The incredibly witty and wicked smart Ninja Mom (you may know her by her street name, Nicole) hosts this thing called the Character Assassination Carousel. In English teacher speak, it’s employing the deconstructing literary theory on a text. In everyone else’s terms, it’s destroying the bloody hell out of beloved children’s classics. A previous assassin, Synnøve from Don’t Chew on the Dinner Table!, throttled Dr. Seuss’s What Was I Afraid Of? and up next is Jean from Mama, Schmama.
But today, pals, it’s my turn. Welcome to my classroom. I’m about to school you.
Ninja Mom Blog University
The Little Engine That Could
But Shouldn’t Have Because I Just Ripped Her a New One
WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion
Character Assassination Carousel
Ms. Nicole Leigh Shaw
May 8, 2013
Hey, kids! Who wants to play with knives (4)?! Apparently all of the good little boys and girls who live on the other side of the mountain because that’s what author Arnold Munk is sending them in his classic horror tale The Little Engine That Could. Also included in the jolly load (that’s what she said) are toy engines, tops, dolls that will kill you in your sleep, and quite the political statement. Turn the page with me, won’t you?
I have two children and neither of them have ever included “teddy bears with almost no necks at all” on their Christmas lists (2). They prefer their toys whole, unbroken, and not tainted by Satan.
What’s that? You don’t remember Satan as a character in The Little Engine That Could? Silly, you know the fallen angel always disguises himself! Allow me:
That creepy mofo is fixin’ to cut a bitch with his flag.
Anyone who knows anything about clowns will tell you that they live in sewers, lure children with balloons, and grow fangs with which they eat the unsuspecting child. So, yeah, the devil.
I’ve got to switch topics so I can sleep tonight.
Moving on to the food. If the good little boys and girls who live on the other side of the mountain have really been that good, what’s up with the promise of fresh spinach (5)?! Because it’s every 5-year-old’s favorite? And to ensure fresh breath and choking after wrangling said spinach out of the kids’ teeth, let’s pop a peppermint drop, shall we? I can barely suck on one without hacking up a lung, but by all means, offer a handful to a kid who still puts his pants on backwards and believes in the tooth fairy. And, I have to ask, are the children who misbehave not allowed to eat? The book repeats the phrase “the good little boys and girls” about four gazillion times; is this to impress upon the young readers that if they don’t listen to Mommy and Daddy, they will starve? Perhaps the death-by-peppermint drops are for them.
Someone has called Child & Youth Services by now, right?
On top of the nightmarish toys and unsavory food options is the blatant stereotypical prejudice that oozes from the pages of the book.
Exhibit A: The Passenger Engine, AKA The Republican
So what if this shiny new engine prefers to assist only the wealthy, leaving those in need to fend for themselves? Not just anyone can sit in “soft arm-chairs and look out of the big plate-glass windows” (13). This is America, dammit! If the Passenger Engine is weary of the burden the hungry and poor impose upon him, he has paid for earned the right to ignore the cries for help. Lay off!
Exhibit B: The Freight Engine, AKA The Venture Capitalist
Having the invaluable job of sharing the written word by means of “big machines (that) print books and newspapers” (19), this big strong engine prefers to keep his mind on his money and his money on his mind. Maybe if Mr. Munk had been an entrepreneur instead of a freelance writer he would have understood the thrill of a regular paycheck. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.
Exhibit C: The Rusty Old Engine, AKA: The Grandpa
Ageist, much? Just because this engine is exhausted from a lifetime of back-breaking labor, are we to shun him? Make him feel bad for not picking up the young whipper snapper’s slack? His mantra, “I cannot. I cannot. I cannot” (24), leads readers to believe that he is a quitter, a pile of rust aiming to reap the benefits of another’s hard work. He is but a tired old man looking to score an early bird dinner at Denny’s followed by a nap. Or a Democrat.
Don’t despair, kids. Even though the aforementioned engines don’t get the job done, hope remains. Hope in the form of a female engine with bright blue eyes and a can-do attitude. If there is to be a redeeming quality of this tale, it’s certainly the idea that
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. Look closely:
A typical matriarch, the responsibility falls squarely onto The Little Blue Engine’s shoulders. And much like society’s appreciation of Moms, this goose is about to shit all over her, too.
And what’s up with the “she tugged and pulled and pulled and tugged, and slowly, slowly, slowly…” (32)? Is the engine ascending the mountain or giving the clown a hand job? “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can” (33) get his rocks off before the children interrupt. I feel ya, sister.
