It’s no secret that more than Happy Hour changes when we become parents. The second we bring home those bundles of
poop joy, many of the things we’ve blissfully taken for granted all those years (hot, uninterrupted showers, solo BMs, etc.) become nothing more than distant memories.
Things like a rockin’ sex life.
Those parents of little ones who are shaking their heads because they’re still managing regular afternoon delight, I call bullshit! LIES! If you’ve never gone through a dry spell after birthing a human, you’re either fibbing or in the minority. If it’s the latter, good for you! But get outta here. I’m talking to those who can relate to being too exhausted to take off their pants. I’m talking to the New Parent.
I get it: it’s hard to find the time to accomplish the daily tasks like loading the dishwasher or binge watching Netflix, so even the thought of some hanky panky might be enough for you to run away. But here me out. It’s the little things that make a big difference…
1. Ladies, shear your winter coat. Which is to say, shave your legs in the winter months. If you’re hairier than your man, it’s a deal breaker. Unless he’s into that, then go nuts, Robin Williams.
2. Guys, compliment her. Tell her dinner was delicious, that she looks sexy folding socks. Whatever you say, mean it. If you don’t, we will know and then we will claw your eyes out. It’s the postpartum hormones, not us, and we cannot be held accountable.
3. However, some things are best left unsaid. Ain’t nobody need to know about back pimples, burps that were *thisclose* to being vomit, personal grooming rituals, etc. Watching my husband trim ear hair isn’t exactly a turn on…
4. If you really want to turn it up a notch, step outside of your comfort zone: take one for the team when it comes to household responsibilities. You’re not usually in charge of garbage day? Shut your pie hole and roll that can to the curb. Can’t stand putting the kids in a scissor hold to trim their nails? Get those clippers and do it anyway, with a smile.
5. Give the love of your life a SURPRISE! Come home early, buy a special gift, or FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, get a babysitter and go directly to a hotel.
6. Mamas, this one is just for you: your bodies will be going through some changes, rightfully so. But there’s no better way than to kill the mood than by calling your man into the bathroom to, ahem, inspect. Find a gal pal to chat with regarding the following topics: discharge, night sweats, uncontrollable crying, cracked nipples, hemorrhoids, and the fact that sex is the absolute last thing you want.
7. If you believe you have something stuck in your teeth or hanging out of your nostril, take care of it without asking for a second opinion. “You sure I got it? Look again, would ya?”
8. Ladies, and this is for all ladies, do not let him witness you stuffing yourself into your Spanx. I tell you this because I love you and because I, too, have been there: we grunt. We wiggle and subsequently jiggle. We contort our body in ways that, if viewed by our partners, would be expected to replicate in the bedroom. Do yourself a favor and lock yourself in the closet when shimmying your way into your Spanx.
9. Guys, listen: you did not grow a human for 9 months, have it violently evacuated from your special parts (nor were you sawed in half to retrieve said human), and I am doubtful that you will put this infant to your breast and single-handedly sustain its life for an indefinite amount of time. So, be extra nice to your lady, okay? If she’s not in the mood for a month–or 6–after having your child, don’t take it personally. Rub her shoulders, bring her water while she’s nursing. Tell her you appreciate her, that you’re in awe of her body and how it can endure SO MUCH. Life after baby can be tough, but don’t forget how incredibly amazing it is, too.
10. And finally, as a parent, you will feel overwhelmed sometimes. It may not be immediately after bringing baby home; it could be when your kids are 2 and 4 and they’ve been sick for 7 weeks straight and you just want to vent about the fact that you can’t catch a break so you write a post about it and then your husband, who should really focus on all of the wonderful things you’ve written about him is upset and then you feel bad…I forget where I was going with that. My point? Things will get better. And so will the sex. Hang in there!
This post was originally written in February of 2013. I’m happy to report that after adding a third to our brood, husband and I not only love one another in a way that wasn’t possible pre-kids, but we actually like each other more, too. You’ll get your groove back, parents. Promise.
Dani Ryan says
O.M.G. You are hilarious! And you hit it right on the head. My favs were # 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. 😉
I do find it funny when some people say nothing changed for them in the bedroom before having kids. Is that possible? I don’t think so.
Thanks so much for the Friday laugh!
Those who say nothing changed are lying. I mean, they have to be, right?!
Janine Huldie says
Seriously, this was awesome and I will tell you loved them all, especially #9. Awesome post and have a great weekend!! 🙂
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. says
OMG, the chin hair bit was hilarious, and um, yeah, don’t come into the bathroom when I have my tweezers out! Happy Hour makes me laugh, thanks to what it once was and the fact that 5-7 is referred to as “Crappy Hour” in my house. Hilarious post, and congrats on Scary Mommy!
CRAPPY HOUR!!!!!!!!!! I love it! Thanks so much for the congrats. I’m returning a hearty CONGRATULATIONS because you are burning up the Top 25 chart! Go, Mama, go!!!
Karen Morgan says
Number 7 – THANK YOU! Be your own hygiene police. I love knowing that these issues aren’t just happening under my roof 🙂 Found you from Cloudy with a Chance of Wine. Thanks for the great read!
Hey, Karen! If Dani sent you my way, then I know you have good taste 🙂 Welcome!!!!!!
#8! Convinced that Spanx is personally out to destroy the hope of any sex in this world. Darned evil spandex…and congrats again on Scary Mommy! You are rockin’ it, my friend!
THANK YOU! And thanks again for tweeting about it–I appreciated it 🙂 I have to draw the line about the Spanx: I love them when I need them; otherwise, I totally agree with you 😉
Julie DeNeen says
LOL. I’ve done waay too many of these things on the list to admit!!!
You have a handful of kids, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it? 😉 Hope you guys are all shoveled out and keeping WARM!
Piper George says
Mr G and I were considering writing to Sony to thank them for inventing the playstation. When your kids are age 3 upwards and able to hold a controller, you can get your valuable Sunday afternoons back!
I have written this down in the back of my Doctor Spock book. Thank you! 🙂
Karie H says
Thanks for reading, Karie!!!