A couple of weeks ago, my piece We’re Expecting! No One Cares was featured on Mamapedia. I was saddened by how many other mothers have experienced the “Meh” reaction to their pregnancies, but I was more emotional about the comments that said I shouldn’t expect others to be excited just because I was.
This isn’t about pregnancy. I understand that, for a variety of reasons, the announcement of an impending poop machine isn’t always met with graciousness or an open heart.
This is about people who believe we should not expect anything but the status quo from our loved ones. They say we are wrong to expect those closest to us to react with happiness just because we are happy. That our sorrow should not beget another’s sorrow. Because I believe that is all horse dung, I was told I have unrealistic expectations; I am selfish and unfair.
It is one thing to always lean on people who consistently let us down. It’s the ol’ “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” adage. If a person is reliably unreliable, why do we hold on to the hope that some day she will change?
Some of us are hopeless romantics, I guess. Extreme optimists.
But I’m not talking about those kinds of people.
I am talking about relationships in general. Is it wrong to expect things from others?
No.
There is a fabric of individuals woven into our lives; it consists of grandparents, friends, aunts, uncles, teachers, and neighbors. Be they blood or be they our own discovery, these people are a part of us. Maybe only for a school year, maybe for life. Either way, there is a mutual respect and understanding and general expectation that goes hand-in-hand with that relationship. To those who say we shouldn’t anticipate our very best friends delighting in something monumental in our lives, I say to them: unacceptable. In fact, if I’m tinkling myself excited over a new pair of boots or losing six pounds, then I should be able to expect my pals to be tinkling right along with me. And just for the record, my girls are the best; when I tinkle, they tinkle.
Why? Because I do it for them.
Why? Because I love them.
Also? It’s called reciprocity.
There’s a word you don’t hear much about these days; some of us call it Karma. Others call it a healthy relationship. You get out of life what you put into it and I’ll be damned if I am going to lower my standards and just go through the motions. We’ve all had our ups and downs, but the purest kind of love is in the proof that the relationship we share is a priority. Together, we have value.
I give my best to the people who matter most to me, and I absolutely expect the same in return.
Maybe that does make me selfish. Unfair. And whatever else you want to call me, but I can tell you this for certain: because I am not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve, I lead a much fuller life than someone who holds back. Great risk yields great reward.
Sure, I get burned sometimes. There have been a handful of people who haven’t met me halfway and yes, I’ve learned the hard way. Some of those people were easy to remove from my life. Others? Not so much. But I don’t see the point in having half-assed relationships, of not committing myself entirely. If it’s not the best, why bother?
First of all, you are FARRRRR from selfish and every pregnant woman deserves some love and hugs. Come on! Secondly, the troll thing…I have not experienced this, but from friends who have been on Mampedia, they say the worst trolls in the blogosphere are active on there. So stop reading them, because they are mentally handicapped and everyone knows that we shouldn’t make fun of people who are that stupid. I mean rude. Whatever, I don’t like them and they aren’t invited to my tea party.
Stacey, I have to agree! Those Mamapedia gals are HARSH! What I think is hilarious is that Mamapedia published the piece about my son asking how the baby will get out of my belly and it’s like crickets over there today. WTF, people? Only want to attack the writers?!
Thank you for so eloquently establishing the importance of reciprocal relationships. Life is too short to allow others to make your relationship an option.
Thank YOU for calling it eloquent; I felt like I was just ranting! I like you, Milla… 🙂
You’re damn right. You deserve love and respect, and anyone who doesn’t give it to you has no place in your life.
And that goes for ALL of us!!!
Fcuk them, Princess. Xxoo
What you said.
ok, so when pregnant we get a little “emotional”. I think it a shame that you didn’t get the reaction you wanted especially from those closest to you. I was happy for you and I hardly know you (yet)..
I don’t really know about expectations. So many of my real relationships – or at least I thought them to be real – ended so weirdly, perhaps I have put on a little armor.. I think you just need to let your excitement and happiness shine and those around you are bound to catch up!
