The husband and I recently celebrated seven years of wedding bliss. We went out to a dinner that didn’t require miniature silverware, wet wipes, bibs, or the bag o’ tricks, otherwise known as Don’t Embarrass Us; Your Food is Almost Here. If I recall, I actually dried and styled my hair instead of rocking the normal fresh out of the shower ponytail. I know I put on make-up because I had a zit the size of a silver dollar on my chin and that shizz needed some serious cover-up. The point is that I was actually lookin’ pretty decent, so when the husband remarked that I was “glowing,” I just figured it was my bronzer.
I was wrong.
How funny are these two?!
We’re having a baby!!
I don’t know why I was so surprised by the news; after all, the universe does like a good joke. If you’re trying to get knocked up in a timely fashion, please follow the steps below so the universe can laugh at your attempt to control the creation of a human, too:
1. Based on last few months’ intense cycles, spend half of your paycheck on feminine products . Open them, sort them, and place a trillion of them in all of the bathrooms, your purse, the diaper bag, and your car’s glove box and repeat after me: WE WILL NEVER BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD AGAIN!
2. Because identifying ovulation has been difficult, spend the other half of your paycheck on an ovulation kit and bubblegum. Waiting is boring; blow bubbles to pass the time.
3. Look forward to your yearly beach vacation with unmatched fervor and envision the cold Blue Moons you’ll imbibe at the water’s edge.
4. Look forward to your yearly beach vacation with unmatched fervor and envision the shellfish you’ll shovel in your face until you can’t move.
5. Take a $2.00 pregnancy test. Because this is your third child, no need to indulge in the $10 read-out tests: Pregnant/Not Pregnant are for rookies. However, please note that your Type A personality will insist you buy 5 of the $2.00 tests, and because of your inability to understand math, you won’t realize that you’ve wasted money until it’s too late.
6. Buy yourself a copy of Paige Kellerman’s book, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of an Impending Miracle and laugh yourself into labor. Paige seriously made me snort with her daily pregnancy observations and stream of consciousness way of thinking. Her writing is a cross between something Larry David would pen and every pregnant woman’s thoughts. The honesty, the hilarity, the heart–Paige brings it all. If you, much like my period, are late and have yet to snag her book, today is your lucky day! I procrastinated sharing her witticisms so our giveaway would coincide with my news because I’m selfish efficient like that. Leave a comment and you’re automatically entered to win a free copy of Cankles. (We have a secret number system to choose the winner, simmer down).
7. Re-enroll in your online pregnancy group STAT and begin obsessing over conception dates and due dates and the age of your eggs. Then sit back and watch drama unfold when the imbalanced pregnants of the group start virtual cat fights over breast feeding vs. bottle feeding or vaginal births vs. C-sections. Ahhh, good to be back, ladies. Good to be back.
So if you’re looking to get your eggo preggo, the aforementioned tips will help. Probably not, but they worked for me.
I’m a little neurotic, but oh-so-excited! I’ve always envisioned being a family of five with two dogs and a swing set in the back yard. Somehow, my dream is coming true. I’m sure to drive myself insane finding things to worry about, but for now, I’m just going to bask in the blessing that there is a little person growing inside of me. Fortunately for those who see my face on the regular, I’m a pretty zen prego. I’m one of those weird anomalies who actually enjoys being pregnant.
Just remind me I said that when I can’t see my feet and I’m peeing every six seconds.
Oh and congratulations to YOU, too! Right now, you are but an empty vessel, but soon, and for the next nine months, I will fill you with pregnancy-related woes, questions, rants, successes, and breaking news. Breaking news like my rock hard stripper boobs; when they return, you shall be the first to know. You’re welcome?
Yay, babies!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I love that video, I love that you are cooking up another adorable human, I love Paige, and I love that you will be sending me all of your extra booze until spring. SO EXCITING!!!!!
The Gin is in bubble wrap and shall be swapped for a copy of your NEW book 😉
Super congratulations! I’m so excited for you!
You’ve no idea what your support of me and this little blog means, Juliet! THANK YOU! xo
Congratulations! I am expecting my third also. Can’t wait to read that book!
