Hiya, Pals,
I’m out of the office today attending a funeral for a man who got his wings way too early. I’m going to pay my respects and hug his family tight, so my good friend Angela the Lesbian Lawyer is stepping in to make you laugh. I figured if anyone could turn my frown upside down, it was Angela.
Before you get to giggling, I have two major announcements. And by major I mean they’re less important than the “we’re out of milk” type of announcements. UNLESS you’re from my neck of the woods:
Announcement 1. Scary Mommy is having a contest to determine her last stop on the book tour. I’ve entered and I need you to vote, like, once every day until May 12th. PUH-LEAZE!!!!! If we win, she’ll come to my town (even my HOUSE!) and if you’re local, you’re invited! Book signings, readings, wine, goody bags–let’s make it happen! All you have to do is visit the Book Tour Contest tab on her Facebook page and click the vote button on the picture of the kid on the potty. Everything you need is right HERE. Tell your friends! Tell your family! Tell your co-workers! And remember, we can vote once a day! THANK YOU!
Announcement 2. I’m getting a face lift. My blog, that is. Next week, I’ll have a whole new look, so don’t be alarmed if you come back and think you’re in the wrong place. I’m super excited for it, and I hope you love it, too!
And now, in honor of a life cut short and my belief that laughter is the best medicine, I present you a never-before-done-double-shot of Oversharing:
I am an obsessive reader of preparatory/educational books. There is no inherent shame in this, I suppose, but, to the surprise of no one that actually knows me, I tend to take this to the next level.
When my ex-wife was pregnant with my son… scratch that, when we decided that we might possibly, maybe want to have kids, I began reading about the whole sordid process.
(As a side note, the process of catalogue sperm selection is less sexy than you might think. Contemplating some creepy our-kid-is-actually-our-nephew scenario was even less appealing, so we shipped the frozen goods while I read about every last fucking detail. This made for numerous ridiculous moments at the fertility clinic, but that is another post).
After it actually worked, I read about our son’s development from pea-size to birth, monitored the poor woman’s intake of mercury-laden seafood and stepped in the way of her “dangerous” blue cheese and/or lunchmeat intake. Thank God I was there, obviously.
So, when our oldest son was born, I felt totally – at least intellectually – prepared to handle whatever was in store. I had this, right? I read about it. I knew about it. I wasn’t 17 years old. We had help from our families (sort of), and I would be home from work for the first week or so to figure everything out.
So, after a few days in the hospital following a scheduled C-section, we brought the perfect little guy home. Because the Mrs. was not allowed to go up and down the steps yet, we all camped out in the living room. He slept in a pack and play (which I had researched on consumer reports and assembled painstakingly with my own two hands). We weighed him before and after feedings, counted poops and pees, massaged his cradle cap and put him in 27 perfect little pre-washed outfits per day.
On about his third or fourth day home from the hospital, I was changing his diaper, when I let out a gasp. His other mother leapt from the couch (in an unauthorized for recent C-section way) and ran over.
What is it??!?!?
Well, THIS.
Oh. Oh, Jesus.
Yep. There it was. To the total surprise of both of us, his balls could move. As in, his scrotum was not attached to his ass. Decidedly unfamiliar territory for two lesbians, but still… This was not in the baby books. This was not discussed by any of the over-bearing jackass “experienced” parents who had been inundating us with advice. How could we not know this? How could we not have CLEANED UNDER THERE???? That poor poor boy. George Bush and Dr. Laura had been right. We were unfit (but it was really fucking funny).
Now 6, he appears none the worse for wear. His brush with poo-caked ball sack seems to have left no impression on him as a person. Indeed, judging from his absolute inability/refusal to wipe his own ass consistently, I would say he may have even enjoyed the experience.
Here’s to you, son. Your mothers are sorry.
Comment test
No words truly, except you made me just slightly happy that I didn’t go back and try for a boy, lol!!
Thanks, Janine! Their tricky private parts not withstanding, boys are the best (thought I’m sure girl babies are just as wonderful).
Hilarious! Thank you for sharing. Your embarrassment brings me joy.
I had two boys and I can not for the life of me remember having to lift anything up and clean under them….hmmm….either my boys ages (5 &2) still have pooped caked balls or your son had monster balls!
Steph…I voted and your picture was the best so it wasn’t even a pity vote….The runner up though was Grandma on the toilet with a beer!
“Monster balls.” I hope people Google that and find my blog 🙂
Thank you so much for your vote, Melissa! Feel free to come back to the ‘burgh with your hubs and live it up if (when) we win!!!
WOW! My husband actually changed all the “dirty” diapers because he was convinced that I wouldn’t get the kid clean enough. I was more than happy to step out of the way and let that shit happen!! Now, he’s 14 and judging by the amount of toilet paper the kids uses, his dad apparently did quite a number on him. Now if only I could get Hubs to do all the damn plunging!! Hilarious post and congrats!
Thanks, everyone! @motherhoodisanart, I think the deal might have been that, because he was a newborn, they were swollen. I have only his brother as a comparitor though, so they might just be wierdly gigantic. I almost just Googled “baby balls” on my work computer to undertake a case study… #FBIfile
haha!! Yes Angela! Definitely do not google that! Can you imagine trying to explain that! We’ll just have to keep wondering about this subject!
Oh that is hilarious!!! Does your kid know this is “out” in the wide open cyber space now? You’ll have to save this post to really embarrass him at say like High School Graduation. LOL
I can totally relate to the butt wiping gig. what’s with boys needing their butt wiped? Mine still begs me to help on the ‘messy ones’. He’s SEVEN. 😉
I love it! There is nothing better than admitting the ways in which we totally effed up as new parents. My husband admitted to me that he turned his back when changing our first son’s diaper when he was less than a year and the kid rolled off into the laundry basket! Apparently I was coming down the hall at the time so he scooped him up quick and acted like nothing happened. My son is now 9. I only heard this story for the first time a year ago. Nice. Based on your ass-wiping obeservation, is it possible that the experience explains why my son acts like a whiny 3 year old every time he has to put laundry away? Inquiring minds…
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
P.S. Steph: I put your button on my page. Hope that’s OK? If not let me know and I’ll ignore you. just kidding.
Vicky, heck yeah it’s okay!!!! thank you 🙂 I’m actually working on my “My Peoples” page, and you’ll find your gorgeous self there soon!
Great story! I’m trying to think back on all the unexpected things no one tells you about parenting…but most of them make me cry instead of laugh. (like how breast feeding really does hurt like hell at first)
Steph, the new design is flashy girl! I love it! I’m going to switch out your button soon!
YAY!! Glad you like the site! I thought it was much more “me” than the pots and pans…since I hate cooking and all 😉
Look at you and your blog, all grow’d up! I love the new look! Did you do it all by yourself? It looks fabulous- nice job! And I totally voted for you, and you are SO WINNING! Woot! Got my book today, and I felt like a big old winner myself- thanks pal! (Not that you rigged it. I know it was fair and square.) 😀
So happy to hear your got your book! That Scary Mommy is on the ball! Thanks for your vote and your kind words about the new design! I sure as HELL didn’t do this myself! I can barely match a pair of socks–this bad boy was all Jamie and Andrea at AK Designs (button at the bottom of my blog)!
Great story! Those of us with boys have all been there at one time or another. I had never changed a diaper in my life when I had my first baby–a boy. Oh Lord, I had no idea what to expect–and that little stinker shot poop out all over me in the first diaper changing I did for him.
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