I love my husband. I really do. Which is why I remind him. I beg him. I plead with him.
When that doesn’t work, I am not ashamed to say I have resorted to threats.
I will leave you. I will not take the kids.
Despite my attempts, he continues to do it. Or, rather, not do it.
I groggily wipe the sleep from my eyes, saunter into the bathroom, and prepare for my first tinkle of the day. You know the one: shoulders relaxed, eyes water ever so slightly upon release, and a satisfying yawn passes through your body and is lost in the still, quiet air. And then…
I lift the lid to find the husband’s morning BM staring back at me.
Each time this happens, I am filled with senseless rage. I have visions of myself jumping in the car, driving to his place of employment, and attacking him like a cougar pouncing a wounded zebra.
In an effort to control my blood pressure and avoid a prison sentence, I have created the following visual. It shall adorn the walls of my bathroom and serve as a gentle reminder that we are a family who flushes.
And, husband, I know you’re reading this. Let’s make this happen, mmmkay?
If anyone in your life requires a constant reminder to flush the mother effing toilet, please, feel free to print this, laminate it, have it made into wallpaper. Just know that I’m here for you, poor soul who is forced to lay eyes on another’s horrendous dump. I feel your pain, and I am here to help.
That’s. Effing. Gross.
I would die.
In his defense, he doesn’t mean to be gross. I think he does his bidness and then showers, subsequently forgetting The Flush. Still, effing gross. Yes.
Has it really come down to this? Geesh!
The gloves are off.
Janine Huldie says
Love graphic and so may need to borrow for certain people in my house, too!!
Let me know if you need anything added, Janine. I regret not emphasizing when the lid should be open or closed 😉
Mom Rants and Comfy Pants says
OMG Steph. It’s one thing to follow your littles, but Hubs? I need to go look at a picture of Channing Tatum just to get this unsettling vision out of my head!!
Mmmmm…Channing. Yep, that worked. Thanks!
Dani Ryan says
OMG, I would DIE! Fortunately, my husband and I are still bashful about that stuff, so he wouldn’t dare!!!!!!
Love the graphic!
I don’t know what the word bashful means, and in the husband’s defense, he’s mortified when I inform him of my morning findings. Not so mortified that he remembers to flush, but I appreciate his shame.
Marianne S. says
I agree…bashful in our house doesn’t exist.
My husband mentioned a (very personal BM problem) to his doctor with me in the room, and his doctor looked at me, and looked at him. Dr O said “You have a very open relationship!” quite shocked… then mentioned he’d never say that in front of his wife.. I thought it was crazy… how could you not mention it to your wife?
I have no problem (nor does my husband) saying ANYTHING about our bodies in front of eachother…. hey…it’s their body too!!!
Cheryl Nicholl says
Public humiliation is a powerful tool. May the force be with you.
Thank you kindly. 😉
The Sadder But Wiser Girl says
Why we blog: To humiliate our husbands into being less gross.
That is freaking hilarious… but gross. And I thought it was bad that
my hubby didn’t flush his pee at night, in an effort to “save” money. Maybe you need to post his picture next to his floaters 🙂
Bahahaha! I should definitely hold his ass accountable! No pun intended, although I am pretty proud of that one…
Kristi Campbell says
Oh my gosh, Stephanie, I was completely expecting that he left the seat up and that you fell in. UGH to the poop left in the potty! You know, that happened to me at work this week. We only have 2 bathrooms and their both unisex. I walked in and got my pants halfway off before looking down and seeing a co-workers turd. Unflushed. Jerks.
Funny post though. Maybe you can put up a sign for him, right over the TP.
And thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. I appreciate the virtual hugs.
Bahahaha! I’m sorry that you witness such grossness at work, Kristi 🙂 So welcome for the blog comments!
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. says
OMG, I LOVE THIS! I am curious as to how your husband feels about this post, as mine has made it very clear that he was not thrilled with me sharing some of his, ahem, less than flattering habits with the virtual world.
Funny you should say that because he (and his family) are very private people. I clearly have less than stellar boundaries, but I always ask him if it’s okay if I post stuff. He’s not yet read this but I have a feeling he’s going to think it’s funny because he’s gross.
Or you can tell him you will delete the post IF he starts flushing! Otherwise it is going into your family Christmas card. (b/c I am evil like that!)
Ooooh! The Christmas card–good one!
I think our husbands might be pen-pals. what is up with not flushing? I mean really! Mine’s excuse is we have a septic and he doesn’t want to a) waste water or b) have to get the tank pumped more than once a century. His only (minor) saving grace is that he lives by the mantra “if it is brown it is down, if it is mellow let it yellow”.
But every time I go into the bathroom and it smells like a city sidewalk out here in the boon docks I want to pull my hair out!!
Kerri!! I think I lived by that motto…when at camp with the Girl Scouts. Tell your husband to dig a hole in the back yard and do his thing if he refuses to flush. I’m going to take my own advice 😉
Steph, I gotta know, does your hubby leave the toilette seat up? Because I don’t know what’s worse? Having your butt slip into the toilette bowl because the cover isn’t down or waking up to your man’s ‘job.’ Fortunately, I haven’t experienced either yet!
Oh Anka, you’re SO lucky! He’s actually really good about putting the seat down, so he gets points for that 😉
Marianne S. says
Definitely slipping into the toilet bowl… assuming that it’s not filled with the man’s job!!!!
but one or the other, the cold, gross, wetness… EWWWWWWW
I’ve got 2 boys & a husband, I’ve slipped in the bowl more times than I’d like to admit!!
Yikes! My kids do that…and they’re both teens. Nice wake up call especially if it’s been simmering for a while. Self flushing potties looking good!
Marianne S. says
LAUGING MY HEAD OFF!!!! My 7yr old son (to his defense, he’s special needs) still needs help with the “clean up” portion of his BM’s… This job falls SQUARELY on my husband (unless he’s eating, in which case, I will glove up and do it. My husband 8 times out of 10 forgets to flush the toilet… I wake up, and BAM…there it is. I have also, however, walked in to my husbands ‘stuff’ too…. it’s gross…. especially if it’s sat for a while… then it starts seperating, and… well, you know.
I do plan on sharing your photo though… it tells so much…
I do have ONE question though… my husband (who I’ve already shared it with!) and I disagree on the ‘toilet paper’ part… Can you edify us on your meaning behind the wiping with the cardboard please?
Thanks for sharing!!
Marianne @ Sandling All Day
Marianne, so glad you’ve asked 🙂 The threat of cardboard refers to the gross toilet paper that I refuse to bring into my home because, quite frankly, I would wipe with a cumulus cloud if I could. However, I won’t spare a square for he who doesn’t roll correctly 😉
Self flushing potties–they exist?! I’ll take a second mortgage out on the house!
Well….I’m with you…you know how my family feels about an unflushed toilet!!!
Bahahaha!! Oh yes, we’re not trying to be as much fun as unflushed toilet around these parts 😉
If it’s brown, flush it down. My children are famous for not doing this. P.S. I have your guest post scheduled over at the Epistolarians for May 8! 😉
I enjoy that motto myself, lady. Someone give my husband the memo…
HOW EXCITING!!!! That’s the day before my daughter’s 2nd birthday. Very appropriate. Thanks so much!!!!
Pleased to say my hubs doesn’t do this. (But the list of crap he DOES do it quite long.) But my kids do this. What makes it worse? They never flush when it’s discovered. They poop and pee and poop on top of that until eventually I enter their bathroom. How many BMs and pees have happened here!? good grief!! We don’t need to layer people!
Kids + husbands + any pets = infinite grossness
Jill Pinnella Corso says
OMG not ok! Nokay!