Do’s & Don’t’s for Post-Baby Romance

A baby brings about life-changing…changes. (I’ve had some wine tonight; I’m not bringing my A-game. You’ve been warned). This is obvious to anyone who has brought that 3-day bundle of joy home or whose social life has been curbed in an effort to maintain the immeasurable importance of The Bedtime Routine. Think: the party starts at 7pm; you have to leave by 7:15pm for bath, book, bottle, and bed.

The aforementioned changes are tattooed everywhere: bottles overflowing in the kitchen sink; diapers (clean and otherwise) stuffed into every bag you own; burp cloths in a pile on top of the washing machine; pacifiers are categorized as first-string, second-string, and IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. Perhaps the biggest and least discussed change is a couple’s romantic life in the weeks following the birth of their child. It’s not that the two people love one another any less; they just have zero time or energy to show it.

I am here to fix that. Hear me now, Mamas! By following my Do’s and Don’t’s for Post-Baby Romance, I guarantee* that you will get your groove back and rekindle that romance!!! Just don’t forget: I’ve had some wine tonight.

• Do bathe daily. I know it’s difficult, but you smell like vomit and sweat. Trust me.
• Do shave above the knee to let him know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
• Do create a road map with your stretch marks to point out all of the erogenous zones. Everyone is tired. Any help is appreciated.
• Do refuse to nurse the baby at least 3 hours prior to The Deed. Your cups will runneth over and that old lingerie will look brand new.
• Do not start a conversation with, “My hemorrhoids feel so much better!”
• Do not put breast milk in his morning coffee. And if you do, do not tell him you’ve put breast milk in his morning coffee.
• Do not call him by the baby’s name during an intimate moment.
• Do not play “The Wheels on the Bus” to get him in the mood.
• Do not ask him to hold your hand while you make your first #2 after having the baby. Although this may feel like you are giving birth again, it really should be done in privacy.

 

That should do it. You’re welcome.

 

 

*This guarantee is not legally binding, nor will it hold up in court. If my list doesn’t work, buy yourself a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and have at it.