When today’s Oversharer, Mary of Contrary Mom, submitted her story, I read it and felt a little squirmy-in-my-seat anxious.
Did she really just write that?!
While I giggled here and there, Mary’s tale is not the stuff of typical Overshares; it didn’t make me roar with laughter or have me doing Kegels at warp speed to prevent accidental piddle.
But so what? If I’m squirming, that means Mary has written something that resonates with people.
Her Oversharing is raw. An open wound from which she has ripped the metaphorical bandage, completely exposing herself in the face of uncertain consequence. That is bravery in its truest form. Job well done, Mary.
Something in my Reader caught my attention. It was the opening line of a post entitled “Life Rafts,” by Tamara (pronounced Tam-ah-rah) on her blog Mainely Sane. Tamara started out, “Everyone has something that they don’t talk about.” And she had me hooked already. Spoiler alert: The thing Tamara doesn’t like to talk about is her mom. “My mother is crazy,” she confided. And keeping the secret of her mother’s bipolar disorder for the last thirty years has left Tamara feeling “wrung out, like a twisted up dishrag.”
I was honored to have stumbled upon this beautiful moment in Tamara’s life. Although I had never met or spoken with her, I was proud of her bravery. I have (sometimes severe) anxiety and depression. My husband also has bipolar disorder. My sister had a schizophrenic episode almost eight years ago, followed by a harsh, prolonged period of deep depression that I had never witnessed the likes of before. We are all appropriately medicated and in therapy. But (in her follow-up post, “Mama Drama”) when Tamara confessed that during moments of great stress, she’s afraid she’ll lose it just like her mom, I nodded my head with empathy. When she admitted that she fears damaging her children, I wanted to tell her that I feel that way sometimes, too.
The thing about me, though, is that I cannot hold this stuff in. I spill my goriest life experiences, talk about inappropriate things, I tell my darkest secrets every day–the way normal people talk about the weather. Sometimes I wonder if I have Tourette’s Syndrome. I live in the Midwest so people around here are conservative. Even if they’re liberal, they’re probably a lot less like Louis C.K. than I am. I have plenty of friends on Facebook, but Mark Zuckerberg is actually developing a “Crickets Chirping” button to replace the “Like” button on the bar at the bottom of my status updates. Sometimes I have wondered why, in thirty years, I haven’t learned to censor myself.
The truth is, I get so many rewards out of being myself and living and speaking in a way that amuses me. When my mom died last December, I kept having this vision of myself standing at the top of a very high ladder. I was propped a few feet in front of a curtain of white paper that stretched on infinitely in front of me. There was a small, dog-eared tear in the paper, just high enough that I had to stretch on my tiptoes to reach it. As I caught the paper with my fingers, I slipped off of the ladder and fell, tearing a large triangle in the paper. I kept falling and falling with the paper clenched in my fist, and the triangle grew bigger and bigger. As it tore, hearts began falling out from behind the paper, like the paper had been containing this huge pile of them—not hearts like Valentines… bloody human hearts that “squelch-squerched” as they spilled out into a big pile beneath me, absorbing the impact when I finally hit the ground.
I haven’t had this vision in a few months and I haven’t really thought about it, either. Until last week, when I was pondering my blog and the enormous emotional release it has provided me. I feel like blogging was invented to get me through this really difficult time in my life. I feel like spilling my heart out may have saved my life or kept me from “losing it.”
Sometimes when I blog, I picture myself with a big cock, coming all over everyone’s faces. In the context of the poem “Noiseless, Patient Spider” by Walt Whitman, this analogy seemed completely appropriate to me, believe it or not. There is a line in the poem about the spider, “It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself; Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them,” which totally made me think about male ejaculation. And a cool thing happened when I was willing to share that dirty thought with my poetry club. Another participator in the discussion, who seemed shocked at first, commented later, “Whitman does use the imagery of sex quite often and frequently, so I’d say your interpretation of the scene? It might actually be super valid and more than likely you are 100% right about the ‘filaments’ thing.” Oh hey, well maybe I’m not such a freak after all. Or, better yet, I am a freak, but I’m in damn good company.
As for my kids? I think they’re pretty lucky to have a mom who is brave enough to be herself on the daily—even if I have told them one too many times that their lost toys are probably up their butt and around the corner.
After my mom died, I had a period of crippling insecurity. It was like all the work I’d done on my self esteem since I was an anxious, black sheep of a teenager had vanished and I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. But it wouldn’t be in my nature to lay down and die. My mom taught me how to fight, even though her fight was much different than mine. So I stood back up slowly. I created my blog and I launch’d forth my filament, filament, filament. I did what I needed to do to learn to love myself again. These days I feel the strongest I’ve felt in my whole life.
