Oversharing: I Peed My Pants At Wal-Mart and Other Tales of Mommy Incontinence

“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

–Old Farm Lady on Billy Madison

I heart Sarah because she regularly Overshares on her blog The Sadder But Wiser Girl, which is where today’s post was first published. Sarah’s inability to control her bladder and her willingness to then write about it make her tops in my book. Here for your amusement, please welcome:

OversharingPresents.SadderButWiserGirl

 

We’re avoiding Target as much as possible these days because it’s just too darn fun.  Target just goes from 0 to $100 in no time flat.  It’s those dang end aisles, the clearance, and stuff that is just really cool!  Any list you bring in there somehow disintegrates or gets extra items added to it.  Therefore we’re forced to go to my least my favorite place in the world, Wal-Mart.  On the list today is the biggest bag of dog food for the smallest price and pasta that helps us poop. Sounds like a fun trip, doesn’t it?

Upon inspection of the dog food prices, it looked like the 50 pound bag of Ol’Roy was going to be the best deal.  Less than $20 for 50 pounds of dog food?  That’s, um, less than 50 cents a pound (don’t ask me to break it down more than that).  We’re used to buying the 17 pound bags of Puppy Chow with a coupon.  But this is MUCH cheaper.  I don’t know why we even bother, the dog would rather eat trash or steal our food than actually eat dog food.  I sat and watched him eat a stick today.  Really?

Of course now that I have made the decision that yes indeedy this is what we are going to buy, I realize that it may be difficult to get it into the cart.  How do other people buy that stuff anyway?  Do you go find someone and ask for them to haul it up front?  Oh wait, that’s Target.  Repeat after me, Target is BAD.  It has the hypnotic eye.

I study the bag carefully.  It’s only 50 pounds.  I’m not a professional weightlifter, I just say it like that because I have kids that weigh not much less than that who still insist on being carried.  But this bag is just so, BIG.  I figure I can probably slide it onto the bottom part of the cart.  I pulled on the bag, it slid towards me pretty easily.  I grabbed hold of it with all of my might and pulled it off the top of the pile.

And as the bag came off and into my waiting arms, I peed my pants.  That’s right, I dribbled right into my own undies.  I was now at Wal-Mart with a wet crotch, staggering around with a bag of dog food that weighed more than my seven year old son.  I really hope the “People of Wal-Mart” cam didn’t happen to be following me right at that moment.  If so, I can assure you that I am wearing adequate clothing and no children were buried under things in my cart.

I admit it, I’ve dribbled in more places than a leaky garden hose.  Thanks kids.

Ah the joys of motherhood.  It’s amazing how a body that can hold another human being inside of it can’t contain it’s own pee.  It’s not a new problem for me, I’ve had it since I gave birth to my son.  It’s not like I just pee my pants randomly though, there’s always some sort of force involved.

Have you ever walked down a hallway, stopped and crossed your legs because you knew a sneeze was coming?  I call it the “Antipee Maneuver”, because when you have those issues you have to make some adjustments to anything that involves moving around and muscle contractions.  Take the gym.  I used to go to exercise classes religiously at 5:30 in the morning two or three days a week (yeah I don’t know how I ever did that either).  It was ok except for anything that involved jumping.  I am unable to do jumping jacks without wetting myself.  So I do a sort of half  jack where I don’t actually spread my legs.  It’s more like just jumping while I wave my hands in the air. I also can’t jump rope.  When we would do jump roping, I would have to do it one leg at a time.  Fortunately no one else caught on that I was struggling.

It doesn’t stop there.  My husband knows darn well that he can make me pee my pants.  He knows because he’s seen me do it.  He’s been known to pick me up and shake me, tickle me, or sneak up and scare me, all with the same result-a little bit of tinkle in the nether regions.  This evening he thought it would be EXTREMELY funny to sit on me and tickle me.  I warned him about the consequences of said tickling-in other words I shrieked, “I HAVE ALREADY PEED MY PANTS ONCE TODAY, DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN!!!!”  He quit, but more because I wasn’t being any fun than it was from my threatening voice.

At thirty eight years old, I know by now that it pays to be prepared for most situations.  But since I am ADD, I tend to NOT be prepared unless it’s that time of the month.  I just forget until it’s too late.  I’ve been known to have to buy new underwear when out and about for the day.  I’ve also been known to go home and change my pants and come back.  You’d think I’d learn to have either pantiliners or emergency underwear handy, much like I have extra underwear for my kids just in case.  Nope.

Hey I bet you’re wondering what happened to the bag of dog food.  Oh I got in on the cart.  I had to pretty much lay on the floor of the aisle and shove the bag on to the little part underneath the cart.  I also managed to somehow get it out of the cart and into my trunk.  It’s still in my trunk.  My husband can bring it in, because I bet he won’t pee his pants doing it.  Guys have it so easy.

