The Time I Ruined My Own Engagement & The Dog Ruined Christmas

A few days before Christmas 2004, my boyfriend of two years took me to a Christmas lights display. It’s no secret that I’m like a toddler in an empty refrigerator box when it comes to Christmas, so the venue was perfection. The icing on the cake was that a portion of the entrance fee went to local animal shelters. Since I prefer dogs to most of the people I know, it was a clutch move on my man’s part.

Everything was storybook beautiful. Shimmering lights reflecting off a fresh blanket of snow like thousands of tiny mirrors. Families bundled in their hats and scarves, huddling together for warmth or for just because. My nose, dripping just enough to necessitate several subtle snorts so that I looked like a coke head. Awwww, romance.

After some time of walking around, gloved hand in gloved hand, gnawing on peanut butter fudge, I confided that, despite my layers of clothing, I was uncomfortably cold and recommended we head home where the beer was. It was then that my Mister announced he had to use the bathroom. Of course he did. When I suggested I wait in the car, he got all panicky. The chill was seeping into my bones, no doubt cutting off oxygen to my brain, but sure, honey, you go ahead and drop a deuce while I die a slow death à la Jack Nicholson in The Shining. I reluctantly agreed to hang by the fire where parents were repeatedly shrieking, “Get any closer and you’ll fall in!” to their small children. Oh, the romance. It just kept building.

By the time my man had returned, sixteen hours later, the falling temperatures had turned me into one frozen bitch.

 

Where have you been?!

Uh…there was a line. 

That was some line! Are they giving away free samples of blow jobs in there?!!

Wanna do one more lap before we leave?

NO!!!!! 

 

So, we left.

Barely out of the parking lot, and the poor, dejected man looked at me with eyes that said, “I’m trying. Go easy on me.”

He confessed: I didn’t go to the bathroom. I actually went to the gift shop. That’s what took me so long.

Oblivious of the anxiety on his face, I noted the small white bag with silky ribbon handles he had handed me looked a little too extravagant for a gift shop, but it didn’t register. Not until I opened the box, saw the ring, and yelled, THIS IS NOT FROM THE GIFT SHOP!! did it register that the man was pledging his undying love to me, and I was basically ruining it.

He pulled over, looked me in the face, and said: I was hoping you would want to be my wife?

Again yelling, I responded with something classy like hells yeah I do!! And then we went home to make a new memory.

 

Not that kind of memory. But the kind where our dog ate my Grandma’s gift, a jumbo-sized Hershey’s Chocolate Bar, and would be dead before Christmas Day unless we pumped her stomach.

 

Naturally, I freaked the freak out. My fiancé (squee!! I had a fiancé!) and I stood on the porch in the frigid night air while our mutt ran around the back yard like Lil’ Wayne on crack. So, basically, Lil Wayne on a Tuesday. During a small snippet of downtime, the man to whom I would eventually say “I do” tried to gag our dog with a plastic picnic spoon in hopes of regurgitating the chocolate. As one would expect, the spoon broke, the dog made it her new, jagged chew toy, and I freaked out some more.

At 11:30 and fresh out of gagging ideas, I called our vet on his emergency line, rambling about chocolate–SO MUCH CHOCOLATE–and pointy plastic. A lovely man, our vet, but not so well versed in the English language. He was quite difficult to understand in person, let alone over the phone. What I surmised from our conversation, after repeating his every word at volume 100 because that’s how communication barriers are broken, was the following:

Hydrogen peroxide…induce vomiting…could die…

Okay, got it. Make our dog puke by force-feeding her hydrogen peroxide or, on the very night that I became engaged to my one true love, the dog will die an untimely and milk chocolatey death.

Awesome.

One of the more important details that I did not secure from our vet was the amount of hydrogen peroxide required to make the dog upchuck. Wanting to be thorough, we pried open her mouth and dumped half a friggin’ bottle of the stuff down her throat. It worked.

And it worked some more.

And then some more.

It continued working through Christmas morning.

<Cue angels and bells and shit>

My new fiancé and I spent the evening we got engaged acting as the parents we would become 5 years later: keeping watch over our baby, a half black Lab, half German Shepherd, and aiming her vomit away from the carpet. Our story isn’t perfect, it doesn’t smell all that great, but it’s ours. I like to think that’s a metaphor for our marriage: hilariously imperfect (me) and a little stinky (him). Also, love.

