How to REALLY Raise Your Kids.

Despite the multitude of “How to Raise Your Child” lists we have all come across in our Pinteresting endeavors, it’s evident that the parents who should be reading them are not. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but if people this DUMB insist on procreating, then we’re all screwed.

Please do take a moment to let the emphatic idiocy of the mother in that video sink in, accept that you have the undeniable urge to kick her in the throat, let it pass, and then keep reading.

If nothing else, that complete waste of parenting space is why I’ve made it my personal mission to put together a comprehensive parenting guide:

How to Really Raise Your Kids. Like, REALLY.

1. Whisper. It freaks them out which means they actually listen.

2. Yell. As to not contradict the first rule, only yell when excited or happy or trying to cover the sound of something you don’t want kids to hear like the ding of the microwave because you do not want to share your scrumptious Betty Crocker Warm Delight treat. Moms, say it loud, say it proud: I’ve shared my uterus; I will not share my chocolate!

3. When experiencing a tense moment, break out in song. For example, both of my kids were on the precipice of a meltdown the other night during dinner. Instead of removing them from the table as instinct and common sense recommend, Julie Andrews, YouTube, and I performed a stunning rendition of “My Favorite Things.” I don’t remember if the kids got their act together or not, but my high notes were impressive.

4. Laugh. When a kid poops in the bathtub or rips an echoing fart in church, it’s permissible and pretty much expected that you laugh. If you don’t see the hilarity in bodily functions, you’re dead inside.

5. Time-outs are fantastic when used consistently. At least once a day, I like to lock myself in the bathroom and hide from my children.

6. Have dance parties. Not only is it good exercise, but dancing gives you, the parent, an opportunity to expose your kids to music not heard on Barney or The Wiggles. Brady knows the chorus to “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” Now that I’ve put that in writing, I’m not as proud as I thought I would be…

7. Moms, when busy, the answer is: “Ask your Dad.”

8. Dads, when in doubt (and really, when aren’t you?), the answer is: “If Mommy doesn’t know, no one does.”

9. Much like the TSA mandates that parents put their air mask on before positioning their child’s, I advocate a “YOU FIRST” approach to parenting. Case in point: if I’m not up and dressed before my little ones, I wear what my 3-year-old calls “sleep clothes” the entire day. I am fully aware that if I allow this to continue, my kids will pretend they don’t know me when I get them from the bus stop. I’m a work in progress.

10. Lead by example. Do as I do, not as I say is a much more effective parenting principle than “BECAUSE I SAID SO! Because I said so certainly has its place, like, “DO NOT STEAL CARS BECAUSE I SAID SO!” but let’s not forget: we are the adults. Regardless of how old you were when you had your child, you became an adult the instant that kid entered the world. If you’re not ready to accept that responsibility, may I suggest keeping your pants on? And if you’re seriously going to blame a car owner for making it too easy for your kid (who, by the way, has zero chance at life with you as his mother), for God’s sake, get your tubes tied.