Today’s Oversharer, Kim from One Classy Motha, had her feet in the sand and her hairless crotch soaking up the sun’s rays when she sent me her story. Oversharing whilst on vacation?! Now, that is commitment to The Series. If you’re interested in humiliating yourself in the name of laughter (other people’s laughter directed at you, to be exact) or want to read past submissions, check out the Oversharing page (list across the top of my blog), and email your story to whencrazymeetsexhaustion at gmail {dot} com.
I was so excited when Steph asked me to guest post for her Oversharing series! You see, I have so much TMI to share with the world, but my husband breaks out in a rash when I do it around our friends & family, so to safely share it here is truly an honor! Thanks Steph!
Last Wednesday was my first body waxing of 2013, and I needed it! I swear I looked like a bear coming out of hibernation.
So I headed down to my local nail salon, walked through the doors, and asked if they had anything like a “Wooly Mammoth Special”. The available technicians argued in Vietnamese and proceeded to do Rock, Paper, Scissors, complete with elimination rounds and customers placing bets. I’m assuming it was the loser that escorted me to the back room…or as I call it “The Room of Tears”.
When we arrived, I stripped off my pants and she gestured for me to lay my trembling body upon the paper lined table (paper that would later be stuck to my ass). Hopping up and closing my eyes, I tried desperately to remember the Hypno-Birthing techniques taught to me over 10 years ago.
*Side note: What a waste of $200! I ended up having a c-section because he had a big head and zero intentions of vacating my womb. Fact: I’d still be pregnant today if they didn’t open me up.
After examining my legs and bikini area, she gave a clucking noise and mumbled something like “How I use weed killer in jungle?” She had a thick accent and I thought maybe I heard her wrong, but when her shoulders slumped and the light in her eyes died a little, I knew I hadn’t.
She got right to work, ripping and tearing like she was at war- it was her against a billion hairs and I was harboring the enemy. At one point, I thought she might spit on me in disgust.
Throughout the whole ordeal, including the part where my legs were hooked behind my head, I tried different methods of pain management. I tried inhaling on the rip, exhaling on the rip, singing through it, even reverse psychology- “I welcome you, Pain. Thank you for reminding me that I’m alive!” It didn’t work. The closer she got to my vagina, I found myself screaming things like,
“Please stop!”
“I’ll keep my legs crossed!”
“I’ll wear a swim dress!”
and
“Can we just French braid it and call it a day?!”
But she had heard these cries before, from the hundreds of hairy women who came before me, she knew to keep going. So I did the only thing I could do, I dried my tears with the back of her shirt and went to my “happy place,” a land where women are admired for their excess body hair, cellulite is sexy, and wrinkles are a sign of intelligence. I think I might move there one day.
One Classy Motha – Kim is a SAHM who spends her days trying to outwit her children, and her nights sipping wine in bed while offering bad advice and embarrassing family stories on her blog www.oneclassymotha.com. It is her hope that her children never read her blog; family therapy is expensive.
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I feel compelled to book a bikini wax now. If I can get such a great post out of it, sign me up!
I think you’ve been through enough recent torture a la The Kardashians… 😉
Bring tissues!
I think I’ll stick with the French braiding… no wax on, wax off for me! This was great, Kim-thanks for OVERsharing!
That was my favorite line: can’t we just stick with the French braid?! Bahahahahaha!!
Decorate it with seasonal flowers.
Thank you for (over)sharing. I have never had a bikini wax and, thanks to you, I don’t think I ever will.
Then I’ve done my job!
Pretty safe to say that I will NEVER be visiting that type of establishment. What does it feel like when the lady jungle starts to grow back in??? You know what….I don’t even want to know. I’ll be wearing board shorts this summer! Thanks for OVERsharing with us!
I am right there with ya! Think I’ll stick to my capri pants on the beach before I go through that!! LMBO!
Itchy. Itchy. Itchy.
Or so I’ve heard…
I’m scratching right now, that’s why it’s taking me so long to type.
The part I can’t get over is that this is the FIRST of the season- meaning there will be more?! Crazy talk. Dress suits rule!
Just once or twice more…I’m lazy and tough.
Thank you for confirming that I will NEVER ever get a wax job!! I will stick to my nice little sweet soft razor and lots of goopy soap to use in the places I can handle!!! PS: I sport the “swim shorts” when necessary!! Covers a MULTITUDE of nastiness!!! 😉
Sweethairyjeezus you are one tough Motha!
I put on a good show.
2 of my favorite ladies in 1 place!!!!
Having endured my first Brazilian wax 6 days after giving birth, this story brought tears to my eyes.
Enjoy your time in the sun!
SIX DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH?! WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE?!
Oh, your poor, poor lady bits…
I loved that story, Dani!
I.am.dying with laughter!
Thanks Carrie!
Waxing down there does suck but it’s not THAT bad as long as whoever is doing it, knows what they are doing! It’s not itchy when it grows in but I personally, tend to get bad ingrown hairs (but I also get those with shaving…)
This story is hilarious! 🙂 hahaha
Oh, my ingrown hairs are terrible too!
KIM! Love me some Kim. Even hairy Kim, I suppose…
How have I not yet subscribed to this blog, by the way? Just did it, so problem solved!
Great post!!
Hey, Shay, my swapping pal! Thanks for visiting 😉
Aww, thanks Shay! Love ya too!
This is absolutely hysterical! Women around the world are nodding their heads and tweezing unwanted hairs from bizarre places in support!
vicky
Thanks! I found what looked like a pubic hair on my shoulder once. WTF?
I absolutely love this girl! She has got the funniest stories that actually give me chills! (The chills are from the release of dopamine in the brain lol) Thanks for making me realize that I will NEVER get waxed!
~Jessica Scott
jessicaslife81.blogspot.com
Thanks so much Jessica! That made me feel all fuzzy inside!
No such thing as an overshare. Sometimes I just look for happy blogs. Writing so much about sad stuff (the demand is huge) you need a break. I’ll link over here when I link to other bloggers, plan to do that in a June post. Best, TD
I totally understand that. In fact, I have a hard time reading sad, moving books because it can emotionally drain me. Thanks for reading!
Starpil Wax proudly introduces its depilatory wax products from Spain, now available in the US. We are direct suppliers of pro quality wax products, products not sold in stores.
SOooo…. I have been considering a wax for a while now. Thanks for helping make the decision.
Right?! Every time I read this, I just clench tightly.