 

A #Christmas engagement gone hilariously wrong! WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion.com

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Comments

  1. Great story, I love it! A night that kept getting better and better. I love the part about making a new memory – not the kind we thought you were alluding to.

  2. I love that even though it was far from what he planned it turned out to be a perfect way to start a life together!! :)
    Kathy Radigan recently posted…What a Mom Says: A Roundup of the Best Parenting Lines of 2013My Profile

  3. Well, you got a hell of a story out of it!
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted…What Am I Supposed to Do With All These Christmas Cards?My Profile

  4. Cray-zeee story! At least it’s memorable! Thanks for sharing it!
    Norine of Science of Parenthood recently posted…An (Im)Perfectly Beautiful Christmas TreeMy Profile

  5. Not exactly what he planned but a great story all the same. Thanks for sharing Stephanie :).
    vernette recently posted…Write Epic ShitMy Profile

  6. What do you need with an uber romantic proposal story anyways? They are soooo predictable! I bet no one guessed “oh, I bet they spent the night full of dog vomit”.
    My Special Kind of Crazy recently posted…Ho-Ho-HOrrible Santa Pictures!My Profile

  7. It is a GREAT story and not one bit boring like so many engagement stories!! Awesome.
    Allie recently posted…Holiday Hit ListMy Profile

  8. I’m reading your reply just above me and laughing! “We strive for anti-boring. I mean we also strive for anti-puke, but beggars can’t be choosers.” So funny. And so true. Love your engagement story! Very cute. Not the dog vomit part, but you know what I’m saying. Great way to start a marriage fer sher. Glad your doggie was okay!

    I’m like you, though. Once I pass that limit of coldness, I become viciously bitchy. I would knock old ladies over in the street to find an indoor warm place. Cannot handle the cold. *burr*
    Beth Teliho recently posted…The Phone CallMy Profile

    • Doggie was okay and still kickin’ today! Praise peroxide :)

      There is just something about the discomfort of the cold that brings out the worst in me. If I’m sweating my face off, it’s cool, but if I’m shivering, look out!!

  9. Hilarious! Love this ! I just got engaged Monday before Xmas and I almost ruined the night by having a headache and saying i wanted to stay in when meanwhile our friends were waiting at the bar with champagne for our impromptu engagement party! Good thing the fiance new to bring water and aspirin and knew how to drag me out for the special moment we had when he proposed in the park before our party :)
    Michelle recently posted…Video: Last Minute Gift Ideas from Breezy MamaMy Profile

    • You just got engaged, like, a week ago?! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! Oh how FUN! You didn’t ask, but here is my unsolicited advice anyway:

      LIVE. IT. UP.

      Planning can get stressful; enjoy it. If you’re not, say eff it and take a break. Delegate; you don’t have to do everything yourself. Ask for help. The night of your wedding, steal your man away for a few minutes and slow down long enough to enjoy one another because you’ll blink and the night will be over.

      Okay, I’m done. CONGRATS!!!!!!!! xo

  10. Messed up engagement stories are close to my heart, and I’m glad to hear you didn’t freeze to death and your dog didn’t die a chocolaty death. That story wouldn’t have been as funny. Thanks for the peroxide tip!
    Amy – Funny is Family recently posted…Dumb college relationships are hilarious when they happen to someone else.My Profile

  11. DYING!!! I cannot stop laughing! I expected nothing less from a Stephanie life story. Who needs boring when you can have a story like this! LOVE it!
    Amanda recently posted…Where have I been? Hanging out at What the Flicka!My Profile

  12. It’s funny, but so true how many engagements go wrong b/c the girl has no idea & get’s annoyed at the poor guy who’s sweating bullets & scrambling to get everything right but can’t b/c the girl’s too annoyed. It’s horrible your dog got sick on one of the best nights of your life. But it is good practice for kids.
    One Funny Motha recently posted…People: What’s Wrong With Them Part 3?My Profile

  13. Steph, you are perfect. I love this so much. Babying that puppy with hydrogen peroxide and all? No better way to celebrate the start of a life together, I say.
    Meredith recently posted…The #Downton Tweet Storm is Unleashed!My Profile

  14. That is both hysterical and adorable! LOVE that engagement story!
    Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) recently posted…Family Dinner Fiasco: Comedy AND Tragedy in 3 Short Funny ActsMy Profile

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