I hear you about the emotional prego; I know I can get ranty, BUT this so isn’t about pregnancy. This is about the substance of relationships, or the lack thereof, and I can’t quite understand why so many people would go through life not really experiencing their loved ones. I don’t know. I could be crazy 😉
As a woman who has struggled to get pregnant for three years, it’s incredibly difficult for me to be happy for another woman who just announcd her pregnancy. It’s worse and a lot harder when it’s baby #2, 3 or even 4. Deep down, yea, I am thinking “Congrats!” However, it’s tinged with a lot of sadness and somewhat bitter feelings because my husband and I have yet to experience that joy.
I’d rather be silent and move on rather than risk accidentally saying something I shouldn’t (odds are I won’t because that’s just messed up and uncalled for). I know moms are excited and they should be and yes, I do agree women do deserve love and respect. The only thing I would suggest is that when an expectant mother is gushing over her pregnancy is to keep in mind how many out there are still struggling or may have just experienced a loss. I/we may be happy and thrilled for you but I/we are also dealing with emotions of our own.
As for other relationships, I’ve learned to get rid of the people who contribute nothing emotionally to my life no matter how small. If I mean nothing to someone and it’s obvious, time to move on.
Kim, my heart aches for you; I know the longing of wanting a baby. Hugs, pals.
As for this post, it has much less to do with pregnancy itself, and more to do with all other aspects of relationships. I feel empathy for you and I don’t know you! That’s why I find it so difficult when people who do know me, who spend time with me, who claim to love me don’t have it in them to feel joy when I do, pain when I do, etc. I guess I’m just musing over the decline of personal relationships.
Stephanie, thanks so much for the kind and sweet words. It means a lot to me and it’s nice to know people do still care.
I can certainly relate to the frustration over the decline of personal relationships. It’s so hard to find true, meaningful ones these days. I’ve put up my guard quite often out of fear of getting hurt. Not the best idea but it does occasionally help a little. The right people will be there for you and love you unconditionally. The rest can just eff off. *hugs*
<3 <3 Those are Internet hearts for you.
My friend is having her 6th kid. I’m just as excited for her then as I am now. My friends are excited for me regardless of what stupid thing I do. That’s why they are my friends.
And if she told you that she made a kick ass dinner for those kids and was super excited about it, you would be excited, too. Because that’s what friends do.
I could agree with what Kim said, that it can be sad to hear about someone having a baby, when you really want one… especially if it seems like EVERYONE is having babies and you’re like, “Where’s MY baby?” But I think that is way different than people who have different reasons for not being happy, like just feeling that you already have enough kids. Every baby deserves to be celebrated and eagerly awaited by the world!
Angel, I completely agree. I totally understand how Kim’s heart aches a little each time she hears “baby.” And I have friends who have experienced the same. But then I read comments like “MY Special Kind of Crazy’s” above and realize it is possible for some of us to rise above our pain to feel happiness for the people we love. That is NOT to say Kim and others haven’t done that; in fact, she made it clear she is happy for me and she barely knows me. Takes a special person with a big heart.
Thank you for reading! xo
I have 2 lovely daughters. When I got pregnant with my 2nd, my brother and his wife had just recently lost one of their twin girls at 1 month old. And my brother in law’s 2nd oldest had just recently been diagnosed with brain cancer and given 1 year to live. At 10 years old. When we told each of them respectively, they were thrilled for us. Even through their pain and grief they were able to share in our joy. Because as family and friends, that is what you do.
I am very excited for anyone that is having a baby- so congrats and don’t let the joy busters get you down!
Ohmygoodness. I can’t even imagine..as a parent, that’s your worst nightmare come true. Yet they still found it in their hearts to be happy for you and your husband?! That, friends, is true kindness. You must have a real bond with your family–what a blessing!!!!!!!
“Joy busters!” Exactly!
Amen sistah!! And a belated congrats, too! There’s nothing wrong with expecting what you put in. I think you’re right…I think you got hit with some trolls. These days, it’s awesome to celebrate the little things, like a new purse, or getting to take a nap. A new baby?? That’s HUGE. Yes. You have a right to expect squeees.
A nap. Now THAT is call for a celebration!