And by the way, you may want to grab a tissue. You’ve got something dripping down your face.
Really brave of her to be able to open up like that. That’s what I love about Mary 🙂
Thanks for your support, mama!
You’re right, not a typical over sharing post. And you’re also right about the raw, open honesty. That’s something that I admire–when someone is so real, without regard to “conventional rules,” baring their soul and saying ‘this is me … Really, truly me.’ It makes me feel brave. Like maybe I can muster the courage to share fully and honestly too.
Jen, I’m so touched that my writing has inspired you! Thank you for sharing!
Mary rocks and I love her blog for exactly the reasons she presents in this post: she is raw and honest and 100% authentic. As an anxiety sufferer myself I can totally appreciate this. Great post!
Thanks mummyflyingsolo for your support!! Love you, mama!
This piece is brave, and poetic, and real – written by a woman who knows herself better than many of us know ourselves. Thank you for oversharing, Mary, and thank you for your bravery in posting it, Steph!
Wow. Thanks for your kind words, Amy! And thank you for reading my story.
I whole-heartedly agree that blogging is like ejaculation. Ultimately personal and “splat” in your face!
I too have major depression and my husband recently comment that I’ve never been healthier than since I started blogging. Mind you, there are still times I want to off myself, but who would I be without that little quirk in my personality?
Steph and Mary, thanks for sharing this.
Yes, I think depression can be a great quality in a person. Check out my post, ABCDEFMe, Steph. I have a feeling you’ll get a kick out of it!
Checked it out and loved it!
Great read. My mom also had various issues including alcoholism and a number of personality disorders. I worry every day how that will affect my ability to mother my brood of four.
I really admire the way you tell it like it is. I don’t know if I’m that brave. Maybe I need to start an anonymous blog to really open up like that. I get personal sometimes and talk about my mom, but I’m not near as raw. You’ve given me some stuff to think about. I’m heading over to your blog to read more 🙂
Thank you for reading, Julie, and for your comments! I hope you enjoy my blog.
WOW. Just wow. *off to read Mary’s blog*
Thanks for reading, Vernette!
Bravo! The world could use a little more authenticity. I find that most times, when I say something that shocks people (like I totally like one of my kids better than the other) it’s because I’ve said what they’ve longed to say but have been taught it was awful and inappropriate to say it. Stragnely, though, they didn’t stop feeling it, did they? So it festers and burns. And when someone else finally lets it rip…. they act shocked and offended. But i think the “huff” that follows is not one of indignation, but relief that someone finally let the cork out of all they’ve had bottled up! So bravo to you!
Oh, and I never admit I like one of my kids more than the other in front of my kids. That might be authentic, but still kinda mean;)
vicky
Thanks Vicky for reading! I love what you said about shocking people and I agree wholeheartedly! Thank you for your comments and don’t worry, I won’t tell your kids what you said : )
Mary, I lost my mom a year and a half ago and could relate so much to the pain and insecurity you write about. Thanks for your honesty, vulnerability, and mainly, your BRAVERY!!
<3
You are so very welcome! Thank you, Meredith, for reading and for your sweet comments, you rock!
So happy Steph featured you! It was well worth it.
I agree!!
Thank you ; )
Wow, that IS some honesty! And that last line? Perfection. A little light-hearted touch to finish off some serious issues.
I totally agree, Shay!
Thank you Shay!
Even with Steph’s introduction, I was STILL not prepared for that. I love raw honesty. Big fan. Can’t wait to read more of your work! Thanks for oversharing today! 🙂
Glad you liked it, Stephanie!!! xo
Wow, what a compliment! Thank you Stephanie!!
What a coincidence! I also picture myself with a big cock when I blog too! I’m so relieved, as I thought I was the only one. Phew!
You are not a freak, but if you are, I agree that you’re in good company!
The words “cock” and “Weiner” are in your comment. And now you’re my favorite.
That’s awesome, Lisa! Let’s meet in the bathroom and swordfight ; ) Thank you for reading and for your kick-ass comments.
I am sure this post has touched all the internet users, its really really good paragraph on building up new
website.
Thanks so much, Anal. Your two cents is much appreciated.
I think this is among the most significant info for me.
And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The website style is wonderful, the articles is really great
: D. Good job, cheers
Hi there would you mind stating which blog platform you’re
using? I’m looking to start my own blo soon but
I’m having a difficult time making a decision between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and
Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different then mmost blogs
and I’m looking for something completely unique.
P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I hadd to ask!