Recently, I’ve been ignoring the love of my life (HGTV) in order to devour The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting. Between fits of giggles and poking my sleeping husband in the forehead to read him hilarious excerpts, I barely have time to put away the folded laundry that has been waiting patiently in baskets for the past twelve days.
Despite my affinity for The Honest Toddler, I have noticed a gaping discrepancy between her manual and reality:
The toddler believes the Grandparent, not cleanliness, is next to godliness.
Look, my kids love their grandparents just as much as the next little ankle-biter, and rightfully so. Their grandparents are good people; they spoil the kids, they support mine and my husband’s parenting decisions, and they’re always there when we need them. Does it get any better than that?!
Thing is, though, some grandparents…suck.
Wait! Don’t go!
Preschool drop-off, spring picnics, and countless birthday parties have thrown me in the ring with a plethora of parents this year, and I’ve heard some Grandparent horror stories that would elicit quite the “loud response” from The Honest Toddler’s red-drink-stained face.
Those of you who are all gasping, Stephanie! Have you no limits?! How dare you throw Grandparents under the bus?!, be about your business.
Those of you who are quietly nodding in agreement or who are resisting the urge to slow-clap, this is for you. It’s about to get interactive up in here.
Is there a Grandparent in your life who is less than grand? Does Grammy or Pappy need a reality-check? Are you a Grandparent yourself, presently preparing to leave a judgmental comment after this post? Excellent! Let’s take a quiz to see how bad you are failing!
1. It’s your grandchild’s first birthday, Grandma! You are:
a. on your previously scheduled cruise. What?! Tickets were non-refundable.
b. holding the birthday child on your lap, smiling for pictures as though you’re working the red carpet.
c. puffing out your chest like a proud rooster for having purchased the most expensive gift at the party.
2. Your grandson’s mother is disciplining him for trying to ride the dog (again). You:
a. hurry into the next room lest your assistance be requested.
b. get in between mother and child and feed the boy raspberries straight from the carton until he is placated.
c. buy the dog a saddle and your grandson a helmet. Problem solved.
3. You’ve taken your granddaughter to the park to find the sliding board bully is there. When the bully starts cutting in front of your precious girl, you:
a. the park?! You don’t do the park. You have been confused with some sucker of a grandparent.
b. run to the rescue, gingerly elbowing the bully as you pass, and go down the slide with your granddaughter on your lap 37 times.
c. rent out the park for your grandbaby. If the bully won’t share, neither will you.
4. It’s been a few weeks since you’ve last seen your grandchildren. You’re feeling:
a. rested. They’re cute but exhausting!
b. concerned and weepy. How are they functioning without you?!
c. just fine. This is why you bought iPads in bulk. Facetime, anyone?
5. The grandkids’ parents are at their wit’s end. They could really use a break. You:
a. pfffft. You survived; they will, too.
b. rush to their aid with a home-cooked meal, Prozac, and a free-for-a-year Netflix subscription.
c. hire a nanny to help.
***************************
If you answered…
Mostly A’s: You (or the grandparent in your life) are a Free Range Grandparent. Your motto is “I’ve raised my kids,” and you prefer not to rearrange your life for anyone thankyouverymuch. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your grandkids; it just means you love yourself more. You’re the distant cousin of the Kodak Grandparent who readily shows off photos of her grandchildren yet regularly forgets their names. You are the opposite of the Helicopter Grandparent, which has its perks because that means you’re not all up in the biz; however, it’s worth noting that some may perceive you as not giving a flying fart. Just trying to paint a complete picture for you.
Mostly B’s: The Resuscitation Grandparent, you believe you are a necessity for your grandchildren’s survival. While you are helpful, your motives are questionable: do you really want to nourish your grandkids or are you simply trying to one-up their mother’s cooking? Take a minute with that one.
Mostly C’s: Affectionately referred to as the Cash Cow, you have been known to “make it rain” at Chuck E. Cheese and your motto for gift-giving is “go big or go home.” The monetary assistance is certainly appreciated, although equally overbearing and insulting. The grandchildren prefer your love over your stuff. That said, nothing says L.O.V.E. like replacing a certain mother-of-your-grandchild’s iPhone that done busted when it was *splashed* with some water droplets. Apple is trying to rape me for a new one. EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I’m sorry. That got away from me. The point? The Cash Cow Grandparent spends money instead of time.
Originally published in June of 2013
Photo:
Do an uncle one I wanna take a test!
I think you’re pretty easy to “label:” spoils the kids mercilessly. 😉
I could do an entire post about option D: All of the above. … complete with tball game fly-ins, 3-month vacations, parental under-cutting and other inappropriate fun stuffs. God bless her, at least she’s consistent. Here’s to Brady and Ella’s capable, caring, kind, iphone purchasing grandparents (and their far superior Uncle Mike)!
I thought about an option D, but it was going to be based on every Italian grandparent who ever lived: feed the child, feed the problem. My hips digress…
I love this! Both sets of our parents are great grandparents, but I think I’ll direct them to this quiz just because it’s so fun!!