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Sarah Almond is the mom of two kids and the wife of one evil genius.  She roams the earth in search of dark chocolate and caffeinated beverages, but can also be found tap tap tapping at her keyboard writing the wildly unpopular blog The Sadder But Wiser Girl. Read all about her adventures in motherhood and ADD on her blog
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 * Sarah first shared this tale with us on May 27, 2013 and it remains among the most popular Oversharing posts! *




Comments

  1. Ha ha ha! Ah, childbirth…the gift that keeps on giving long after the eviction papers have been served. I wish I didn’t empathize with this post, but I too live with the joys of urine-tinged undies. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. So thanks for the laugh (and thankfully, no undies were soaked in the course of giggling at this post)!
    Sara recently posted…Cheaper than therapyMy Profile

  2. Glad I found your site going to follow a few ways now! I love this post because it is so true!!! I do that pee hold stance all the time and have had wet crotch often…thank God for granny panties!
    karen recently posted…In the Name of FreedomMy Profile

  3. Hysterical! I miss Target (no Target here only Walmart). I wish I had the opportunity to pee my pants in Target! There I said it. ;-)
    littlemisswordy recently posted…Soldiers Of The Same NameMy Profile

  4. This post made me feel so much better!!! I don’t feel like a lone wolf peer anymore. I’ve literally started wearing protection when I know I’m going to be physically active. It’s annoying and darn right embarrassing to say the least.
    Crystal Green recently posted…Pennington Smart Feed Sprayer System in ReviewMy Profile

  5. When I was a kid, I had kidney issues (lots of hospital stays) and ran into trouble all the time. Mom NEVER packed extra clothes and always yelled at me for having accidents. I can completely relate to this. And it brought back a lot of not very happy memories. But at least I laughed at this and DIDN’T pee myself. ;)
    Terrye recently posted…How to Land Your Dream Job in a Bad EconomyMy Profile

  6. Oh lordy, I actually hadn’t read this the first time. So funny. After 1 child I was able to get my bladder under control but during pregnancy… now THAT is a story for another time. Thank you, bowling ball in my abdomen. :)
    Deb @ Urban Moo Cow recently posted…The Problem With SleepingMy Profile

  7. Ah, the good ole Antipee Maneouver – I’ve employed it often. Heaven help me if I don’t ‘feel’ the sneeze or cough coming on – I sometimes think I need to wear a “warning: potential for flash flooding” sign around my neck! I work out regularly, and sometimes I work so hard the sweat runs down my leg. Ok, not just sometimes. All the time. It’s awesome. I’m a Pee-er and I’m Proud!

    Cheers to dry pants :)
    Cheryl T recently posted…Reality CheckMy Profile

  8. Haha! Sarah, you are so awesomely funny. I love it. I mean, I don’t love that your poor struggling to heft a ginormously heavy bag of dog food into a cart made you pee, but I love that you just made me feel a little better about, well, life and the crazy crap that happens to our bodies after pushing our kiddos out into the world. Happy long weekend (boo to it being almost over).
    Kristi Campbell recently posted…ForgivenessMy Profile

  9. I used to have random moments when I’d lose total bladder control…FOR NO REASON. The senior years are not going to be pleasant.
    Julie Chenell DeNeen recently posted…The Weight Watcher Plan – Julie DeNeen StyleMy Profile

  10. What a great story!!! I actually don’t know what’s funnier, the visual of you lugging the 50 pound bag of dog food onto the cart and off of the cart and into your car, or the dripping urine in your undies!!! I think the Dog food part, because clearly- all moms find the peeing just a normal day in the life! ;) Great to see you here!!!
    Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diaries: “Jesus Wept” (John 11:35)My Profile

  11. Sarah is always so funny but this one had me in stitches!! You see what she is doing here, right? It’s called revenge–she’s making us all laugh hard enough to pee in our OWN pants!
    Menopausalmother recently posted…Fly On The Wall In Wonky TownMy Profile

  12. Laughing, loving, tweeting

  13. I love this brilliant combo of Sadder but Wiser and Crazy Meets Exhaustion! A match made in heaven! It took me awhile to stop laughing about “pasta that makes us poop” to get to the heart of the story… which was of course hilarious and painful all at once. And high-five to you for getting that bag of dog food to the car. Way to persevere… you are so funny, my friend, what a great post!
    Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted…To Swear Or Not To Swear- Why Are People Uncomfortable With Profanity?My Profile

  14. Sarah, you have an uncanny knack of making me laugh at your pain! I am so sorry, but it’s just too good!

  15. It happens to me all the damn time! It’s like I need an adult diaper bag. And allergy season? Holy shit, each sneeze brings the tides through my instinctively crossed legs. I blame this on my first born, 10lb 4oz !
    One Classy Motha recently posted…Our Weekend through crappy picsMy Profile

  16. Hilarious. So glad you overshared.
    Jill recently posted…When the Smart Path is the Wrong WayMy Profile

  17. This one’s classic!
    Amy recently posted…Don’t Litter, Asshole: A Public Service AnnouncementMy Profile

  18. LOL! I remember reading this one, but I read it again because it’s super hilarious!
    Roshni recently posted…The deepest, darkest parental fearMy Profile

  19. This is one of my favorite posts of yours! LOVED IT! I’m picturing you peeing your pants in various scenarios. You should take my grandma’s advice and always keep a clean pair of underwear in the glove box for situations just like this.

    And look at it this way, at least you didn’t lose your keys. :-)
    Lisa Newlin recently posted…A letter to the trucker who tried to hit on me todayMy Profile

  20. I remember the first time I peed my pants and it was due to impending motherhood. I’ve been a peein’ for 4 years now. I never manage to make it as funny as you did though.
    Jean Heff recently posted…Justified Melodramatic GratitudeMy Profile

  21. I absolutely LOVE the “Antipee Maneuver” So funny because I do that! All the time!

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