To My Baby Brother, On His 30th Birthday

Hellooooo, Michael!

You keep telling me to stop writing about my lady bits and kids, and instead write about you because, like a typical man, you enjoy being fussed over. So, here it is. Your very own post on your very special day. The day you don’t want to celebrate but I’m making a huge deal over anyway. I think it’s dumb you don’t want to bang on your chest like King Kong and force festivities upon everyone (you know, like you normally do) so I’m ignoring your constant requests to “forget about today” because 1. I like to be difficult and 2. you deserve a little recognition. I’ll try not to get all sappy because that’s not how we roll, but if I get a little teary at the end, let’s just pretend the sun’s in my eyes. Now on with the birthday fun.

 

You’ve been feeling blah lately, so we want to remind you that you are worth celebrating, even if you don’t feel like it. We give you:

Thirty Reasons You Deserve a Rockin’ 30th Birthday

1.  Your impressions are spot-on. I would name my favorites but they’re probably reading right now…

2.  I’ve always been jealous that you got the dimples.

3.  Remember the time I was practicing for the 3rd grade spelling bee and couldn’t remember how to spell medicine? Mom sat with me in the kitchen for days going over that effing word a trillion times and I still couldn’t get it. In walks a 4-year-old Michael: “M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E.” Oh look how smart Mikey is! He’s brilliant! Everyone, come look at our pre-schooler who can spell better than his older sister! HE WILL BE PRESIDENT!! Bite me.

4.  No one is better to my kids than you.

5.  No one is more irritating to me than you.

6.  “He makes me laugh and he lets me look at pictures on his phone and he says, ‘Don’t delete dem!'” –the girl

7.  “He yells ‘RAIN DANCE!’ when we play basketball.” –the boy

8. *Gurgling and fart noises* –the baby

9. “He’s the only person I know who can make funerals fun.” –Husband

10.  Two words: La-wheese.

11.  You make a mean eggplant parm.

12.  Lately, I’ve been known to tinkle myself easier than I would like to admit, but even before childbirth, you could always make me laugh ’til I peed.

13.  Watching you play baseball is, somehow, one of my favorite memories.

14.  You’re incredibly generous.

15.  I can’t freakin’ stand how you don’t have to do math on your fingers.

16.  You’ve got a real talent for pushing limits; this could serve you well in business, but I can’t believe you haven’t been beaten up more.

17.  You have great friends who really care about you, and you’re a loyal pal in return.

18.  You make yummy mixed drinks and fancy shots, and then make fun of me when I start slurring my speech (after 2 drinks).

19.  I don’t know how you remember the things you do, but your memory rivals that of an elephant’s. Or Mom’s when she’s mad and throwing stuff back in our faces 23 years later.

20. You’ve got lovely blue eyes while I’ve been told mine are the color of baby diarrhea. Thank you for that, by the way.

21.  When you really want something, nothing stops you from getting it. Please see #16

22.  You’re absolutely incorrigible (look it up, I’ll wait…) (yes, I had to spell-check it, shut up…), which is both infuriating and admirable.

23.  I was happy when you bought a house in our neighborhood; I never wanted to be siblings who lived states apart because life is too short, maaaan.

24.  I envy the friendship you and Carney have. There’s a lot of history there. Stupidity, too.

25.  You have an unparalleled knack for applying ridiculous yet relevant movie and song snippets to any occasion. It’s a gift and I bow down.

26.  You’re very thoughtful, but you don’t like people to know. I can’t tell if it’s because you believe good deeds are best done quietly or if you’re afraid people will think you’re nice.

27.  I’ve never met a bigger Pirates fan; you’re committed to that team like Kim Kardashian to black men everywhere.

28.  That look you give mom when you want her to laugh.

29.  I’m pretty sure you’re everyone’s favorite. Except maybe Dad’s. That’s me. Obviously.

30.  You are my flesh and blood, the little brother whose forehead required stitching after I shoved him off of my bed (I was COLORING, you know better), the uncle to my children, the pain in my ass. I love you and I am so grateful to have you in my life so all three of my little maniacs can grow up with you close-by, appreciating the humor and levity you bring to our family. You’ve been the sad clown lately, and we’re sad when you’re sad, so start taking better care of yourself, okay? You say you don’t care, but you do, and I’d like you to be around to see my kids grow up and I will not be the only one taking Mom to weekly hair appointments. HELL NO. So be happy and realize that this list of 30 things is just the beginning of the many reasons why you deserve a fantastic birthday. I know you, and I know that you’re automatically thinking of things that aren’t on the list, and to that I say: shut up. There is too much good in life to focus on a few miscellaneous items. And if I know you (which I do, because I just wrote “I know you…”), you’ll find a way to make whatever you want happen. So hop to it, 30 year-old. But not before we have a beer and celebrate your birthday. Cheers, Uncle Mike!

 

We love you,

All the Crazies

 

P.S. This is your card.

P.P.S. And your gift.

P.P.P.S. I’m serious.

P. P. P. S. It’s really your 31st birthday; I reused this post from last year so maybe you’ll be getting a gift after all.

P.P.P.P.S. If you don’t stop texting me all those Sopranos graphics, I’m going to put a horse head in your bed.