“Do you think she has a…problem?”
My husband asked this about our three-year-old because, recently, she has become really stellar at looking us square in the face and completely ignoring the words coming out of our mouths. I’ve noticed she normally utilizes this tactic when asked to do something. Namely, something she doesn’t want to do.
This child is the same one who can sit, enthralled, in a book for 20 minutes at a time, yet “just can’t” take her cereal bowl to the sink. She has no trouble following Mickey Mouse’s instructions to reach, jump, or spin, but when I ask that she clean up her dolls, she simply walks in the opposite direction of the myriad of princesses heaped helplessly on the floor. Or she goes on a ten minute tirade about why “grown-ups always ask kids to do ‘fings’ all day long! Kids always have to clean up all the ‘fings’ all the time always!”
Does she have a hearing problem? Difficulty completing tasks? The only problem she has is Three Year Olditis.
Not every unfocused kid has Attention Deficit Disorder. Not every ornery child has a behavioral issue. I’ve encountered too many moms and dads who want a scapegoat for bad grades or mediocrity, so they find a label to slap on their kid and voila! Their job is done.
“Little Jimmy can’t stay still on the soccer field; he’s hyperactive.”
Or, he’s a normal four-year-old.
“Michael isn’t passing math class because he can’t focus; he has ADD.”
Or, he’s bad at math and stopped trying because he’s frustrated.
“Susie can’t come to the birthday party; she suffers from separation anxiety.”
Or, she’s shy.
Society is label-happy, and parents are falling for it. I am not dismissing the reality of true disabilities; I understand the importance of identifying a person’s strengths and weaknesses in order to help him succeed in every aspect of life. That said, we don’t always need a clinical term to describe someone who isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. What’s more is if we continue to slap labels on a person the second he begins to struggle, those who truly need the extra help and attention become needles in a haystack.
So many parents would rather believe their child has a problem than have to expend the energy on working to improve the person; it’s easier to rely on interventions, like professionals or medications, to help their kid because then they don’t have to.
What do we accomplish by tagging the kid who can play Minecraft for six solid hours, but who can’t focus on a 30 minute Shakespeare lesson, with a learning disability? We accomplish enabling a lazy child. Is it so awful to tell him to try harder? Or–GASP!–sit with him and make sense of Act I in Hamlet together?
It’s common sense that we concentrate better on the things that interest us. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around only our interests. Yet so many of us want personalized, customized, individualized everything for our kids. Because they need it. Because they can’t succeed without it. Here’s the thing: what our kids need is for us to be hands-on, supportive, and realistic. What they don’t need is an excuse for their shortcomings, teaching them that an asterisk by their name and a whipping boy for their resistance is the easy way out.
A few years ago a parent requested a conference with me regarding her child’s poor performance in my math class. She said her child with diagnosed with a learning disability, and the #1 problem was “he can’t pay attention to things that don’t interest him.” I bit my tongue, but thought “that isn’t a learning disability. That is NORMAL. It’s just that those of us that have managed to succeed academically have figured out a little something called SELF MOTIVATION. We have the will power, discipline, and courage to battle and force ourselves to pay attention even when we don’t give a shit.” You are right. More kids have “disabilities” now than ever before.
“He can’t pay attention to things that don’t interest him” is parent speak for “we give up.”
That’s actually a classic sign of ADD, and if she’s claiming a learning disability, maybe instead of being so dismissive, you should’ve asked some questions, like, WHO did the diagnosing.
There are TESTS for learning disabilities. I should know… my kid went through a myriad of them, and even though he was diagnosed with specific things (which allowed us to target those areas of weakness and help him build his other strengths to cope).
It’s really discouraging to see this kind of attitude and ignorance from supposed professionals.
You have to understand that you are the minority; parents who exhaust all possibilities and actually communicate with professionals. In this case, the parent did the diagnosing herself, and she continued to “diagnose” any time her son had difficulty with something. To me, that’s using a label as a scapegoat. I wish we had more moms like you, but the sad reality is that because of parents like this one, your kid and kids like him aren’t getting the help they need as a result of wasted time and resources on an excuse.