Congrats to you, too!! When are you due, Joanna?
Wow Congratulations! What a way to celebrate a 7th year wedding anniversary 🙂
Right?!! 🙂
YYYYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! Congrats, girl! So excited for you guys! And, per usual, this was the most hilarious and entertaining pregnancy announcement I’ve read! Have a wonderful week!
~Abby =)
🙂 🙂 🙂 THANK YOU! I couldn’t believe it when my kids started yelling at each other about boy/girl. High-larious!
Yee-haw!!! You did it!! I know how bad you’ve wanted this and it’s finally coming true! You will now have the exact same age differences between your kids as me and you will also be just as insane as me! So happy for you Stephanie! I also bought the hugest pack of tampons of my life right before I found out I was pregnant with one of the kids. It must really be a fertility god!
Maybe it is the fertility god yukkin’ it up while we drop $50 on tampons 😉 You seem to be holding the fort down pretty well on your end, so I’m going to pretend I can handle this. 🙂 THANK YOU!
I was going to come over here and yell at you if you had teased us with that title and then not been pregnant. But you didn’t fail us. YAY!!! So excited for you. Congrats!
Hahahahaha!! Don’t yell. I’m hormonal; I’ll cry 🙂
THANK YOU!
Can I just say that the best part of this awesome post was the immediate and impassioned argument between your current kiddos regarding the gender of your pending kiddo?! I cracked up at that. Because I’m twisted, apparently.
Congrats to you all!! Looking forward to the pregnancy shenanigans in your posts 😀
Jen, I agree with you! I didn’t expect their little verbal throw-down! Although my daughter leisurely sipping her breakfast was a close-second 😉
Aw yay! That is so exciting for you! Congratulations!
Thank you! <3
Ahhhh! Congrats to you and your cute lil family! xoxo
Thanks so much, Mama! xo
so excited for you! And you’re so right. We obsess over this stuff, but it works out just perfectly. 🙂 Can’t wait to be the empty vessel learning all about your 9 months of pregnant bliss!!
I knew YOU would be thrilled at this news, Mama!!! xo
“Life is a flame that is always burning itself out, but it catches fire again every time a child is born.” – George Bernard Shaw
Did you Google that? 😉
Congrats! So happy and excited for you 🙂
Babieeeeeessss
Thanks so much, Jill!! You’re next, right? 😉
Steph, I was beaming when I saw this video on FB and am beaming again now. This is TOO COOL! And that baby is so darn lucky to have such a funny momma to great him/her right after joining this world! P.S. Am dying over the pregnancy sticks…
Heart you 🙂
Baby fever is in the air and something must be in the water in our neighborhood. I am prepared to live vicariously through you, but I have been upended by my hubs who has casually hinted around that he would like to try for a boy. *gasp* I hope he’s joking…
Ooooh DO IT!!!!!!! Even though you would end up with a fifth girl, just DO IT! 🙂
Congratulations!!
Thank you, Vikki!
Congratulations! Can’t wait to hear all the joy (pain) of your impending baby!!
I’m sure there will be plenty of both! HA! Thanks, lady 🙂
Yay!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!
Thanks!!! xo
Congratulations!! And since I am so done here with babies, I will be living vicariously through you on this one for sure!! 🙂
Welcome to vicarious pregnancy, Janine! Congrats 🙂
Congratulations!!!!! {And I just have to say, when I was TTC, I absolutely LOVED looking at pee-stick pictures, so thanks for a chance to relive the fun!}
Pee sticks are all my pleasure!!!
Congratulations! You’re too funny ;). We are thinking about our second baby. I also love being pregnant!
ANNIE!!!! Go for it! And thank you 😉
Congrats on your newest tiny person!
Thanks so much, Molly!! xo
That’s fantastic!!! Congratulations!!!
Thanks, Mama! Great to see your face again 😉
Congratulations! We’re so thrilled for you. And just think of all the additional material you’ll have for your blog! Can’t wait to follow your journey! Keep the sick bags handy!
