Before you feast your eyes upon my Theme Thursday post, please do kids everywhere a favor and hop on over to More Than Mommies for a second. Christine and Janene are sharing stories and statistics about bullying, and I’ve written something for them in hopes of raising awareness. You can read my contribution HERE. Don’t forget to sign their pledge to stop bullying while you’re there!
Those who know me, know that I’m reliable. Efficient. Organized. Responsible.
I mean, as a teacher and a parent, one kinda has to be those things, at least part of the time. But I’ve always been that girl, which is why my best friends broke up with me in Junior High. Being a loser in middle school apparently didn’t taint me; I went to college and became a Resident Assistant.
Free room and board? A monthly stipend? Sign me up! I went through the interview and the training process, and was hired as a Resident Assistant as a college sophomore. Essentially, I was a glorified babysitter, looking after people my age. I once had to chase a kid down the hallway because he was half-nekkid and high out of his mind. Good times.
Another resident came a’knockin’ at three in the morning asking me if I could help find her tampon; apparently, she had been busy earlier that night and she was concerned it was lost in translation, so to speak. Ummm, no.
And what RA job would be complete without a little mysterious defecation? I had to deal with the Ghost Pooper; a drunk who would dump on our shower floors and disappear before we could catch her. Yes, her.
Guys, I needed a night out. Like, bad. I was coming off of a break-up with my high school sweetheart and people were asking me to perform voluntary cavity searches on them. I deserved a night out.
This is where the do-over, my mulligan, comes in. It’s important to note that I was fired for going out on this particular night. So were, like, nine other RAs. Hilarious. Some say it was because we were underage, blahblahblah. Anyway, I don’t want to rewrite this entire chapter of my life; I just want to add some juicy nuggets: a pinch of debauchery, a sprinkle of chaos, and a splash of inhibition. I’m still getting canned, so why not get a little nuts? Nutser?
I would’ve danced on tables. I would’ve taken off my pants. I would’ve performed karaoke solos. I would have done one more shot (and maybe another) and laughed until I literally peed myself (I had taken my pants off, so it didn’t matter, remember?). I would have reconsidered when that tall guy with the ridiculously blue eyes suggested we go some place quieter. I would have gone streaking on campus like Will Ferrell’s character in Old School. I would have, inevitably, vomited all over myself because I never could hold my liquor. But dammit, it would have been epic. And so worth getting fired over.
I still remember calling my parents to tell them the news: I lost my job. The job that made college affordable. Shit.
My dad’s response: Did you have fun?
Sure did, Dad. But I could’ve done better. *Wink.
Lol — I totally forgot you were an R.A, yet some of those stories sound disturbingly familiar!! Hilarious stuff 😉
OH, yes. The RA days… 😉 Thanks for commenting, D’Uva; loved that you signed off as “D’Uva,” too!! <3
Great do-over! Now that you mention it, I have a few nights that I would do-over by being wilder and crazier. That’s not usually my style, but sometimes I wish it were. I guess it’s not too late – my kids could bail me outta jail.
Get nuts, Dana!!! 🙂
I recall zero instances where I wish I would have been more wild when I went out, but I have a few nights that were epic, and I was too lazy to put pants on and get off the couch. I hate it when people have fun without me!
Our RA was kind of a hard ass, until second semester when she got a new boyfriend, and then we got to do whatever we wanted. She was too busy to care! I don’t envy you that job at all. Totally deserving of every dollar you earned.
Maybe that was my problem; my man had just broken my heart and I think I was perceived as vulnerable enough to fish for another woman’s tampon. Bastards.
Carisa Miller says
I love that you’d go back in time to purposely cover yourself in your own urine and vomit.
Too bad Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms hadn’t yet written “Your Vagtastic Vagina Is Not A Blackhole”. You might have been able to send your lost tampon caller away with a pair of tongs and a DIY article.
Bahahaha! Tongs and a DIY article!
Jumpin' Jack Flash says
During my first week of college, my R.A. tried to recruit me to join him on the cheerleading squad. He said, “we could use a strong young guy like you.” I never asked him for anything or went near him again.
I personally would have loved to have seen you at the bottom of a pyramid 😉
I love your twist on the “do-over”!!! Also, your piece over at More Than Mommies was great. I can’t believe your friends broke up with you…it’s really made you into the person you are today though so you have them to thank for that (very sweet, thoughtful, and an amazing writer)!
You’re so sweet, Melissa–thank you!! I agree that the experience has helped shape me, although at the time, I felt like I would just wither away and die. I wish more kids had the chance to “feel” today, ya know? It makes life worth living.
Daily Dose of Damn! says
OUTstanding! I’m like Amy, though. I can’t think of a time when I wish I’d been crazier. I was a wild child and all of my mulligans would have included tapping the brakes a bit. Headed over to More Than Mommies now 😉
I’m a little jealous–I wish I had reason to tap the brakes more! It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy myself; I just always felt…reserved. I’m finding that I let loose more now than back then. Maybe after birthing humans and having everyone see me naked from the waist down just does that to a woman? 😉
You completely deserve a do-over on that one.
Thank you kindly, Vanessa 😉
Chris Carter says
Oh that is hilarious!!!! I think you need to go out and live those dreams BABY!!! DARE to dream…
BUT, I am now curious as to what you actually DID that night. What? Did? You? DO?
I tell ya what… I’ll give you half of my drunken out of control historical nights JUST so you got somethin’! 😉
Btw- that does truly suck that you got fired. 🙁
Haha! Chris, I did drink. And do shots. And dance around like the obnoxious 20-year-old I was. I did, however, remain clothed 😉 I just had a nagging voice in my head that kept reminding me to “hold it together” because I was the RA. So annoying!
Piper George says
I was a lifeguard. I too have stories about the mystery pooper and being approached by a random stranger asking for assisstance in finding her lost tampon. Lifeguard training is all about the CPR and removing people from pools with broken necks – at no point did they tell you about the mess made by a person eating 4 bowls of spaghetti bolognaise before coming swimming!
People are weird!
Love the new look – really, really love it. Did Julie do it – I have got to get my place sorted.
My new look is courtesy of AK Designs (her button is at the bottom of my blog), but Julie can definitely get you started. Hit me up if you want details 😉