Thank you, Beth!! I agree: squees all around for a baby dammit!!
xo
This post makes me so sad- to think that you have to actually even have a conversation about this makes me angry and disappointed in our humanity. For God’s sake, what is wrong with people?
Love and all types of relationships are about giving. And about receiving. Reciprocity is freaking basic 101 folks. Caring and sympathy and excitement for another… basic human instinct is it not?
Oh how people have grown so cold and selfish. Or worse, buried so deep in their own issues that they simply cannot see beyond them. I wish their perspective would open wide to a world of beautiful souls that need and deserve love and appreciation and attention. It’s amazing how a heart can GROW in doing so for another.
A stagnant society we have become.
Thank God for the few we know and love, Steph. And really- I do pray for those who can’t bond beyond themselves. For their lives must be so empty, and that saddens me deeply.
Woman, you’re supposed to be recovering in bed with hot tea or something!! But I do love that you came to visit 😉
You said it best, Chris: It’s amazing how a heart can GROW in doing so for another.
I feel like social media, among other things, has created a “hands-off” generation that will only perpetuate our Me! Me! Me! society. I’ll pray right along with ya, Mama! xo
oh my word! this is the best post EVERRRR! A few months ago I made a blog post about how sad I was that my in-laws decided to move a three day drive away from us and our children (still very small – 2.5 yrs and 10 months old) , also my father and stepmother moved the same distance but west instead of south, 3 years ago. I posted about choices that define us and whats important to us. I brought up how I always wanted a family and could not think of moving far away from them. How could my family be so blind and uncaring to us and not wanting to live nearby. I raised questions like, are you comfortable your grandchildren barely know you and that we haven’t hugged for months. How will they feel after all their friends and spouses are gone and they are lying on their deathbeds alone, will they have wished they made different choices??
Needless to say, despite my angst, my husbands and my childrens, I was met with horrible backlash. Even though I did not blame, just discussed my plans for my future and my childrens future and how sad I was that our family moved away – my in-laws, father, stepmother and my BROTHER were FLAMING MAD!! I deleted my blog and started a new one sans posts with any feelings in them. They were mad I shared my blog post on Facebook with my friends and family ( I only have real friends and family on there, no acquaintances or anything – so it was something I would have told anyone), not mad or even addressed my feelings or my husbands feelings.
But I still feel that as parents, we are liable for our children the REST of their lives. Maybe if my father visited at holidays or for my kids birthdays i wouldn’t feel so sad. My in-laws moved just because – just because – what kind of shitty reason is that?? What about your children?? Your grandchildren?? They need you, we need you! Relationships have obligations damn it!! Our family has proven how cold and selfish they are! There is so much more to this story obviously but I won’t go into any further detail.
I LOVE this blog post! And while I silenced my feelings yet AGAIN for shitty family, I am seriously considering re-posting my initial post about Choices that Define You. In the midst of all the chaos, we did see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not only did my husband stand behind me all the way, telling me that my words needed to be said – but, several other people came forward publicly and privately to tell me that I was brave and making a stand for those of us that ARE abandoned, uncared for and unloved – BY OUR OWN FAMILY!! They told me their own stories of cold selfish family that hurt them some how. Hopefully someday we will all find peace and healing. As of now my father, stepmother and brother aren’t speaking to me. My post was 2 months ago. My father met my oldest daughter twice in 2.5 years and youngest – never. Left for home the day she was born….didn’t visit his own dying father in Hospice – the rest of the family was with my grandfather holding his hand when he passed. Peace be with you and thank you for the inspiring post. Keep on keeping on.
Wow, Amanda. This is harsh. I am so sad about the backlash, though I have to try and understand it from your family’s point of view. They probably felt attacked and judged for their decision, which maybe you and I would, too, BUT whatever happened to making the people in our lives a priority? Having open conversation about the things that matter to us? I sure hope they wise up so they don’t miss out on awesome you and your family. Hugs to your hubs for standing behind you; that’s a good man you’ve got there!! Keep on keepin’ on, Mama xo
and I forgot – CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Babies are wonderful news!