I’m sorry if it’s discouraging to see this side of the coin, but I think it’s worth acknowledging that it exists.
I don’t think she is the minority– I think that you’re overgeneralizing. Many, many parents think long and hard about even having their child tested for the fear of labeling (and the consequences of that label following him or her). I think this post is one of the worst I’ve read– the blog, not your comment. It seems quite uninformed about the different types of learning disabilities that exist and what it’s like to suffer with them. I’ve got to say, I’m discouraged by the attitude and think that it is woefully uninformed.
You’re entitled to your opinion. Thanks for reading.
I agree 100%! I also have a three year old suffering the same “disability” that your three year old has. Frustrating? Yes. Normal? Of course.
I completely disagree with labels. Once a kid is labeled, it’s hard to lose the label going through school.
Did your three-year-old throw the mother of all tantrums tonight when the ketchup on her plate touched food it wasn’t supposed to touch? Just crowd sourcing here…
I have been wanting to write something like this for a long time since this is one of the reasons I couldn’t bare to sit through the classes to finish my teaching degree. We were basically being told that any kid that wasn’t sitting still/paying attention or was getting bad grades had some sort of disability and needed to be treated like a special little snowflake. It was driving me bat-shit. I just can’t accept that. You know what happens when a teacher has to make up a lesson plan that accommodates every single kid’s personal proclivities? Absolutely nothing. No one learns anything worthwhile, except that the world will kowtow to them for the rest of their lives. Obviously, there are kids with legitimate problems that need to be handled, but Little Johnny not paying attention to the boring Shakespeare lesson is NOT one of them.
I was going for my Masters in counseling and got through two classes chalk-full of BS about how we don’t solve problems any more, we pet the kids on the head and tell them to draw a picture of their emotions. It was infuriating. Needless to say, I didn’t continue that degree.
I left a FB message, but this is such an important post I am adding to it. My kid does have an asterisk by his name but he doesn’t get a pass on anything. We often tell him that his diagnosis does not give him an out it means that we need to work harder on the solutions. This is why he goes to tutoring 2 hours a week (all through summer). This is why he works with a trainer (all year long). He doesn’t like it but life doesn’t give out a pass, he is expected to perform at the highest level he can. We provide the assistance to make it happen, but he has to do the work. No way around it. More parents should follow this concept – after school is done, you need to be successful in life on your own. The only way to get to that point is by being successful in school. No passes, no get out of jail cards. If it is going to take you longer to do the same task as others then you allocate enough time to get it done. The end.
How come you’re not President? ‘Cause you should be.
My 7 year old son looks and acts very much like any other boy his age. And that confuses a lot of people, because he’s non-verbal and has autism. But, and I think his teachers would agree, we don’t see it as a scapegoat, we see it as a speed bump. We are always pushing him to try. Part of me understands that he may never be self-sufficient and he’ll end up in a group home after his dad and I pass on. But the larger part of me refuses to give up on him and that, someday, hopefully, he’ll catch up to his peers.
If you think parents of normal kids fling labels around as excuses, you should see the ugly underbelly of special needs parents. *yuck*
BTW, a fantastic post and equally brilliant topic to throw out there and make people start discussing.
A “speed bump.” I wish everyone thought like you. You’re a good Mama, Terrye.
WORD!! Spoken from a great teacher who has seen it all. It seems parents want their kiddos to fit into a mold, even it is a bad or wrong one. Let ’em be kids!
Aww, shucks. Thanks, lady 🙂
I work with students with disabilities. I also have many friends with kids. I myself have kids. And I hear ALL THE TIME about concerns parents have when their kid isn’t doing what other kids are doing or don’t excel in an area that they, the parents, want them to excel in.
My 19 month old isn’t “not talking” because she has a communication disorder. She has an older sister that happily answers/speaks for her. My daughter doesn’t have anxiety disorder, she is extremely shy and doesn’t like to be somewhere new. Once she is familiar with it- she’s the class social butterfly. My friends that say their child has ADHD…no. Your child is a boy that likes to run around all day and at school can’t bear to sit still and since schools demand that kids sit for too long anyone that defies the “sit all day and don’t move” rule gets labeled a problem child that should be on meds.
