The 5-year-old is arguing because he is right and I am wrong.
The 3-year-old is whining because something, anything, didn’t go her way.
The baby is screaming because she no longer fits in my uterus.
The dogs are so sick of the noise that they hide upstairs, not even emerging to bark at the mail truck.
Today the shit is officially hitting the fan.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
I didn’t work-out this morning, which means I didn’t get my regularly scheduled hour of ME time before the kids woke up. During baseball season, it’s the only me time I get Monday – Friday, and I gave it up for a few extra minutes of sleep. Turns out, I’m an idiot.
The breakfast I make isn’t served quickly enough.
I forget the napkins.
I don’t realize the milk expired two days ago until I’ve fill cups to the brim.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
As I accomplish daily tasks–brush teeth, get dressed, change the baby–I wonder if I have the energy to do them even for one more second. I’m aware of someone calling me from the kitchen, yet again ignoring my constant reminder to not yell from room to room, so I choose to ignore him. I think about leaving. Running away! How long would it be until they noticed? Where would I even go? I don’t leave, of course, but today would be a great day to pack a suitcase and disappear.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
I’m not a terrible mother; in fact, on most days, I’m pretty good at this parenting thing. My daughter always tells me how much she loves me, and she is nothing if not honest. But today, right this very minute, I suck. I want everyone to shut their face hole, stop touching me, and leave me in absolute silence.
No, I do not want to watch the 34th slow-motion replay of your pretend hockey goal.
Please stop asking me for things. ALL THE THINGS.
Hey, isn’t it about time you held your own bottle?
The walls of our house are closing in on me and my chest feels tight. I can’t even go to the bathroom without the “MUMMY I LUUUUVE YOU” one following. I’m not just saying that because that’s what we parents say: I can’t even pee without an audience! I legit tried to get some privacy to handle my business and explicitly told my three-year-old to stay out of the bathroom; she, too, blatantly ignored me. Now someone has to explain menstruation to her because I’m all tapped out today, folks.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
I love my husband, but he doesn’t get it; therefore, he is on their team. I am alone, an island of insanity hoping for everything surrounding me to be still and quiet and agreeable. My husband is better than 90% of other husbands I know, which means I’ve got it good, yet today, I want to beat him with the accent pillows on our couch because he doesn’t have to concern himself with things like consciously positioning the diaper bag in the backseat of the car just so to easily access the baby’s toy, the toddler’s snack, or whatever else a child will need the minute we’re on the highway. He doesn’t have to think about, anticipate, the boy’s next move: will he hit his sister with that plastic baseball bat, or show restraint and save me the lecture? The mental grind of parenting is destroying me.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
Part of me feels like a disgraceful ingrate for even thinking these things; it’s not just my husband that’s good–life is good! I have friends who have lost their children to accidents, cancer or whatever. It doesn’t matter to what; they don’t have their babies any more and there is nothing worse in this world. Yet another part of me is like this is honesty, and it’s OK to admit that today sucks because my 3-year-old is tap fucking dancing in plastic Snow White heels three inches from my face and I want to burn down the house.
Today I am drowning in parenthood.
Nothing in particular and everything all at once has done me in today. Though I did find twenty bucks in an old hoodie, and neither dog peed in the house even though it was raining and they’re divas who don’t “do” rain, so silver linings? Also, my request for the husband to handle bedtime solo was granted, and with no eye-rolling or complaint, and that’s pretty fantastic. With the noise on a different level of the house and someone else in charge of corralling it, my shoulders are finally starting to melt back into their resting position, and I’ve exhaled for the first time in 14 hours. I turn off my brain. I’m pretty positive that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll feel 100% better and be ready to, as my friend Meredith says, go get my day. That’s just how parenting is sometimes: it takes us to the brink of absolute lunacy, only to throw its arms around our neck with such sweet, reckless abandon that the ledge we were standing on just a minute before suddenly doesn’t seem as narrow, the fall to the bottom not nearly as steep. Don’t get me wrong, the bottom is still there, but thankfully the urge to jump has subsided. For now.
You are truly inspiring, you’re not afraid to express how you feel, and I admire you for that. Being a parent sure is hard work specially on days like these, but it does get better, always. I’m sure tomorrow would be better. Thank you for sharing this! 🙂
I appreciate your kindness, Camille, thank you!
Cabin Fever. Cold/Rainy week. Tension mounting like a volcano about to erupt. Once we get that blue sky and sunshine in the coming days, things will get better!
I agree—the warmer outside-worthy weather will help for sure.
This is my kind of honest. Nitty gritty, down and dirty, truth telling, real deal. Some days suck. That’s for sure!!
You know how I pour over every word? This post wrote itself in, like, 20 minutes. Talk about nitty gritty! Thanks for reading AND sharing, pal xo
Thankfully I am now past that stage and in the thick of parenting teens. Believe it or not I sometimes long for that kind of craziness again. At least I knew where they were and who they were with! I’d like to say that it gets better, and many things do, but more like it gets different. And I still don’t get sleep! At least I get the joy of waking them at the crack of dawn on a holiday! Revenge is sweet!
I agree with with you: it’s a different kind of worry and chaos! Oh I can’t wait to wake them by poking them repeatedly on the forehead!
I have been drowning in parenthood for the last week or so. Being a single mom with my issues with patience is always a challenge, but lately it is just too much. So glad to hear I’m not alone.
Single Moms rock my socks off, Wendy. Hang in there xo
Mommy Rehab, here we come! See ya there, hugs 🙂
Oh, pal. I’m throwing you a life preserver. It’s cartoons on repeat and a huge box of Cheerios to be served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Steph, more moms need to read this and know that these feelings are normal sometimes. No other career makes the same demands on your body, your time, or your sanity. And there’s no real training manual or job description. But everything you do for your family is done with their best interest in mind. You are entitled to a down day every now and again and you should never feel bad about asking for help when you need it. As one of those moms who has lost a child, I can tell you that I cherish my Mason even more. Doesn’t mean there aren’t days when I’d like to throttle him (he’s almost 16 yo!) or hop a plane to California. That’s just the way it is sometimes. And I agree with you – sorry not sorry!