Top Ten Contradictions of Pregnancy

I never feel sexier than when pregnant.

That’s not even a sarcastic statement. I mean it.

It’s not always easy, but I manage to overlook the cankles (by the way, do they make maternity socks? Because I need them.) and the weirdness that has spotted my face in an attractive measles-esque manner, and focus on the fact that my swollen belly is growing a miracle.

There is a living, breathing organism sitting on my bladder right this minute, people. Minds. Blown.

Even though this is my third rodeo, I never tire of reading the baby books, feeling the movement and kicks coming from within, or just staring at my baby bump. I am truly in awe of my body right now.

That said, some of this shit just ain’t right.

With every pregnancy comes a plethora of contradictions: things you need, but cannot have (liquor). Things you don’t need, but are served up anyway (varicose veins, anyone?). Each Mama has her own tale and while we are all grateful for the opportunity to sustain the human race, we would be liars if we ignored the facts…

Sex:

Some of us want to get sweaty between the sheets more often. Come to Mama! Others of us are Sweaty McFartyson and want nothing more than to be left alone and never touched again. Whatever the case, an aching back, huge tummy, and limited flexibility can make intercourse…interesting. Read: a cross between Cirque du Soleil and a comedy starring Seth Rogen, which is to say uncomfortable and awkward.

Baths:

Despite being touted as a tried and true method of soothing pregnancy’s aches and pains, even a bath comes with its limitations when with child. I love me a hot bath with bubbles and a full wine glass on the edge of the tub. Alas, those days are gone whilst growing a person. Luke warm water, sans bubbles, and a lemon spritzer will have to suffice for the next 9 months.

Exercise:

This time around, I have been the proud recipient of Restless Leg Syndrome. It feels like microscopic elves are hard at work dismantling my nerve endings from the knees down. With needles. The doctor tells me to cut back on exercise to get relief from RLS. But to help me sleep, he tells me to increase exercise. Faaaantastic.

Alcohol:

Pregnancy can be a stressful time, especially if you have other rug rats running around demanding your attention and energy. In one breath, doctors are all, “keep stress to a minimum;” in the next breath they’re like, “No, you cannot have four Blue Moons before bed. What the hell is wrong with you?” Make up your minds already.

Sleeping:

Up there with exercising and de-stressing as ways to maintain sanity during pregnancy is getting enough sleep. HA! My belly is so big it puts my hips to sleep underneath its weight, so lying on my side is futile. Lying on my back isn’t safe, and lying on my belly is impossible. So, yeah, how ’bout that sleep. Between lack of shut eye and the RLS deal, I’m a limping insomniac.

Drinking:

Not to be confused with alcohol consumption, drinking merely refers to getting enough liquids, namely water. It is important to get your 8 glasses a day (or whatever it is), but know what else is important? Not peeing your pants every time you stand up. I may or may not have done that twice before noon this weekend. Stop looking me like that.

Memory:

My babies better be geniuses because they have literally and figuratively sucked all of my brain cells right outta me. And pregnancy is no time to turn into a mouth-breathing moron. There is a ton of crap to do and remember, especially before the baby gets here and…I’m sorry. What was I saying?

Hormone Changes:

Necessary albeit inconvenient, fluctuations in hormones prepare our bodies for the growth, labor, and delivery of our babies, but they also sprout black wires on our chins and can–so I’ve heard–turn us into irrational, unfair, lunatics. So I’ve heard.

Motherly Instinct:

So you’ve got yourself a baby, huh? Ready for this wild ride called Motherhood? It’s okay to say NOOOOOOOOO! When I held my first baby in 2009, I distinctly remember looking at him and thinking, “What now?” Laid up after an emergency c-section, remnants of pain killers coursing through my blood, the last thing I felt was like a mother. I felt like a science experiment gone wrong: my boobs hurt, the incision was unbearable, and strangers kept asking me if I could pass gas for them. Awkward.

Relationships:

Becoming a parent for the first time or the fifth time is exciting, so it would stand to reason that those who love us would be fist- pumping and decorating our mailboxes with balloons, right? Meh, not always. A huge contradiction to the wonderment of pregnancy and new babies is that, sometimes, previously solid-as-rocks relationships slowly turn to sand. It can be sad, it can be frustrating, but at the end of the day, you’ve got a beautiful bundle pooping ’round the clock who will eventually call you “Mom.” And maybe worse things when he/she is a teenager, but let’s not go there just yet.

I personally feel like a warrior ninja when carrying a human bowling ball in my belly. There is nothing I can’t do (except reach my toes) and nothing will hold me back (except constipation) from being the very best mom I can be. Now pass me the compression pantyhose and watch me go!!!! Right after this nap…

 

CONGRATS TO Gwendolyn L. F. YOU’VE WON THE SEE’S CANDIES GIVEAWAY! Thank you so much for entering and Nom! Nom! Nom!