Oooh thank you!!!! 🙂
I get this. Some of the exciting things that have happened for me in the past year have been met with indifference from some of those closest to me, and it still makes me sad. I’m also sad because you’re sad…BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO.
Exactly. You get it. Now, can you talk to some of these others? 😉
I can’t imagine not being excited for the people I care about when they have exciting news. Hell, I get excited for strangers when they share something like that with me. I’ve definitely had my share of disappointing reactions from friends / family. I think that it hurts so much because there is an expectation of reciprocity … without that, without caring about what’s important to the people in our lives, without championing their successes and happiness, without sharing in exciting times … we don’t have much of a relationship.
So sorry you dealt with all of this … and then trolls. Seriously?!
You know I’m happy for you, girl!! Congrats on Baby 3!! XOXO
You said it so well: without all that GOOD, the relationship is pretty much an empty shell. Thank you for reading and thank you for your kindn
ess!!! xo
AMEN! That’s a what friends are and family should be. Poor jerks that said you were selfish obviously don’t have “real” friends because they probably aren’t “real” themselves.
I wondered the same thing: how do you NOT have expectations for the relationships you’re in? Is that even possible?!
Damn straight! I’ve had to end some toxic relationships with girlfriends and it’s never easy but it’s a MUST. Life is too short.
You’re exactly right, Allie; life IS too short! Thanks, girl!
I am jump up and down happy for you and I have never even MET you! What I love so much about your blog is that it’s so YOU. In every blog post, I know I’m getting the real, down n’ dirty, authentic YOU and I love it. Fo’ realz! If the people in your life aren’t stepping up, they are most certainly missing out. We all deserve to be met halfway at the very least. I am going to start EXPECTING it. And hopefully, at my age, that’s all I’ll be expecting – if you know what I mean! And CONGRATS girlfriend!!
I think some people have legitimate reasons to not be excited about certain things. Never being excited about anything is a problem.
I have 2 friends who are best friends with each other, their husbands are friends, they do everything together. One friend started trying to have baby #2, could not get pregnant, found out she could never have another baby again. Went through lots of fertility treatments, not happening. Her BFF also had kids and got pregnant with her 4th as friend #1 was failing at her final fertility treatment. This was devastating for friend #1. Is she happy for her now? Yes. Does she love her BFF’s adorable baby, who’s now almost 1, of course. But hearing that news was super hard for her. She had to take a little break (a couple weeks). She loved her friend but she was just sad for herself, and I’m sure jealous.
But even not so serious, people have bad days, people are tired, they don’t understand other people’s choices. They shouldn’t hold grudges forever, but I can understand being surprised by an announcement of any kind. You lost 5 pounds? F*ck I just ate 2 bags of peanut butter m&ms, I mean, you look awesome!
Friendship is also not faking enthusiasm for everything if you don’t always mean it. I would hope my good friends wouldn’t fake it and would tell me what’s up.
You’re absolutely right that it’s not about faking; I don’t think that’s what this piece is about. It was inspired by a less-than-stellar experience when we announced our pregnancy, but turned into a heated debate over whether we should ever expect anything from our loved ones. I don’t think it’s a matter of faking, or even pregnancy; it’s about sharing the ups and downs and really feeling them with the people who matter most. Those who aren’t willing to ride along with us aren’t really reciprocating, ya know?
So true. For me, there’s nothing wrong with expecting the same level of love you give to someone to the love you’ll receive from them. To quote your words, ‘I don’t see the point in having half-assed relationships, of not committing myself entirely. If it’s not the best, why bother?’ – Totally agree! Great post! Thank you for sharing.
Fabulous discussion! For me it depends on the relationship. Plus I’m not a heart-on-my-sleeve person. I’ve had some relationships where i was expected to jump for joy for them and yet never got anything in return when I had my own good news. Now I just try not to have expectations. Is that a shame? I’m not sure really. I’ve definitely been on both sides of this because there are also people in my life that expect love to be shown a certain way and that way is not my style. It can be awkward because I don’t want to hurt them but I also don’t want to be repeatedly told I’m hurting their feelings. Cause then, and I’m not proud, I dig my heels in. Eek!