Dear Beyonce…

I’m pretty much a fan of anything Beyonce does, but the other day when I was rocking out to Pandora, one of her old songs, “Cater 2 U” (her dumb spelling, not mine), came on and I kinda wanted to kick her. The song is all about women caring for their men to the extent that it makes me want to vomit. Before you decide I’m the Worst Wife Ever, let’s be clear: I’m all about making sure my husband is happy, but he will never hear me say:

Let Me Help You
Take Off Your Shoes
Untie Your Shoestrings
Take Off Your Cufflinks

unless he’s broken both arms. And if that’s the case, I’m pretty sure he won’t be wearing cuff links.

The little ditty goes on to promise:

I’ll Keep It Tight, I’ll Keep My Figure Right
I’ll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits

Unless the terms “tight” and “right” mean I’ll have proof of child-bearing years permanently tattooed on my mid-section, I have not kept Beyonce’s promise. Those of you who have accomplished that feat and are back to pre-baby size and abs, good for you, but this girl now has the one-piece-bathing-suit kinda body thankyouverymuch.

As for the hair, I’m perfectly content with a ponytail on the top of my head (makes my face look thinner) and/or a baseball cap (negates the need for eye make-up). My clothes are all a size larger than I actually wear in the event that my weight continues to fluctuate. For the past 4 years I’ve worn two sizes: pregnant and not pregnant. My hotness is 100% breathable cotton. Chew on that, Beyonce.

I admire and respect any woman who has the time or desire to aspire for anything better than the I-forgot-to-rinse-the-conditioner-out-of-my-hair-again look that I bear on a daily basis. If I could, I would wear jeans instead of sweatpants or yoga pants just to fancy it up, but I just can’t. It’s entirely too difficult to pull up and button jeans after having gone tinkle with a small child clinging to my pant leg. So the sweats will suffice.

It’s not so much the help, clothes, or hair lyrics that irk me the most. It’s this one:

When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I’ll Roll Over
Baby I Heard You, I’m Here To Serve You (I’m Lovin It, I’m Lovin It)
If It’s Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy
All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy

Hell to-the No.

If, in 2012, my darling Zach ever woke me from a peaceful slumber and wanted me to “serve” him, I would be arrested shortly thereafter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Between toddler nightmares, teething, dogs who mistake my legs for pillows, and a husband who literally has full conversations in his sleep, I am, on average, awakened at least twice a night by someone or something. If I’m lucky, I fall right back to sleep, but Momdar (it’s radar only moms have) normally keeps me awake long enough to go pee, listen outside the kids’ doors to ensure they’re breathing, go pee again, and then start a mental to-do list of all the crap I know I won’t accomplish during the day. I really do need to start keeping a notebook beside my bed…

All I’m sayin’ is whomever wakes me, asking for a favor, will have his eyes clawed out.

The chorus of Beyonce’s girl power-inspired tune refers to the woman bringing her man his slippers, and even though Zach does wear slippers (it’s hilarious, really), I won’t be delivering them until he gets a new, fresh pair. Until then, we can teach a dog or a child to fetch, but I know what those bad boys smell like and no, I will not be touching them. Get your own damn stink infested slippers.

In conclusion, if Beyonce and the rest of Destiny’s Children claim they cater 2 their men like they sing about, I want proof. I want to see Beyonce nursing her newborn while she’s “all up in the kitchen in (her) heels (for) dinnertime.” I want to see Kelly and Michelle go through hair and make-up every friggin’ day just to drop the kids at the sitters and then grocery shop, grade some essays, and wipe off baby hand prints and dog slobber from the sliding glass doors. And until I receive said proof, I’m calling you out, Beyonce: you’re a fraud. (But if you’re really reading this, I think you’re AMAZING! Call me!!!!)