and delivery which I loved so much. My eldest had turned 4 just before my youngest arrived so maybe having them so close together made it all over a bit too quickly. My children are my world and I love all three of them incredibly but I wish I could go back to the pregnancy and meeting them for the first time again. Guess I’m hoping to hear some reassurance that this feeling will pass. Hope it did for you x
Hi, Tammy!! I do still receive posts–sorry for the delayed response! I’d love to tell you that the urge has passed and I feel “done,” but nope. It has, however, lessened over time–especially now that I’m dealing with a threenager and her older brother and sister 🙂 But I miss a baby at my breast, I miss the anticipation of labor and delivery (like, who says that?! I’M NUTS!), and my husband is having a vasectomy next month so I just may need medicated. It’s incredibly sad closing this chapter of Motherhood, but I’ve got three fantastic kids who need my time and energy…and money. Holy crap do these humans get expensive!!! I hope you find a sense of peace or at least can trick your brain into believing it’s for the best. Will say a prayer for you 🙂 xoxox
Thank you for writing this, I googled this topic to see if anyone else felt this way and I came across your blog. So nice to hear someone almost rip the words from my brain. We just had our second boy two months ago and I loved both of my pregnancies soooo much. I always hated my body until pregnancy came along, I always imagined I’d hate it even more when pregnant, yet it ended up being the total opposite. It really is so empowering and beautiful I was so proud of my body for what it has done. I had such a gut wrenching feeling walking out of OB today after my last OB post partum visit thinking, wow th ok s would be my last time here if this is our final babe and proceeded to have a good cry in the parking ramp. Such an incredibly hard chapter to close.