I think we only got pregnant again for the benefit of the blog. And bigger boobs. 😉 THANK YOU!
I found out I was pregnant this time after telling multiple people at work I would be waiting until my daughter was getting ready to go to Kindergarten (she just turned one). Haha, universe. Well played. They will be 19 months apart instead.
My first two are 22-months apart. Let’s drink together after the babies, mmmkay?
It’s a date!
Awesome, awesome, awesome!
I knew a fellow Mama of three would be thrilled for me. THANK YOU!!!! xo And I hope things are getting back to normal in your neck of the woods.
Yay!!!!! You did it! Well, your hubs had a hand in the process too. So glad I’m not the only one who’ll be peeing seven times a night!!
Hey! I know you!!!!!! Why haven’t I been getting updates to your blog again?! GRRRR. Anyhoo, thanks for swinging by and I hope you are feeling well! Not too much longer, Mama!!!!!!! Throw me an email when you have the chance xo
Congrats!!! So happy for you! I think we’re done, but my overwhelming excitement for you might be a sign that I need to get knocked up, too!!!! Wheee!
Seriously, what wonderful news! Congrats.
Also, you could have boy/girl twins and make both of your kids happy.
Nicole Leigh Shaw, you bite your tongue! TWINS! Gah! Thank you for your kind words; I’m sending the fertility gods your way 😉
CONGRATULATIONS! I’m looking forward to reading all about it!
Thanks so much, Sarah! After seeing your cutie pies, I’m thinking you should maybe entertain the idea of a third…
Are you coming to my house to hurt me?
HOLY AWESOME! Congratulations, Mama!
And congratulations to YOU, m’lady for your new book AND the big unveiling of That’s What She Said!!
Oh wow!! Congrats! If this new baby will be anywhere in the cuteness ballpark of your other two, you are one lucky lady! Here’s to an easy pregnancy. Can’t wait to hear more (and I already have the book, so I’m not entering to win).
Aww, thanks! Hopefully the new baby will be a *smidgen* less outspoken. Ahh, who am I kidding? I love that about my kids 😉
THANK YOU!
How awesome! Congrats to you & your family! 🙂
Thanks so much Amanda!
WOW!! Yay you!!
When I see your blog title, this is what it looks like in my URL bar- whencrazymeet sex haustion
isn’t that funny??
Apparently, crazy and exhausted have sex and make babies!! Did that make sense?
I’m happy for you and your kids look like they’re happy too. Sort of. Congrats!
Yeah, I get that URL thing a lot. Not the best marketing move. Or maybe the most brilliant marketing move? Meh. THANK YOU!!! xo
Congratulations! So happy for you!
Thanks so much, Heather! It’s great to see your face, er, snowman over here 😉
Congratulations to you and all the excitement you are about to encounter! I know you will make it hilarious for all of us. 😉
I hope so, Melissa! The saying “laugh or cry” comes to mind… 😉
This is fantastic news!!! I am so excited for you, and I loved your kids and their adorable announcement. Big hugs, mama, and can’t wait for you to keep us updated on your journey! xo
The kids were pretty excited to be filmed. I think we watched approximately one billion times 😉
THANK YOU, pal! Love that you’re so excited for me! xo
Congratulations! Now you’ll be crazier and more exhausted – blog fodder. I hope the next nine months blow by at the rate you prefer. Put your feet up and cook that baby!
Thank you! And yes, definite blog fodder!!!!!
Also, Jen at PIWTPITT is on my blog. I’m popping my collar over here, trust me on that.
Awesome!
🙂 🙂
Congratulations! Cutest video ever.
Thanks so much, Jessica! The kids thought they were pretty cute, too, which was evidenced by them requesting to watch it a zillion times…
YIPPEE!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!! I am SO excited for you Stephanie!!! XOXO Can’t WAIT to hear all about every tiny detail of your pregnancy… and I am SO glad you have had two smooth ones, as I hope the same for the third. You are one of “those” pregnant ladies I love to hate!! (Oh my, did I just jinx your third? I pray not!!)
You better not have jinxed me, woman!!!