To summarize today’s important lessons: Mr. Munk’s message of hate targets politicians, businessmen, and senior citizens. The heroism of The Little Blue Engine is but a decoy; upon closer examination, we recognize that she is nothing more than the perpetuated stereotype of a 1950s housewife. Adding insult to injury, I present the last page:
Now that everyone has their goodies, please note the lonely Blue engine in the background. Leave it to a man (who wouldn’t even put his real name on the book) to have his way with a lady and then ignore her. *Spits
Works Cited
Piper, Watty (AKA: The ball-less wonder Arnold Munk). The Little Engine That Could. New York: Platt & Munk, 1982. Print.
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BEST. ASSASSINATION. EVER. Sorry to everyone else who’s done one, because they are fabulous. But I love a term paper parody (complete with source citations).
Also, you’re freakishly funny. Brava!
Thanks for riding. Extra points for the meta associations between riding and trains. Wheeeeee!
Why, thank you! I think…
P.S. I tinkled a little when I read your “review.” THANK YOU for reals!
It’s about time someone assassinated this book! This was too funny! I have never liked this book, so I reeeeeeeallly enjoyed this!
I was really surprised it was still ripe for the pickin’!! Can’t believe no one else ripped it to shreds. But I had oh-so-much fun!! Thank you for reading!!
LOL…..never heard of this character assassination practice…I am so excited now.
You’ve got to head over to http://www.ninjamomblog.com for the rest of the fun, Julie!!!
Hahaha! Brilliant! And fuck, you are totally right!
Giving a clown a handjob! Hahaha! I can’t stopped thinking about his flower squirting;)
Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to burn this book now!
OMG Steph. Not only was this hysterically funny, but it was wicked smart!! I loved everything about it. And no man could have done what you did so handily. Cuz bitches get stuff done!!
We do, Penny, we do get stuff done 😉
THANK YOU!
Hahaha, brilliant! Thanks for reminding me why I don’t keep this book in the house (and sorry, Mom, for making you read it on repeat as a child).
Yes! That Damn Clown! Gah! So creepy… I have always despised this book….
Thanks for reading, lady!
Oh, yes, your Term Paper angle was genius! The Republican and The Matriarch killed me! You are a welcome addition to the Carousel, my friend, well played! Don’t hate the playa, hate the game- bwa-ha-ha! I too pretty much hate this book. I took my Carousel ride with the Barbie books back in the day… OK, fine, it was in January.
Also, your comment on my post today almost made me choke on my gum, and I hope you’re beating that B-word, no, wait, I mean very nice person, who was ahead of you in the contest today! (Is she your friend? Is she reading this? Should I delete that comment?) Too late…
THANK YOU!! I had so much fun writing this! I actually read your Barbie piece, and whole-heartedly agreed!!!!
Oh, and she is not a friend of mine and I have called her worse because I am a terrible sport. #MustWin Thank you for your help and support–much appreciated, Stephanie!
HILARIOUS!!!! The term paper approach was classic. And I loved this line:
And much like society’s appreciation of Moms, this goose is about to shit all over her, too.
You’re hysterical, my friend!!!
That’s one of my favorite lines, too! Is it weird to have favorite parts in your own writing?
I’ve never actually read an assassination before- brilliant!
Thank you, Anita! It was FUN!! Nicole is the brilliant one–I love this series!
This is brilliant. I must assassinate a book. May I please?
Cheryl, the brilliant Nicole Shaw is in charge of the assassinations. Check her out at Ninjamomblog.com. And thank you for reading AND supporting my obsession with the Scary Mommy contest!!
So grateful my son hasn’t discovered this book yet…I will have to bookmark this so my husband and I can (re)read when he does.
We have two copies in our house: the original (with penknives) and the newer version (sans penknives). I’ll send them both to you 🙂
Sometimes I just look for happy blogs (writing so much about sad stuff, a lot lately, you need a break). I’ll link over here when I link to other bloggers, plan to do that in a June post. Best, TD
Thanks so much!
Oh. My. God. I have to follow you?????? This was awesome although I will admit, as soon as I saw the familiar term paper heading my heart started racing and I had a few flashbacks to school. I dread this book and have hidden it under many pieces of furniture in our house to avoid reading it to my son. This was awesome.
Heeeey, Jean! Thanks for reading, following, commenting, loving it! You made my day 😉 (And keep the damn book hidden. Ain’t nobody need that clown hangin’ around)
😉
I’ve never heard of this character assignation thing either but that clown is asscreepy and you are hilarious. Oh, and thanks for the bad dreams from the fright engine. Shudder.
The clown is awful. The engines are rude. This book SUCKS. 😉
The character assassination thang is the brain child of Nicole Leigh Shaw, AKA: Ninjamomblog.com. She’s fantabulous!
How did I miss this the first time? Howling…
You would be so perfect for this, Jane! Your sense of humor is absolute perfection for the CAC!