Since they could speak, I’ve been keeping track of the funny things that come spilling out of my kids’ mouths. Whether it’s on my Facebook page or here on the blog, I’ve done my best to document the hilarity. When writer and cartoonist Adrienne Hedger reached out and asked to turn my Conversations with a Toddler into cartoons, I was like YESSSSSSSSSS! And she didn’t disappoint.
We give you:
Three-Year-Old Math Skillz
Can Someone Help These Two?
Time: Confusing Toddlers Everywhere
Bad Words, by Kids
These cartoons make the maddening conversations more bearable! Thanks to Adrienne for your talent, and thank you, kids, for your crazy.
More Conversation Fun…
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4yo: You’re doing a lot of cleaning today!
Me: Yep! It’s after-holiday clean up time.
4yo: It’s so much ‘wook.’
Me: You’re right about that.
4yo: Doesn’t seem ‘yike’ it’s fun.
Me: I could think of a few other things I’d rather be doing.
4yo: Being a Mummy is ‘vewee’ hard ‘wook’ sometimes.
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As I’m soaking in the tub…
4yo: I didn’t know you take’ed baths, too.
Me: Not every night like you, but whenever I can. It’s very relaxing.
4yo: Oh, okay. Well, I peed in there tonight.
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Me: Why are you carrying around your potty?
Toddler: Betause (because).
Me: Do you have to pee-pee?
Todder: No. Me standed in it and pooped in pants.
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4yo: Can you do a somersault?
Me: Heck yeah I can! I was a gymnast for a long time.
4yo: Show me!
Me: *does forward roll*
*immediately feels dizzy and nauseous*
And that concludes the day I realized I’m old, old, old.
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Girl: Whereusisgonin?
Me: Huh?!
Girl: Whereusisgonin?
Me to my husband: Interpretation?
Husband: I got nothin.
Girl: Whereusisgonin?!
Me: Oh! You mean where ARE WE GOING?!
Girl: Me not know whereusisgonin, Mummy.
Who’s on First, Toddler Edition
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Conversations with a Toddler about The Fourth of July
Me: It’s America’s birthday today!
Toddler: No. It me birt-day.
Me: Nope, not today. Today is America’s birthday. You’ll see lots of red, white, and blue, and even fireworks!
Toddler: Me want pink.
Me: The flag is red, white, and blue, not pink.
Toddler: I yike fags. My party comin’ up. Happy birt-day to meeeeeee!
My history lesson is over. And on behalf of my two year old’s inability to pronounce L’s, we apologize for all derogatory epithets.
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Overheard this little ditty between my kids:
Boy: You can say darn it, but you can’t say dammit.
Girl: DAMMIT!
Boy: No!! Mom says you can’t say DAMMIT! Say darn it!
Girl: Darn it!
Boy: Good girl! (whispers) You can say dammit when she can’t hear you, though. (whispers quieter) daaaaaammmmmiiiiitttttttt…
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“Do not pull on your brother’s peeper!”
“Sliding boards are not for licking.”
“No, you may not ride the dog.”
“Come here, let me sniff your butt.”
“That’s okay, just wipe it on your shirt.”
“Please don’t put that kid’s foot in your mouth.”
“So, you’ll taste your boogers, but not my dinner?”
–things I never thought I’d have to say
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Toddler: “Dammit.”
Parent: “That’s not a nice word. You shouldn’t say it.”
Toddler: “You do.”
Game over…
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Toddler: “Where do families come from?”
Parent: “Ummm…”
Toddler: “God, right?”
Parent: “Yes, good answer!”
Toddler: “So where do the kids come from?”
Parent: “……..”
Toddler: “Jesus, huh?”
Parent: “Yep! Another good answer!”
Toddler: “I have ‘yots’ of good answers.” 
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Parent: “Should we have another baby?”
Toddler: “No. We already have one baby.”
Parent: “But your sister is getting so big. Shouldn’t we have another tiny, cuddly baby?”
Toddler thinks this over and: “No, because I can only be mean to Ella, not a baby.”
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Dad: Do you want to lie down for a little bit?
Toddler: Nope. I’m fresh as a daisy!
Dad: Fresh as a daisy?! Where did you hear that?
Toddler: Daisy.
Dad: Yeah, but WHO told you that?
Toddler: Daisy.
Dad: But–
Mom: DAISY FROM MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE!
A Toddler’s version of Who’s on First?
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Toddler: Can we go throw snowballs?
Parent: First we have to run some errands.
Toddler: But I don’t WANT to run errands!!!!!!
Parent: Well you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
Toddler: I don’t want cake. I want to throw snowballs. 
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Walking down the basement steps…
Me: Hold onto the railing, please.
Toddler: Every time you request that, I say “I am, Mom.” And I AM, MOM.
Me: Did you just say “request?”
Toddler: Yep.
Me: That gets you a pass for the attitude. Well done.
Toddler: Fanks.
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Toddler: I made you lunch. Here are some cupcakes.
Mom: Cupcakes for lunch? Shouldn’t we eat something healthy first?
Toddler: The healthy food is for the mans. The womans eat cupcakes.
I like how this kid thinks!
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Toddler: Your nose is too close to your mouth.
Mom: What does that mean?
Toddler: Your nose is really big.