Thank you, Chris! Heart you 🙂
Congrats! That’s so exciting! I’d love to win this book! I’ve heard so many great things about it!
Muchas gracias, Andrea! And you will LOVE the book. Even if you don’t win, you’ve got to get yourself a copy and then lock yourself in the bathroom to read it cover to cover. Paige is a funny, funny lady!
Congratulations! Five kids sounds wonderful. I have one, and I live vicariously through moms who have more. 😀 I’d also love to read the book.
WHOA, Patricia! Slow your roll, lady: 5 total people–2 parents + 3 kids!!! 😉 😉
Congratulations!!!!
Thanks so much, Kelly! And thank you for sending your FB pals with their baby glitter, too! xo
Congratulations!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Congratulations!! I love that you posted every single one of your tests haha
Was there really any other super classy way to share the news? 😉
Thank you!
Congrats! Love your writing – it made me laugh. 🙂
THANK YOU for the congrats, but more for loving my writing. Does that make me terrible? 😉
Friggin hilarious! Congrats!! Ill look forward to your future pregnancy blogs.
My goal is to not allow the pregnancy to consume me, otherwise you fine folks will be reading about my every craving (raisin-filled cookies) to my every gripe (can’t stop crying). See? I’m starting already… 😉
Yippee!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations, Mommy! At this point, you’re already a pro so there’s no doubt in my mind that pregnancy #3 will be a breeze. Easy for me to say, right? 😉 Really, so happy for you and the rest of the family! Best wishes and lots of love to you!!!
I’m sooooo trusting you on this, Christie 🙂
What a hilarious way to announce your news! Congrats! I especially love the irony of buying and sorting all the feminine hygeine products! Too funny!
Oh there was so much buying and so much sorting. That shit just ain’t fair 😉
THANK YOU, Darcy!
Awww congrats to you and the hubs Stephanie!!! No more lonely uterus yay!!!
p.s. Gloria Jean has de-caf Hazelnut k-cups. You’re Welcome 😀
You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me! How did you know I adore Gloria Jeans hazelnut K-cups?! ARE YOU A MIND READER? Oh, wait. I wrote about it once, huh? Anyway, you. are. fabulous.
Thanks much!! xo
Such awesome news!!! You will LOVE the world of three kids. When you’re not going crazy. Which won’t be often. 🙂
But, really, thrilled for you!!!! XO
How sweet are you to stop by and wish me well?! THANK YOU, Jill! Hope you and yours are well! xo
Congratulations!!
I’m so jealous that you had the balls (vagina, uterus, ovaries?) to bite the bullet and go for 3! We talked about it forEVER but could never get there. I’m so happy for you!
Love, love, love the picture of all the pregnancy tests. That would SO be me. It actually WAS me with my second. Also love how your daughter got teary over the sex of the baby. Hilarious.
Congrats again. Can’t wait to hear update on the pregnancy! xoxo
I think the balls and uterus were involved 😉
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! (P.S. if it’s not a girl, we’re in some deep shit with my daughter. She’s a firecracker that one…) 😉
Congratulations!!! I love this post!!! And, I love your video!! So happy for you!!
Thank you, Kathy!!!! I’m not quite at the “knock off the penis talk” phase yet, but I’ll be sure to blog about it when I do 😉
Congrats!
I can’t imagine. I’m so done, and mine are so old.
Yours can’t be “so old.” I see your perfect skin on Facebook–if you’re not 25, you best share your secret, like, NOW. 😉
Congratulations!!!!! That video is just too cute!!!
Thank you, Lisa! xo
Congratulations! The video is really cute.
I too am due in April.
CHRISTY!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! Let’s get together and drink green tea and talk about bloating! xo
I’m so happy for you! Congratulations!
Gracias, Kristi! xo
Congrats!! Having three kids is…. fun! Really! Great fun. Please stop reading my blog so that I leave here knowing you are convinced of that… 😉
All 4 Hens and a Rooster reading will cease. 😉
Can I please say congratulations again? Ok, I can’t help myself… Congratulations! I’m beyond beyond beyond excited for you. And THANK YOU again for the serious honor of mentioning my humble work with such a big announcement. You’re the bee’s knees, I tell ya.