Just because our society is going in the WRONG DIRECTION and saying that kids in preschool and kindergarten should focus on academics (I mean, did anyone see that news report on the school that CANCELLED a kindergarten performance so they could instead focus on adademics!?!?) doesn’t mean that child development is going to all of a sudden change after, oh I don’t know…SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME and be these calm beings that can sit still now that society says they should.
NO. OMG this has now made me crazy and perhaps I should stop commenting before it becomes longer than your actual post.
LOVED. THIS.
I kinda like this feisty side of you. Go on.
🙂
There’s a big difference, in my opinion, between a three year old not listening to his or her parents and a child who has ADHD. I don’t use the label to get my son excused from doing things, but instead I learn about the condition to better help him function in the world. It’s actually helped me be a better mother to him and a better person in the world. Our brains and bodies don’t all work the same way, and that is more than okay.
For several months after his diagnosis, my son wasn’t even aware of it. We didn’t intentionally keep it from him, we just didn’t make a big deal out of it. I know that for us getting that diagnosis was both a sense of victory and a sense of defeat. It meant we had finally figured out why he struggled in certain situations but it also meant it wasn’t a quick fix but rather a lifetime condition.
My husband is also ADHD although they didn’t diagnose it or treat it when we were kids. Did you know that 100% of untreated ADHD kids abuse some sort of substance in adulthood? Alcohol or drugs, something to self-medicate so they can function. It’s been a HUGE obstacle in our marriage and in his relationship with our kids.
I’ve had a lot of people say a lot of things to me about ADHD, but I’ve come to realize that like most things in parenting you can’t really understand it from the outside. It’s only when you’re living it that it really makes sense to you.
You’re absolutely right that there’s a difference between a crazy toddler and a kiddo with ADHD; I’m certainly not saying they’re one in the same. But I do believe there are too many parents who use the disabilities as an excuse for their child to be lazy, impolite, fill-in-the-blank. Labels are certainly a double-edged sword, though.
Draw a picture of my emotions? How do I draw “MATH SUCKS?” Hahahaha. I am not a teacher or anything, just a parent of a boy who suffers from alsmost six year olditis who hates to clean up fings all the time as well 😉 He**, I HATE IT, TOO!
I observe fellow parents who make it their purpose in life “exploiting” their kids’ “disabilities”, shouldn’t they just get a life and teach their kids work ethics?
Well said! When my daughter had been at school 9 months the head teacher called me in and told me my daugther was 18 months behind (not quite sure how he measured that) and softly told me that I had to give up wanting her to be something she couldn’t grow up to be and that he’d had to do that with his child who has Downs. My daughter left that school the day after because she didn’t and doesn’t have a learning disability and he was enabling me to let my child stay behind her peer group.
Today my daughter is a nurse and a great one at that. She isn’t the brightest and was never going to be but what I taught her was to give 100% all of the time and to strive for what she wanted. She did surpass the grades her teachers expected of her and every single one of her teachers was so proud of her achievements.
I work in the Government and used to see so many child disability claims for ADD, ADHD, and similar disabilities. Many had children that did not behave at home, could not follow instruction etc yet when I wrote to the school for evidence I got a completely different story because what they needed was discipline, direction and consistency.
Well said you!
I LOVE THIS POST!!! So many parents/people are so quick to put labels on their childrens “issues” when its just parenting that needs to be put in place. It drives me crazy! I have a 4 yr old who can really throw a tantrum when things do not go his way and my husband is one of those people who say does he have a behavioral issue??? OMG no its a 4yr old having a trantrum. Polish up on your parenting skills and stop passing the buck!
Agreed! And torn! My friends’ doc tried to put her son on add meds. She said, hell no. He doesn’t have add. He’s two. Guess what? Ten years later and he’s still normal. But sometimes I think it goes the other way, too. There can clearly be a problem, but the parents are in such deep denial that they won’t get help, labelling it a phase.
Hi Stephanie love this post you are a great mom, it really hard when people label someone for their disability with out realizing the ability they got within them
Hi, Annie! Thanks some much for your kind words. I’m a little passionate about this, as you can see, and I appreciate you reading 🙂 🙂