I’m really ready to snap on the Internet. Forrest Gump’s Mama was right: stupid is as stupid does, and stupid sure does a lot. Especially on social media.
If I read one more article about how radio stations are refusing to play certain holiday songs, or how people are actually using precious minutes of their lives to boycott Christmas movies, I’m gonna set shit on fire.
Listen, Baby, It’s Cold Outside isn’t about date rape, mmmkay? It’s about a lady who was feeling her man but couldn’t bring herself to get her freak on because then everyone would talk about her the next day. She’d be doing the walk of shame in the wee hours of the morning, wearing the same dress as the night before, and pesky neighbors would be peeking through their living room curtains like, OMG! WHAT A WHORE! Her father would be horrified, her brother would be embarrassed, her mom would probably be like ATTA GIRL! Try on your shoes before you buy’em! But it wouldn’t matter what mom thought because only the men’s feelings mattered and appearances were everything when that song was written SEVENTY FOUR YEARS AGO.
WELCOME TO 2018 WHERE WOMEN CAN SAY YES TO THE THINGS WE WANT.
Stop it. Have the drink. Lend the comb. Play the damn song.
I think Santa and the other reindeer are assholes, too, but we’re seriously debating the Rudolph movie? I remember when my now 7-year-old daughter first saw the flick; she cried. She said the other reindeer were mean to Rudolph and I agreed and I felt sad because she felt sad but I also felt like she was maybe witnessing a lesson on how to treat people regardless of their appearance or abilities. So we rode it out and finished the movie. Even at the end, she said she never wanted to watch it again and I was like I feel you, boo. But know what I didn’t do? Start a petition to shut down the movie. Compare every human being with a disability to Rudolph’s nose. We just don’t watch it any more because WE HAVE THAT OPTION. Also? Rudolph’s dad was a real pushy jerk making him wear that fake nose. Rudolph was more about comfort than function and his dad was like YOU’RE NO GOOD THE WAY YOU ARE and now I’m waiting for bored people with daddy issues to set Twitter ablaze with demands that ALL HOLIDAY MOVIES WITH LESS THAN PERFECT FATHER FIGURES BE INCINERATED IMMEDIATELY.
Seriously, WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL ARE ALL THESE DEBATING, ANGRY PEOPLE EVEN DOING? I’ll tell you what they’re not doing: WORKING. I’ve just offended the unemployed bunch. Fine. Get a f*cking hobby, you guys.
Which reminds me: here are suggestions of how we can better spend our holiday time instead of dissecting every song lyric or movie clip. I’ve used the pronouns “we” and “our” to make it seem inclusive, but I think we can all agree there are only certain levels of insane being addressed here. Anyway, here, have the suggestions:
- Piss off.
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Know who doesn’t have time for your nonsense? The homeless.
- Take shelter dogs for a walk.
- Get right with Jesus because He’s coming for you and He’s not impressed.
- Marie Kondo your life and donate the good stuff to those who need it.
- Spend time with people you love. Friends and family lift you up, and then you don’t feel like song lyrics and cartoons are such a priority.
- Call your Mom. Or my Mom. That woman LOVES the phone.
- Knock on your elderly neighbor’s door and ask what he needs. Or better yet, just take him a meal, you selfish asshole.
- Leave anonymous notes with kind words on strangers’ windshields.
- Say something nice to someone. And mean it.
- Listen to/read/watch a comedy. Laughter makes everything better.
- Count your blessings and practice gratitude. Experts say if you write down all the things you’re thankful for, you’ll be less of a jerk or something. Let me know if it works.
- Use your powers for good. Teach an art class, sing at a nursing home, bake me cookies. If your powers are writing and debating and thinking deep thoughts, use them on things that actually matter, like ways to end poverty or raise awareness about serious issues, not animated talking reindeer I cannot with you people any more.
- Have sex. What? It’s good for you.
- Visit someone who doesn’t often get visitors. And take something, don’t be rude!
- The holidays aren’t jolly for everyone; reach out to those you know are struggling. Don’t ask what you can do for them, just do it.
- Spend time with children. The younger they are, the dumber they are and the more hilariously inappropriate things come out of their mouths with such oblivious innocence it just fills your heart so full it could burst.
- Ride a horse. I know it’s cold, shut up and wear a sweater. There’s something therapeutic about those magnificent animals.
- Clean something. Few things in life yield such immediately gratifying results as cleaning. Scrub a floor, shine a window, come to my house and fold this friggin’ laundry.
- Look around you and answer these questions honestly: is my life so empty that I have to make a mountain out of a molehill every time I disagree with something? There are true travesties and sincere injustices in this world; do I really want to waste seconds of my life–seconds I will NEVER get back–being angry and bitter and unhappy over such meaningless drivel?
- If yes: keep on keepin’ on, playa. Good luck with the making friends part of life.
- If no: THEN STOP YOUR NONSENSE.