You can say congratulations all you want, Paige Kellerman. I’m waiting for you to add to your brood 🙂 🙂 🙂
Heartiest congratulations!
Polly!!! Thank you 🙂
Congrats again! I’m SOOOOOO excited for you! And I cannot wait for all of the blog fodder it provides!!! xoxoxo
You know, we could be knocked up together. Just sayin’… 😉
Congratulations! I adore the video. My kids will probably be having the same argument when/if we have a 3rd! :0)
Thanks so much, Carrie! The kids definitely took me by surprise with that video! Can’t wait to see what else is in store 😉
Congratulations!! That video is priceless…as are the 76 pregnancy tests. ha.
I’m off to toast to your adorable (growing) family with a glass of wine!! And okay, okay, since you’re pregnant, I’ll have one for you, too.
xo
Michelle!!! Have some cold lunch meat and shellfish for me, too, okay? 😉
THANK YOU!
Hooray! Hooray! This is so fun! I know I only know you but don’t really KNOW you but I am still as excited as I would be if I KNEW you. Wait, what? Whatever… Hooray! This is such fun news and no one will bring out the hilarity of pregnancy like you. Ant wait to ride shot gun on your fun and wild ride!
Vicky
http://thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com/
🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks so much, Vicky! I can’t wait for the belly to grow so I can balance cereal bowls on it for my kids. I’m the coolest.
Huge congratulations! Your children are adorable, that video is so funny! I get the impression that if you left them to battle the girl/boy issue out without a time limit, your daughter would win and your son would end up in Accident and Emergency? xx
Bahahahahaha!!!!! I do believe your impression would be correct. She gave up easily in this video, but I think she was just biding her time 😉
Thanks so much, Mama! xo
Congratulations! That’s amazing news!
THANK YOU, doctor! xo
Congrats! Awesome news. I wish someone would tell me I’m going to be a grandma…after they get married, of course!
Throwing some Grandparent vibes into the universe for ya!
Yay yay yay yay yay! Congratulations! I can’t wait to hear all of your hilarious preggo tales. Start dishing mama!!!
Oh dish I will, don’t you worry! I have a tendency to Overshare… 😉
p.s. Your kids are so freaking ADORABLE!!!!!!
Well, shucks. Thank you! xo
I am so happy for you and thrilled you are one of those preggos who have a knack for it. It wasn’t my bag, but I loved the surprise at the end! Have a great pregnancy and I look forward to hearing more about your baby adventures.
“It wasn’t my bag!” Ahahahahaha! The surprise at the end does make it worth it, right? 😉 Thanks for reading and commenting, Stacey!
Congratulations! I love that video. Of course a boy always wants a boy and a girl wants a girl. I recall that happening in my family whenever my mom had a new baby (I’m one of 8).
I’ve got 3 and life is crazy and chaotic, but I love it. And just for the record, I’m done having kids. I hated being pregnant and all the trials that came with it. Wish all you want, but it ain’t happening to me any more. 🙂
EIGHT KIDS! God bless your mom’s lady bits! Thanks for reading and for commenting, Mama. Much luck with your crazy chaos. I have a feeling I’m in for much of the same 🙂
That video is effing precious! How great will it be to show it to them when they’re older, and to show the newest blessing too! Love love love it and love that you’re having another baby! I know you’ve been wanting one for some time now! Congratulations! Take care of yourself and enjoy. I was one of the weirdos too that really enjoyed being pregnant. 🙂
Thank you so much, L!!!!!!! 😉
Well, congratulations! How delightful. I must say as a grandmother I would be happy to ome over and rock and coo to your baby to give you some quiet time. My grandkids are 10,8, and 5. I miss the cuddling and caring.
Sandra, you are welcome any time!! Especially around 2am 😉
I’m so incredibly super late, but CONGRATS! That is so awesome. Can’t wait to hear more baby news. I’ve been living vicariously through my preggo friends lately 😉
Hey, there’s always room for more, right Mama?! 😉
THANK YOU!