By “great grandparents,” I mean “awesome grandparents.” They aren’t old enough to be great grandparents yet. Just thought I’d specify in case they did hop over here to take the quiz, saw my comment, and got mad at me and threatened to stop babysitting…haha!
Hahaha!! NEVER compromise the babysitting gig. Hmmm…I don’t think my MIL reads this, but she comes in clutch on Wednesdays. Wonder if I should clarify that she’s as awesome as they come when it comes to grandparenting? And I mean it, too!
My kids of some crazy grandparents, and a few that Re not involved at all in their lives. I loved this and look forward to visiting your blog often
http://mommysrambles.blogspot.com/2013/06/mommy-mondays.html
All that matters is that the kiddos are happy, right? 😉 THANK YOU for stopping, Kimbra!
Clearly you are writing from experience and we have a shared experience here. This was awesome. Could you submit this to AARP magazine? Maybe “some people” would learn something from it.
AARP would definitely publish this shizz 😉 For what it’s worth, as bad a rap as in-laws get about their lack of grandparenting etiquette, I hit the jackpot with mine.
Yep. Grandparents (and great-grandparents) can be just as evil as parents.
Don’t worry – your time will come. *evil grin*
I hope I’ll be a chill, helpful, supportive grandparent. Then again, I’ll probably be ready for revenge by the time I’m a grandma 😉
Mine lean toward Type A. It’s so true not all grandparents are created equal.
Ain’t that the truth?!
My kids have grandparents that are all of these and none of these, and I mean that in the very best way.
You are one funny bitch, and I also mean that in the very best way. HT rocks my world, too.
I’ve honestly learned things about other kids’ grandparents that I never wanted to know. The shit we hear while picking up the kids from school, eh?!
Thanks for the compliment. 😉
Oh, you did NOT have to link me! Thank you, though.
I may or may not know some A’s and B’s. Especially the part with the showing off pics and not remembering the kid’s name… My favorite grandparents are the adopted ones- the two old men in my neighborhood who give my son more love and attention than certain blood relatives.
Also, I’m just noticing that commentluv is going to link my post about MY grandfather, who was neither A, nor B, nor C. Clearly, we need to get out of each other’s heads.
After my iPhone’s tragic death, I thought it only proper to link to you 😉
So right about the adopted family. We’ve got a few of those and they are the GREATEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of the three grandparents our girls have, we have one that fits each description! I really want to show this to them, but am too afraid I might misjudge their ability to laugh at themselves. Hell hath no fury like a ticked of grandparent, or three.
Don’t do it, Carisa! Can’t risk it 🙂
Well this was certainly the perfect post for me to read! I am a grandparent to a 16 month old little girl. They live about 4 hours away and due to financial reasons, we don’t get to see our grandbaby except about every 2-3 months. I guess I am a cross between the A’s and the B’s in this quiz. To a certain extent I am selfish about my time—I raised 4 kids and put my own life on hold for 26 years–which I don’t regret at all—I LOVED being a full time mom. But now I see these years as “my time.” The problem is that when my daughter comes down to visit, she wants to sleep in every day and have me get up early to take care of the baby, even though I usually only sleep 5 hours compared to her 8. I don’t mind doing it every now and then but certainly not every day. The other problem is that I spend so much time picking up after my daughter and my granddaughter, plus making all their favorite meals, etc., it leaves little time left in the day to do much else. It’s so funny that you just posted this because I got into an argument on this very subject with my daughter a week ago. She told me I need to be more of an “active” grandparent—-I told her I would when she stopped treating me like a babysitter/maid/personal chef at a hotel next time she comes down for a visit. We have since worked things out and so far it’s all good. Sorry to sound so bitchy but there really are 2 sides to this story. I think you’d have more willing grandparents if the parents weren’t trying to take advantage of them. A lot of it has to do with respect and a TON of patience! Thanks for sharing this thought provoking post–I have never read one like this and it was a refreshing change for me!
Hey, Mama! You’re absolutely right about the reciprocal respect and patience. And not that you asked my opinion, but you cleaning up after and cooking for your daughter and her kiddo is definitely an active grandma!
The inspiration for writing this was a conversation I had with another parent whose “grandparent stories” made my head spin! Trust me when I say you’re an A+ Grammy!
You are awesome sauce! XO
We’ve known we were blessed with awesome Grandparents for our kids since I got over my need to be in control when they were around. Since they live 4.5 hours away, it’s easier to adopt the ‘Grandparent time is fun time’ frame of mind and let stuff slide.
It’s so true, Jess! Parent need to relinquish some of their control/OCD around the grandparents! If you read Meno Mama’s comment on here, you’ll see she’s a Grandma struggling with the opposite end of the spectrum!
I mainly came here because I wanted to know what sex haustion was…
But you also write very well.
Ahahahahahahahaahahahaha!!!!!!
Ann, I think I love you.
