A contributor to the New York Times Bestseller, I Just Want to Pee Alone, is here to share her funny. She also happens to be one of my favorite writers and people: Amy’s blog, Funny is Family, will make you laugh, cry, and then eat. No, really; she feeds my family every Thursday with her Crock Pot Thursday Recipes. See why I dig Amy? I also applaud her open-door policy whilst making a number two…
My brother-in-law is everyone’s favorite. Babies adore him, he never gets involved in family squabbles, and he’s hilarious. He’s my husband’s little brother and he does things like draw birthday cards for his niece and nephew that they carry around until their next birthdays. He laughs at my jokes (which is an outstanding personality trait) and plays with my kids. My college friends still ask about him, and moms love him. The only time he gets mad is when someone has wronged a person he cares about. Then he can be a real asshole. That just makes the rest of us love him more.
But the reason I love him most is because he doesn’t talk about that one time.For a few years, my oldest friend was living in the same town as my in-laws. We were in town for Christmas, and my husband, his brother, and I popped in to see this friend at her apartment. This was before my husband was my husband, and my friend and my brother-in-law had met a few times. We planned on having a few beers and some laughs.
It was a cute little place, and we were having a nice time. Some people are just easy and fun, and this tiny apartment was crammed full of four of those folks. I was a happy girl, until my tummy started to rumble. It was churning in that “it’s not super urgent, but you’re gonna need the bathroom soon” sort of way. Since my friend only had one bathroom, and it was damn near in the living room, I decided to wait till we got back to the safety of my in-laws’ three bathroom house.
As it usually is in those one bathroom situations, my gut had a different idea than my brain. It became clear that there was absolutely no way I was making another hour, and I started doing some reasoning in my head. Taking care of business around my friend was no big deal. She already knew how disgusting I was. My brother-in-law was another story. I mean, he was cool and welcoming, but maybe he was one of those guys who didn’t think girls pooped? This was stupid of me, as he has two sisters, and is definitely aware of how we girls can annihilate a bathroom.
I made my way to the bathroom, and that’s when the severity of the situation hit me. The bathroom door was propped against the hallway. It was broken, and completely unattached to the door frame. My friend laughed and gave a halfhearted apology. That bitch didn’t even feel bad that this was going to be a group poop. No door to muffle the sound or the smell. I had no choice. What was this? A frat house? I know that some of you fellas are used to stalls with no doors, but us girls are accustomed a modicum of privacy.
They tried to ignore me, but the conversation kept faltering, and bursts of laughter hit me, much in the same way that the odor must have been hitting them. This was before we had smartphones to entertain us while dropping a deuce, so all I could do was sit there and listen to the people I love laugh at me and my rotten ass. I yelled at them to shut up, but that only made them laugh harder. They finally went outside to give me some privacy, but the damage had been done.
I reemerged, sheepishly, and everyone acted cool, but no one looked me in the eye. I was ready to go. It smelled inside, and I was exhausted.
Attention single ladies: My brother-in-law is still up for grabs, and if I haven’t made it perfectly clear, he’ll put up with your shit.
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There should be a link to his Match.com or Lavalife profile at the end of this post. 🙂
There really should be!
This is definitely cute. I HATE having a bathroom door shut on me when I’m in it after being locked in a bathroom at wedding when I was a small child.
My husband must have picked up the habit with me because he no longer shuts the door completely either. In turn, our smells go throughout the house and it becomes a source great laughter anytime someone does number two in our home. We all respect each others’ privacy, but some things can’t help but spread out of the room. So, there is lots of laughter, racing for the air fresheners, candles and lighters for the person in the bathroom, and so much more.
I won’t even go into the gas bomb stories we have.
Now that I have kids, the bathroom door is always open around here, too. That’s how you know you know you’re a family, right? 🙂
Two of my favorite bloggers coming together for oversharing? Priceless…
This sounds like a dream I had once, or rather a nightmare! Thanks for oversharing with all the world Amy!
If we ever meet in real life, I’ll try my hardest to manage my bodily functions if you will!
This is some funny Sh!t. 🙂
I see what you did there.
Oh. My. Word. I needed this laugh today…*flatline* I lost it at “That bitch didn’t even feel bad that this was going to be a group poop” and then I had to get up from my desk and take a walk lest I disturb my entire office with my belly busting laughs at “It smelled inside, and I was exhausted.”
Thank you! I love a good poop story, and I’m thrilled that you do, too!
Oh my gosh, I had something so similar happen once!! I feel your pain!
Do you feel a deep connection with your poop buddies, too?
Oh, how I feel for ya. Pooping with the door open? In front of a potential husband and his brother??? No wonder you were exhausted. I was exhausted just reading and laughing!!
I know, right?! I have to wonder if that situation would still embarrass me, some 12 years later? Probably.
Laughing AT (and Sympathizing WITH) you on that story, Amy!
Embarrassing AND Hilarious — my favorite type of story!
(Thanks for sharing her experience on your blog, Stephanie!)
Thank YOU for reading, Darcy!!!! Come on back now, ya hear? 😉
Embarrassing and hilarious stories are MY favorite, too! Thanks, Darcy!
Oh my GOSH!!! I pictured every stinkiin’ minute of this!! You POOR thing!! How totally humilating and hilarious at the same time!! I would have gotten in my car and drove down to the next restroom sign available…
That is some nasty oversharing… 😉 Wait. I smell something. Did you flush?
I’ve done that before! Wayyy back when my husband and I first started dating, I would “run to the store” if the bathroom situation wasn’t to my liking. I’m so lazy, that didn’t last long.
I’m sure I flushed. Let me check…yep. Twice!
OMG…I can’t imagine…I’d be mortified….but then again I got violently sick one day and had no choice but to poop my pants in my car. It was horrible and I never want to experience that again. Hubby was at home waiting for me and helped me and has never mentioned it again, though I am sure it scared him for life. LOL
I feel your pain, Karen. I now keep plastic bags in the car just in case…….
Oh my, that’s awful! Thankfully, my future husband didn’t have to assist. He would if he had to, but he wouldn’t like it. Unlike your gentleman of a husband, mine would tease me about something like that whenever he could!
Aaah Steph- your bad times are still my good times. I swear this is one of my nightmares- thank you for having it instead of me.
Fortunately, it wasn’t me 🙂 This is one of the Oversharing stories where I beg and plead and stalk other bloggers to embarrass themselves on my blog all in the name of entertainment. This lovely lady is Amy from Funny is Family. Check her blog out–she’s fab!
Even within the safety of my favorite people, it was still embarrassing. I’m glad I could take one for the team!
That is a brilliant Oversharing story! I remember being very self-conscious pooping in my friends’ one-room apartment in college. It was protocol to light the “sh*t” candle in their bathroom after using it, and when I tried to light it, the match burned my finger and I dropped it. Into the tissue-filled trash. I then beat out the smoldering trashcan with my hands. What an idiot. Even more embarrassing than the #2 smell…. Great post, Amy and Steph!
Maybe this can be your second Oversharing story, Steph?!!! 😉 🙂
Hilarious! Your brother-in-law sounds like a catch, seriously.
Oh, Amy! Maybe they had a hand trowel and you could have dug a hole out back to cop a squat? lol That is just horrific. 🙂