Toddlering: This, Too, Shall Pass

Don’t make any sudden movements.

Avoid eye contact if possible.

Tip-toe when necessary.

If communication is required, rely on sign language instead of verbal cues as to not cause disruption.

Are we in the jungle, approaching a herd of elephants?

No. We are in the living room, avoiding a gaggle of toddlers.

There are days when my kids play so nicely together that I just melt into a puddle of estrogen.

And then there are other days, also known as the Majority of the Time, when the kids scream, throw things, use the television as a salt lick, and incessantly call my name despite the fact that I have responded with a “Yes?” sixteen times.

These are the days I want to melt into a puddle of scotch.

Unfortunately, Toddlering (much different than general “Parenting”) offers no guarantees. We can’t rely on a consistent wake-up call, nor can we expect yesterday’s favorite meal to be met with equal appreciation 24-hours later. My son earnestly believes that favorite colors should change daily, which is why each morning he announces matter-of-factly, “Today my favorite color is…tan.”

Toddlers must be groomed and tamed and molded from the ground up. Unlike babies, toddlers are paying attention to more than their own hands and bright colors. This puts a lot of responsibility on their keepers. Yes, these elusive creatures require constant attention and feeding, not to mention entertaining, educating, and opportunities for sleep.

It’s not an easy job, but I’m here to help. I currently own two toddlers and once worked at a public urination center swimming pool, so I’m basically An Expert.

Guideline #1: Don’t get too comfortable. If you’re in a routine (i.e. nap time is going swimmingly, the Toddler is well on her way to knowing the alphabet), anticipate change effective immediately five seconds ago.

Guideline #2: Sharing success stories or health updates on social media begets subsequent failures and sicknesses. This is Karma’s way of telling us not to brag. Karma can be a real wench.

Guideline #3: Goldfish crackers, chicken nuggets, and grapes* are a balanced meal and will be consumed for 76-days in a row. On the 77th day**, the Toddler will vehemently refuse the aforementioned and demand cheese***.

*substitute your Toddler’s favorites here
**timeline is subject to change
***demand for new food may differ

Guideline #4: What we perceive as exciting (the Happy Birthday song? Fireworks?) is, in fact, terrifying for The Toddler.

Guideline #5: If you have 2+ Toddlers, you will be tempted to purchase two of the same item in an effort to thwart arguments and hair pulling. Don’t do it. Toddler 1 wants only what is in Toddler 2’s hand, and vice versa; an extra or exact replica of the item is in vain.

Guideline #6: Rely on Toddlers’ aesthetic appeal in times of need. This is a necessary attribute for survival. For both of you. For example, the Toddler has fed Play-doh to the dog (again) and you are scrubbing purple vomit out of your beige carpets. To alleviate the irritation, Toddlers’ eyes will pathetically swell with tears and they will adorably mispronounce an apology (“Saw-see”) so you don’t sell them.

Guideline #7: Hug the Toddler a lot now because you will blink and the Toddler will be the Teenager and then you will really want to sell him.

Guideline #8: As was previously mentioned, this is an incomplete guide to Toddlering…