“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
–Old Farm Lady on Billy Madison
I heart Sarah because she regularly Overshares on her blog The Sadder But Wiser Girl, which is where today’s post was first published. Sarah’s inability to control her bladder and her willingness to then write about it make her tops in my book. Here for your amusement, please welcome:
We’re avoiding Target as much as possible these days because it’s just too darn fun. Target just goes from 0 to $100 in no time flat. It’s those dang end aisles, the clearance, and stuff that is just really cool! Any list you bring in there somehow disintegrates or gets extra items added to it. Therefore we’re forced to go to my least my favorite place in the world, Wal-Mart. On the list today is the biggest bag of dog food for the smallest price and pasta that helps us poop. Sounds like a fun trip, doesn’t it?
Upon inspection of the dog food prices, it looked like the 50 pound bag of Ol’Roy was going to be the best deal. Less than $20 for 50 pounds of dog food? That’s, um, less than 50 cents a pound (don’t ask me to break it down more than that). We’re used to buying the 17 pound bags of Puppy Chow with a coupon. But this is MUCH cheaper. I don’t know why we even bother, the dog would rather eat trash or steal our food than actually eat dog food. I sat and watched him eat a stick today. Really?
Of course now that I have made the decision that yes indeedy this is what we are going to buy, I realize that it may be difficult to get it into the cart. How do other people buy that stuff anyway? Do you go find someone and ask for them to haul it up front? Oh wait, that’s Target. Repeat after me, Target is BAD. It has the hypnotic eye.
I study the bag carefully. It’s only 50 pounds. I’m not a professional weightlifter, I just say it like that because I have kids that weigh not much less than that who still insist on being carried. But this bag is just so, BIG. I figure I can probably slide it onto the bottom part of the cart. I pulled on the bag, it slid towards me pretty easily. I grabbed hold of it with all of my might and pulled it off the top of the pile.
And as the bag came off and into my waiting arms, I peed my pants. That’s right, I dribbled right into my own undies. I was now at Wal-Mart with a wet crotch, staggering around with a bag of dog food that weighed more than my seven year old son. I really hope the “People of Wal-Mart” cam didn’t happen to be following me right at that moment. If so, I can assure you that I am wearing adequate clothing and no children were buried under things in my cart.
I admit it, I’ve dribbled in more places than a leaky garden hose. Thanks kids.
Ah the joys of motherhood. It’s amazing how a body that can hold another human being inside of it can’t contain it’s own pee. It’s not a new problem for me, I’ve had it since I gave birth to my son. It’s not like I just pee my pants randomly though, there’s always some sort of force involved.
Have you ever walked down a hallway, stopped and crossed your legs because you knew a sneeze was coming? I call it the “Antipee Maneuver”, because when you have those issues you have to make some adjustments to anything that involves moving around and muscle contractions. Take the gym. I used to go to exercise classes religiously at 5:30 in the morning two or three days a week (yeah I don’t know how I ever did that either). It was ok except for anything that involved jumping. I am unable to do jumping jacks without wetting myself. So I do a sort of half jack where I don’t actually spread my legs. It’s more like just jumping while I wave my hands in the air. I also can’t jump rope. When we would do jump roping, I would have to do it one leg at a time. Fortunately no one else caught on that I was struggling.
It doesn’t stop there. My husband knows darn well that he can make me pee my pants. He knows because he’s seen me do it. He’s been known to pick me up and shake me, tickle me, or sneak up and scare me, all with the same result-a little bit of tinkle in the nether regions. This evening he thought it would be EXTREMELY funny to sit on me and tickle me. I warned him about the consequences of said tickling-in other words I shrieked, “I HAVE ALREADY PEED MY PANTS ONCE TODAY, DON’T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN!!!!” He quit, but more because I wasn’t being any fun than it was from my threatening voice.
At thirty eight years old, I know by now that it pays to be prepared for most situations. But since I am ADD, I tend to NOT be prepared unless it’s that time of the month. I just forget until it’s too late. I’ve been known to have to buy new underwear when out and about for the day. I’ve also been known to go home and change my pants and come back. You’d think I’d learn to have either pantiliners or emergency underwear handy, much like I have extra underwear for my kids just in case. Nope.
Hey I bet you’re wondering what happened to the bag of dog food. Oh I got in on the cart. I had to pretty much lay on the floor of the aisle and shove the bag on to the little part underneath the cart. I also managed to somehow get it out of the cart and into my trunk. It’s still in my trunk. My husband can bring it in, because I bet he won’t pee his pants doing it. Guys have it so easy.
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* Sarah first shared this tale with us on May 27, 2013 and it remains among the most popular Oversharing posts! *
Ha ha ha! Ah, childbirth…the gift that keeps on giving long after the eviction papers have been served. I wish I didn’t empathize with this post, but I too live with the joys of urine-tinged undies. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. So thanks for the laugh (and thankfully, no undies were soaked in the course of giggling at this post)!
I’m glad you didn’t pee your pants laughing at my post!
Glad I found your site going to follow a few ways now! I love this post because it is so true!!! I do that pee hold stance all the time and have had wet crotch often…thank God for granny panties!