Stephanie this was hilarious and the comments were just as funny. *me living vicariously through all of ya’ll*
I can always rely on my fabulous readers’ comments!!! xo
Bahahahaha! Nicely done!
Funny thing – my parents are amazing grandparents and yet, after 5 full days with them, she’s still scared of them. How the heck does that even happen??? I wanted to go for a mani/pedi, dammit! 🙂
Ahahahaha! I just read your email! I vote you run her in the sun, she’ll take a monster nap, and you can get in that mani/pedi. Buuuuut if she wakes and you’re gone, she may go postal. So there’s that…
good luck!
I was just at my mom’s house yesterday with Cesar! The kid knows that I’m not a huge fan of sugary snacks so he goes up to Grandma and very quietly says, “I would like some marshmallows.” She couldn’t hear him so she had to repeatedly ask him to speak up. When she still couldn’t hear him she says really loud. “Speak up boy. I’ll give you whatever you want and I’ll protect you from Mom.” Sweet little granny as I shake my head!
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mother does the exact same thing, except she actually does it on the sly; she’ll take my kids into the bathroom to give them the crap I don’t want them to eat. If they’re sad, she feeds them. If they’re misbehaving, she feeds them. If they’ve just eaten dinner, she feeds them. It’s driving me INSANE!
I think my parents are awesome grandaprents- know why? Because I am an awesome daughter. What does that mean? I know what they are capable of and I meet them where they’re at. I know they don’t love babysitting but will have me and the kids over for dinner any night of the week and let me crash at their house for an entire day when Hubs is traveling and I need a change of scenery. They don’t need nor want to come to every game, performance, activity. So I send them the tball and flag football schedule early on in teh season and ask them to pick one convenient game to come to. I could bitch about how other friends can travel to Europe for 10 days while their parents run life better than they could back at home. But the truth is, they HAVE raised their kids, they still work and take care of my 2 95 year old grandmothers. I need to cut them some slack and just meet ’em where they’re at- they don’t need my judgement for it.
Vicky
I think you’re already cutting them slack, Vicky! You obviously appreciate what they do for you and your family, and I would think working grandparents with their own parents to look after puts them in a whole other category. I mentioned some of the stories I’ve heard of other grandparents, and NONE of them consisted of grandparents like these. I think the reason I wrote this is because so many of us (you and I included) are used to having fabulous support systems; that’s not the case for everyone. We’re fortunate, right?!
YES YES YES YES YES. My parents are somewhere in between all of those, but GOD HELP YOU if you interfere with their social life.
It’s a shame, eh?
This is beyond awesome…absolutely love it. Amazingly, we have three sets of grandparents, one of each type. (All the parents got iPads for Xmas from the one set.) Also, they all love to watch our kids, on two conditions:
1. Time does not exceed 2 hours
2. We do not leave the premises
Useful, they.
Ahhh the time limit. I had to go to a doc appointment and my own mother was like, “you won’t be more than two hours will you?”
I don’t know, Mom. Depends on whether or not I stop at the bar for fifteen drinks on the way home…
😉
None of the above! I watch all 3 of my grandchildren while their parents work, so if I spoil them rotten, I get to live with the results! I am a back-up parent with tons of patience and a true understanding of which battles are worth fighting…a blend of parent and playmate. I like to think I am an enhancement to their lives. I re-enforce all the values the parents want taught, over-see their school work, do art with them, take them to the pool (I’m teaching the littlest to swim now) taught the oldest to read and to knit and cross stitch, work on their manners, and buy them the occasional treasure (ok, maybe a little more than occasionally!) bake their birthday cakes, and sometimes I need to referee the fussing. Every once in awhile, they end up in the corner, but normally we can discuss the issues and come to resolution that doesn’t involve having to be punished. But best of all, I love them unconditionally! I DON’T suck!
Janet, you are not a grandparent. You are a THIRD parent! And amazing, if I may say so. Please talk to my mother and STAT.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I appreciate it 😉
I am a grandparent. I always joke that I am a lousy one…I don’t want to be called grandma. My granddaughter started calling me Onja one day and that is what all four of the grandkiddos call me.
I am a free range Onja. I LOVE and ADORE my grandkiddos to death. But I raised my kids.
Great post!
Heeeey, Onja!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. And not hating me 🙂 Tee-hee.
Hugs to you and your grandkiddos!
This was SO fun!! When my son was 2 1/2, I got an opportunity to go back to work for 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. My mom was willing to take 2 days to sit, so I asked my mother-in-law for the other 2. Response? I already raised my kids, you should do the same. Oh no she didn’t!! And then…..a month later, found out she was sitting for my sister-in-laws 2 year old. Bah!!!!! As a new grandma, I’m pretty chill about everything. Before I buy anything, I ask “would you rather have a this or a that” and let my daughter decide. I ask “are you and Hubs up for a movie or night out…I’d be happy to take the kids” and then let them decide. I like to think I’m “there” for them without being all up in their grill. So far, so good.
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