For almost a week, I’ve tried to find a topic on which I can write that doesn’t include my silly daily gripes, ridiculous antics of my children, or anything else that makes me feel so ungrateful. It’s still on my mind, tattooed on my heart and, dammit, there’s nothing I can do about it.
After 9/11, Saturday Night Live took the reigns and set the tone for New York City and much of the country. Mayor at the time, Rudy Giuliani, was part of the opening scenes and when producer Lorne Michaels asked, “Can we be funny?”, Giuliani and his infamous lisp responded, “Why start now?” And we were off. It was a declaration. We were down, but we would rise. We would NOT live our lives in fear. We would not be victims.
This is so not the same thing.
And while I recognize that, I am still inclined to give into my selfish (or necessary) need to continue. Because ever since I heard the news, I’ve given up. I haven’t wrapped a single gift. I won’t watch my boyfriend Anderson Cooper. I refuse to let my husband even talk about it. The tears are heavy and constant. This is *so* insignificant comparatively speaking. I know that. But I fear that if I don’t allow myself to continue, my heaviness could end up suffocating me. I can’t let that happen; I have responsibilities to two small people who call me Mom. And my son (who is so sensitive that his preschool teacher had to nix “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” from their holiday playlist…) is beginning to take notice. How much longer can I blame the puffy eyes on faulty contact lenses?
It’s time to do whatever we can for those families, but let’s not forget our families. I’m a huge proponent of the adage “everything happens for a reason,” but try as I might, I just can’t use it now. The reason eludes me. The lesson is unlearned. But I bet you and I both snuggled a little longer, yelled a little less, and said “yes” a little more often these past few days.
It’s not really my style to get super-religious, but for those who believe, imagine what He must have felt like after sacrificing his only Son. After last week, I sure as shit am not giving up my kids for any-damn-thing, are you? So then, let’s continue in His name, in their name.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have gifts to wrap.