I keep saying we need a club, but what would it be called? Hmmm… Time for some more fun acronyms!
Hysterical! I miss Target (no Target here only Walmart). I wish I had the opportunity to pee my pants in Target! There I said it. 😉
I haven’t done that at Target…yet…
This post made me feel so much better!!! I don’t feel like a lone wolf peer anymore. I’ve literally started wearing protection when I know I’m going to be physically active. It’s annoying and darn right embarrassing to say the least.
A lone wolf pee-er! That’s right, you’re not alone. But on the other hand, probably not a good thing we run in packs either. That could give a whole new meaning to “Clean-up on Aisle 3”!
When I was a kid, I had kidney issues (lots of hospital stays) and ran into trouble all the time. Mom NEVER packed extra clothes and always yelled at me for having accidents. I can completely relate to this. And it brought back a lot of not very happy memories. But at least I laughed at this and DIDN’T pee myself. 😉
So you didn’t do a LSHIPMP-Laughed So Hard I Peed My Pants, or LAPAL-Laughed and Peed A Little…
Oh lordy, I actually hadn’t read this the first time. So funny. After 1 child I was able to get my bladder under control but during pregnancy… now THAT is a story for another time. Thank you, bowling ball in my abdomen. 🙂
Once I had my first kid, it was all over. Good-bye dry underwear, hello incontinence!
Ah, the good ole Antipee Maneouver – I’ve employed it often. Heaven help me if I don’t ‘feel’ the sneeze or cough coming on – I sometimes think I need to wear a “warning: potential for flash flooding” sign around my neck! I work out regularly, and sometimes I work so hard the sweat runs down my leg. Ok, not just sometimes. All the time. It’s awesome. I’m a Pee-er and I’m Proud!
Cheers to dry pants 🙂
I remember one time when I was still working at the elementary school. I was walking down the hall and felt like I was going to sneeze, so I engaged the antipee maneuver. My coworkers about died-“OH MY GOD you do it too!” I most certainly felt accepted that day!
Haha! Sarah, you are so awesomely funny. I love it. I mean, I don’t love that your poor struggling to heft a ginormously heavy bag of dog food into a cart made you pee, but I love that you just made me feel a little better about, well, life and the crazy crap that happens to our bodies after pushing our kiddos out into the world. Happy long weekend (boo to it being almost over).
Our bodies are bitches sometimes, aren’t they?
I used to have random moments when I’d lose total bladder control…FOR NO REASON. The senior years are not going to be pleasant.
Random incontinence, yikes! Do I see a future oversharing post Ms DeNeen?
Perhaps we should just buy stock in Poise pads now!
What a great story!!! I actually don’t know what’s funnier, the visual of you lugging the 50 pound bag of dog food onto the cart and off of the cart and into your car, or the dripping urine in your undies!!! I think the Dog food part, because clearly- all moms find the peeing just a normal day in the life! 😉 Great to see you here!!!
The last time I bought the dog food, I actually got it in the cart, no peeing involved. I was very proud of myself!
Sarah is always so funny but this one had me in stitches!! You see what she is doing here, right? It’s called revenge–she’s making us all laugh hard enough to pee in our OWN pants!
Curses, FOILED AGAIN! You saw right through my evil plan!
Laughing, loving, tweeting
Thanking.
I love this brilliant combo of Sadder but Wiser and Crazy Meets Exhaustion! A match made in heaven! It took me awhile to stop laughing about “pasta that makes us poop” to get to the heart of the story… which was of course hilarious and painful all at once. And high-five to you for getting that bag of dog food to the car. Way to persevere… you are so funny, my friend, what a great post!
Thank you Stephanie. I’m certainly not feeling very funny these days, so it’s good to know I was entertaining for awhile!
Sarah, you have an uncanny knack of making me laugh at your pain! I am so sorry, but it’s just too good!
Right now I’m crying at my own pain, but that’s a totally different story.
It happens to me all the damn time! It’s like I need an adult diaper bag. And allergy season? Holy shit, each sneeze brings the tides through my instinctively crossed legs. I blame this on my first born, 10lb 4oz !
Right now every time I sneeze instead of peeing I feel like I pull a muscle in my brain. My husband really needs to stop laughing at me when I do that!
Hilarious. So glad you overshared.
I saw she was going to do a series of Oversharing and thought “There’s something just for me!” HA HA!
This one’s classic!
LOL! I remember reading this one, but I read it again because it’s super hilarious!
I’m glad you enjoyed it twice!
This is one of my favorite posts of yours! LOVED IT! I’m picturing you peeing your pants in various scenarios. You should take my grandma’s advice and always keep a clean pair of underwear in the glove box for situations just like this.
And look at it this way, at least you didn’t lose your keys. 🙂
I remember the first time I peed my pants and it was due to impending motherhood. I’ve been a peein’ for 4 years now. I never manage to make it as funny as you did though.
I absolutely LOVE the “Antipee Maneuver” So funny because I do that! All the time!
What’s up, I read your tarot new stuff on a regular basis.
Your humoristic style is witty, keep it up!